Episode 08: Season One – Jesse’s Girl

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It’s nighttime and the sights and sounds of lightning and thunder fill the Tanner house. Jesse creeps downstairs with a baseball bat. Joey, who I’ll remind you sleeps under the stairs, wakes up at the exact moment Jesse is near him and almost gets clocked in the head with a bat. The two startle each other – obviously. Their girlish screams alerts Danny, who manages to get out of bed, put on a robe, and make it down the stairs in literally about 1.3 seconds.

Grabbing a nearby giant Mr. Potato Head – which would be unlikely for any other character on TV – Joey remarks that Jesse was about to “Mash his potato”. Jesse states that he heard a noise and thought it was a prowler. Understandable… maybe Joey should tell us what made him suddenly wake up the second Jesse was in front of him. Bad writing? Got it.

The girls come downstairs as Jesse and Danny approach the door. They sneak up from behind and say hello which is enough to make the men jump out of their skin. Jesse and Joey kind of get into it and there is hint of some sort of unresolved tension between the two. I’m thinking we’re about to get some sort of flashback episode. Danny suggests they hug, because he’s an idiot, but Jesse isnt having any of that. And yep – thoughts confirmed, we’re about to get some back story.

Danny lets the girls stay up to hear the story – ‘cuz, why not, and Jesse launches into the story. The extermination business (which I guess they’re still pretending is his day job) was slow so Jesse decided to start teaching guitar: cue sitcom disolve effect. We fade back in on Jesse hard at work on another song – which goes like this:

She’s a lady. (no) She’s a woman. (no) She’s a muchacha… Maybe she’s a man.

Cringe! DJ lets Jesse know that his new student is here. Jesse is of course immediately taken by her. Some other lines are spoken and somehow despite not even being remotely humorous, the audience laughs at them. Why am I still surprised by this? Because I live on planet earth. Because I’m not crazy. I’m pretty sure these people are just happy to be out of the house. How bad was it living as an adult in the 80s?

Stephanie comes in and tells Jesse her Mr. Teddy is missing its head. Full House could have taken a drastically different turn at this point, but alas, this dialog ends with Jesse promising he’ll fix it later. Jesse says he’s going to teach this new broad two cords, and half way through is hitting on her quite obviously. Can’t a woman just get a simple guitar lesson you disgusting sleaze bag. After his simple lesson, Jesse launches into some of the songs she can now play – which is really just an excuse for him to dreamily sing I Can’t Help Falling in Love – as he moves closer and closer toward her face. Tap the fucking brakes, creep.

Cut to later, Jesse and her have gone out after the lesson for picnic on the bay and a candle light dinner in the wine country. Goddamn, is this a first-anniversary or a first date? Hell, I’m not even sure it was an actual date. Jesse says he had a great time and kisses her on the lips. The kids ewww.

Cut to the kitchen Joey and Danny are inspecting dirty dishes as Jesse walks in. The guys recognize he’s in one of his stargazed moods regarding women. Joey and Danny rib Jesse on his way with women. Danny launches into a story about Pam, his dead wife – always a feel good topic – incidently, Bob Saget almost screws up his line. The guys talk about how true love isn’t real and Jesse says he knows it is because he can’t stop smiling. Well, Jesse – maybe you’re just a weirdo. He says he’s smiling away like he’s Nancy Regan. The thing that sucks about Full House is that I’m not sure if that’s a Reagan reference I’m just not getting or, probably more likely, it’s just a random MadLib-esque joke that makes no fucking sense. Did Nancy Regan smile a lot? Whatever, time to fade out of the flashback.

Now it’s time for Joey to tell everyone what he did that day. It was rainy and he was getting ready to watch The Wizard of Oz with Danny and the girls… DISOLVE. Danny is excited, he describes the movie in the most awful way concenrating only on the dark twisted parts. Corrina comes to practice guitar – Jesse isn’t home yet so they ask if she wants to watch The Wizard of Oz with them. She says yes and it’s her favorite movie. The TV won’t work – cable is out. Stephanie is upset but Joey is here to save the day. He remarks that he does “that Wizard of Oz bit in his act”. Buckle your seatbelts, this is surely going to be fucking agonizing.

So naturally Joey actually has all of the stuff just sitting there because, well, the living room is also his bedroom. Joey tells everyone to gather around and starts making tornado noises and crying “Auntie Em, Autie Em” while skipping around. Just like in the movie. He pulls out some handle bars and does the Wicked Witch laugh and then spins a house on a stick. This is a bit he does in his act? Like regularly? He’s rehearsed this? Even for prop comedy – which is unquestionably the lowest form of entertainment – this is simply awful.

Now we launch into the lions, and tigers, and bears oh my part – which he includes the girls on (even though one of them hasn’t even seen the movie before), followed by a fairly decent, yet somehow still cringeworthy, Cowardly Lion medley. Next, the great and powerful oz which is… Abraham Lincoln’s head on a stick – not even surprised any more. And then wicked witch melts, and then there’s no place like home… and a round of applause. Congrats, Joey – you just condensed Oz into 78 seconds of mediocrity.

Joey asks what everyone thought. Stephanie isn’t thrilled and demands the TV is fixed. Corrina says she loved it. So did Danny (no surprise). Since the TV didn’t work it’s time for bed… wait, what? They were just about to sit down for an hour-and-a-half long movie but because the cable is out they have to go to bed? What kind of sadistic parenting is this? “Theme park is closed for winter, kids so let’s go home and euthanize the puppy”. “The supermarket was out of ice cream so we’re going to the doctor to get some injections. Lots of ‘em.” Anyway, Danny’s awful parenting leaves Joey alone with the girl and the girl is definitely attracted to Joey. She thinks he’s very mature and funny. He has a fucking dollhouse on a stick – in his bedroom – and that bedroom is a sleeping bag under a fucking staircase. He’s the exact opposite of mature. He’s the kind of man you run from. She wants to see Joey if he’s not seeing anyone.

This freaks out Joey who goes to go on to randomly check for things in the kitchen – probably a pot, a meat rack, and a towel incase they wanna have sex later on. She says she’s not that into Jesse. Joey doesn’t wanna risk breaking the guy code – which existed even in the era of mullet haircuts. But she pushes him further and they smooch a few times – increibly without Joey making trumpet noises. I kissed *mouth trumpet sound* a girl! Then Jesse walks in one them. Uh oh. Cue a face sadder than a presentless child on his birthday. We fade back in from this flashback and Jesse is talking about how Joey kissed the woman of his dreams. Really, dude? I know you just took her on a 9 hour, I’m-ready-to-propose-to-this-girl date but woman of your dreams is a little strong.

Jesse is upset and confrontational. He wants answers. Joey gives an idiotic story about sucking cheese out of her mouth instead of kissing her. Jesse doesn’t wanna give the guitar lesson anymore. Joey confesses that Corrina wasn’t really choking on cheese and Jesse asks her to leave so he can talk to Joey.

Jesses chases after Joey and Joey runs and grabs Michelle to use as a shield. Joey confesses that he also felt an instant attraction to Corrina. They both instantly fell in love. Joey says that Corrina likes her more. Danny comes in and thinks they’re fighting over with one Michelle likes more and makes them give her a kiss.

Even though the story didn’t really have a resolution, nor was it much of a story to begin with, the girls have to go to bed again – this time in the present. DJ interjects, though – pointing out that they never found out how the story ends. I was expecting the story to just end right there since the writers typically aren’t sticklers for details – or any of the generally expected elements of storytelling. Off to bed they go anyway.

Danny wants a resolution. He wants them to hash it out. He asks them several basic questions about her, none of which they can answer. They don’t even know what color her eyes are. Danny doesn’t think they fell in love with Corina, they fell in love with being in love. Jesse says he’s upset because he just wants to meet “the one” – Danny says he doesn’t have to try so hard. He’ll know when its the right one. Joey admits that he was carried away too – he was shocked that Corina liked him as much as he liked her. Someone finding Joey tolerable is something I find surprising too.

The guys patch things up. There’s another sound at the door. Jesse says he knew he heard something. It’s Corina. Um… has she been sitting outside for 20 odd minutes? They invite her in. She explains that she came to apologize earlier, heard fighting and left, and then decided to come back again (world’s most convenient timing). She says they’re both great and she doesn’t wanna ruin their friendship. She’s ready to leave but Jesse insists that she gets to know Joey a little better. Joey kisses the girl and the two girls, who weren’t in bed afterall, say ewwwww.

Full House has some of the worst attempts at writing that I have ever seen. I’m not exaggerating, either. The way this episode is constructed is basically this: “Fuck you, idiot – stuff happened!”

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