Episode 09: Season One – The Miracle of Thanksgiving

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The episode starts off with Danny sticking a puppet turkey through Michelle’s door and saying gobble, gobble, gobble. No the turkey puppet isn’t Joey, although you’d be forgiven for thinking it might be.

Good news for Michelle, she has an opportunity that only comes along once in her “career as a baby”. This joke makes Michelle laugh – it’s good to finally learn how old you have to be to find the “humor” in this show funny. Also, I know it’s kind of mean to make fun of a freakin’ baby, but since that baby is a grown up billionaire, fuck it – damn that’s an ugly kid. So what is this opportunity, anyway? Saying the word ‘turkey’.

Danny then has the perfectly normal idea to plop Michelle’s ass on top of Jesse’s head until he wakes up. It works, because no one wants a soiled diaper sloshing away on their neck. They go down stairs to wake up Joey, who springs out of bed full of the kind of ain’t life grand energy that usually precedes a song in musicals. Danny has some bad news – it’s snowing in Tacoma which means his mom can’t come and cook the turkey for them. Joey is unfazed by this news, because he believes they can fix everything thanks to the Miracle *mouth trumpet sound* of Thanksgiving.

Jesse wisely points out that Joey is an idiot and that there’s no Miracle of Thanksgiving. There’s a miracle of Christmas, Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, Miracle Whip – but no Miracle of Thanksgiving. Joey points out that if the pilgrims had landed in Florida they’d all be eating flamingo. Very good, Joey. All Danny knows is everything has to be perfect because it’s the kids first thanksgiving without their mother. Again, Joey is nonplussed – because everything will be fine thanks to the Miracle *mouth trumpet* of Thanksgiving.

Cut to the kitchen and the guys are trying to work out how to make Thanksgiving dinner. Given that they’re reading very basic directions like “melt butter” and it’s kind of confusing, it’s a pretty good indication that they’re completely over their heads. I anticipate a transition effect that shows the kitchen in complete disarray in 3… 2… 1. The girls come into the kitchen and announce Happy Thanksgiving. The producers, obviously aware that the baby gets easy laughs, have her ride her toy motorcycle in and pops a wheelie. Cute. A trained monkey could do that.

Danny breaks the news that grandma won’t be coming and that they’re all going to have a great Thanksgiving at a restaurant instead. Stephanie is fine with it but to add a little emotional drama DJ gets all pouty and says the idea stinks. Since they’ve been milking the dead wife angle for a few episodes, the writers decide to take a drive down dead mom avenue. DJ points out that mom always made Thanksgiving dinner and they should have it at the house.

DJ points out that she knows how to make the pumpkin pie and that she can make the turkey too. Well, uh… okay – I guess that solves it? And hey, suddenly Jesse realizes he can do a bunch of stuff with yams and Joey is known in some parts of the world as Mr. Vegetable. And with one more – but surely not the last – Miracle *mouth trumpet* of Thanksgiving we transition to the family dancing and singing around the kitchen to Get Ready Here I Come. After they’re all done doing the Watusi with bowls of green beans Joey holds up the turkey and says the Miracle *mouth trumpet* of Thanksgiving. Alright already, dude – we get it… you can make some noises.

Everyone makes sure to give DJ extra credit since she was the one who put together the whole thing. It’s nice of them, but it will surely backfire if something happens to have gone wrong. And… cue something wrong – the turkey is frozen. I guess that’s bound to happen when you let a 10-year-old do your cooking… oh wait, Joey had nothing to do with the turkey. Danny is sure to lather on some extra compliments while Joey and Jesse try to work out what’s wrong with the turkey. DJ is so glad everything turned out great, just the way her mom did it last year. Jesus. Talk about laying it on thick. Alright Full House writers – we get it, let’s cut to the scene where her whole world falls apart.

DJ senses there’s a problem in the kitchen – a problem with her turkey. The guys all assure her that there’s nothing wrong, and a little part of me hopes they launch into another impromptu song and dance number to prove it. Not because it would be funny, but if you’re creating a train wreck – the more trains the better. Danny puts the turkey back in the oven and there’s a ring at the doorbell. In less than a dozen episodes in, I know by now it could literally be anyone at the door. Will it be an old girlfriend? Grandma? The pizza guy from episode 2?

It happens to be two women who don’t yet realize they’re in the wrong house until they’re literally inside the house. They ask to use the phone because cell phones don’t exist it. The girls just happen to be carrying a warm turkey – just what the men need. They send the girls upstairs and Danny says this is the miracle of thanksgiving. He doesn’t make a trumpet sound with his mouth either. The turkey the women are holding was meant for them. Danny tells Jesse to convince the girls to stay. Danny dims the lights, while Joey suggests he go fetch some traditional Pumpkin Margaritas.

Jesse tries to work his magic but the women have husbands. So Danny offers a bunch of cash for the turkey. Meanwhile in the kitchen Joey gets his tongue stuck in a bottle. Then he gets the bottle stuck in a chair while trying to pull it out. At the same time the turkey starts burning. What next? He gets his foot stuck in a bear-trap? Joey runs into the living room like a maniac and scares the women away. Everyone rushes into the kitchen and finds the turkey burned to a crisp. Danny tells DJ its all his fault because he burned the turkey to a crisp because it was frozen. DJ feels awful. Stephanie tries to make everyone feel better by reminding them that they still have the pie – which she accidentally drops on the floor.

Stephanie runs off upset because she ruined the pie and DJ runs off upset because she ruined the turkey. Danny runs off to talk to DJ and Jesse pulls the bottle out of goes of Joeys mouth before running to talk to Stephanie. Joey remarks its the miracle *blah blah blah blah* of thanksgiving.

Up in DJ’s room, she tells Danny that he doesn’t have to tell her that she ruined Thanksgiving. Danny assures her that she didn’t screw up. And that he’s thankful that he has her, and that she pulled the whole family together. We get a soft-close emotional talk between DJ and Danny, which involves the sickly-sweet Mom Tanner nugget “Smiles are free, so give them away!” Meanwhile Jesse and Stephanie are in a closet together. Jesse tells her its ok. He gives her a piggy back to a photo album across the room and shows her goofy pictures of him as a kid. Stephanie laughs at his bad hair, which was cut by his sister – AKA Stephanie’s mom. They flip through more pictures, more of her mom.

DJ and Danny come in and grab the others. Jesse stays looking at the album, Danny comes back in and says “are you coming” before realizing seeing the photo album and remarking that the kids look like Pam (the dead wife). This irks Jesse, who is hurting as it’s also his first thanksgiving without his sister. Danny tries to talk to him. He points out that Jesse spent far more Thanksgivings with Jesse than anyone else in the family. Jesse breaks down and asks “when is it gonna stop hurting” – he pours his heart out, talking about how it feels when he sees pictures. Danny reminds him that its hard, but he doesn’t have to do it alone. Danny points out that talking about the memories is a good way to keep a person alive. They share a laugh over a picture of Pam and then reunite downstairs for a burned turkey.

Danny says grace and they curve the black turkey.

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