Episode 17: Season One – Danny’s Very First Date

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There’s a whole bunch of little bee girls in the Tanner living room. A woman, later identified as Linda, asks the kids if they know what today is. Stephanie says it’s the start of the Honey Bee Honey Drive. As the honorary Queen Bee, Joey gets to pass out the sample. He says he would bee delighted. The drive is for underprivileged children. Yeah… underprivileged – I doubt the Tanner kids know the meaning of the word or give a shit even if they do. The kid who sells the most jars of honey gets a prize: a new bicycle. The girls all go nuts, but only one of them races over to it and jumps on like it is already hers. If you guessed it was a Tanner, you’d be fucking correct. Joey and Linda pull Stephanie off – eventually. Joey tells her she hasn’t won the bike yet, but Stephanie stresses the yet. Joey introduces a “Honey Bee legend”, the girl who sold the previous record of jars. Why it’s none other than DJ. Yep, another Tanner – the family the entire world revolves around.

DJ gives them a pep talk about how they need to work their stingers off and sell, sell, sell. For the sake of the disadvantaged kids right, Deej? Jesse comes home and she orders them to attack. They swarm on him – he brushes them all aside but tells Stephanie to see him later. In the kitchen Joey and Jesse look at a tree-house that Jesse’s mom has sent for Michelle. Danny bounds through the door asking if the honey bees are there. Jesse tells him yes they’re still there and so is Linda. It appears as though Danny is over his Dead Wife Syndrome because he quite fancies Linda. Danny asks if it’s been enough time. Jesse says it’s been a year – he says it’s okay. Danny is a little rusty, he doesn’t even know remember how to ask a girl out. Joey was his expert on women when he met Pam. Oh… Danny! Jesse says go in there and ask her out on a date.

Danny goes in and makes some small talk with Linda. Linda’s daughter asks Danny if he would like to buy a jar of honey from him. Danny buys 3 jars, I imagine just to butter Linda up. Stephanie is upset. She wants that bike. Yeah, no surprise that helping the underprivileged kids is nowhere on her radar. (And to be fair, it wouldn’t have been on mine as a kid either but whatever. Fuck. The. Tanners!). Danny says he will buy 10 jars from her. DJ doesn’t think this is enough and orders he buys 20. Danny talks her down to 17. Linda is impressed that he purchased 17 jars. Danny says when DJ was doing it he purchased over 100. Linda says he’s a great dad. Yeah, not being able to say no, and buying enough jars to eat nothing but honey for a lifetime is awesome parenting. Danny racks up the courage to ask Linda if she likes movies and then awkwardly rambles on so much that she even points out that he was working up the courage to ask her out. Linda says she has a car full of bees but she has two tickets to an art exhibit if she can find a sitter for her kid. Danny says Jesse and Joey can do it. She will even treat him to dinner. Danny is excited that he has a date tonight.

In the kitchen Joey and Jesse are putting together Michelle’s playhouse thing. Danny comes in with the good news. He says he was shy and awkward and she asked him out. Danny asks for advice on how to tell the girls he’s going on a date. They say to trust his instinct and tell them what they need to know. Listen to what they say and respond accordingly. Danny says they don’t have a clue how to handle it do they. Up in the room Candace Cameron is screeching her way through her lines about honey bee salesmanship. Stephanie thinks her sales pitch is great and tries it on Danny – who reminds her he already bought 17. Danny starts to tell the girls he’s going on a date and gets nervous so he adds on two more jars. Grow some balls, coward. He tries to spit it out and can’t and adds on another 4 jars. Finally he spits it out – he’s going on a date. Stephanie is excited that she gets to go. DJ explains that they don’t get to go – that they want to be away from the kids.

DJ gets all whiny and says she needs him to help with her homework. Stephanie asks if they go on a date will Linda be their new mommy. Danny says of course not. He says people go on dates all the time, it doesn’t lead to marriage. DJ lays the guilt on thick and and so Danny caves and changes his plans to just stay in with the girls. They’re happy but Danny is bummed out. Later, Danny has to call Linda and cancel the date. He doesn’t blame his kids, he says it’s too soon. Jesse and Joey come upstairs just in time to hear the call and ask him what he’s doing. He says he couldn’t stand to see the looks on the kids faces. Jesse and Joey tell him that he should have kept the date. The girls will eventually deal with it. Joey says the situation will always be tough, but he can’t keep postponing life. They ask Danny what he really wants to do and he says he wants to go on the date. He calls back Linda and apologizes, joking that it was his evil twin brother Manny Tanner. He wants to go on the date.

Just then the girls come down and tell Danny that because he’s such a great dad they want to take him out for ice cream. They give him a hug and walk off screen. Danny picks back up the phone and tells Linda it’s Manny Tanner again and he can’t go on the date. Jesus Christ, this poor woman must feel completely humiliated by this point. In the living room the two nitwits are putting together Michelle’s thing. It’s meant to be a tree-house but it looks more like a tiny plastic slide with a roof. Jesse is wearing glasses, of course. The guys are having trouble putting the thing together. The girls come in and ask if they want to go get ice cream with the and Danny. They say they have a better idea – they get ice cream with them and let Danny go on his date. Joey says he thinks he knows how they feel. Joey says he was only 6 when his parents got divorced and he didn’t like it at first, but when he saw how happy his mom was it made it better. The girls realize their dad is lonely and agree to let him date. Jesse has got himself trapped in Michelle’s house.

DJ takes Stephanie aside and tells her she isn’t sure about the whole dating thing. She says it might make their mom unhappy. Seeing as Stephanie is only 5 she instantly agrees – and she’s been pretty damned confused the whole episode and has been talking like Mara Wilson. Danny is flipping a ball up in the air and catching it as the girls come in with ice cream. I’m pretty sure were heading for a whopper of a Special Moment here, with the dead mom / dead wife emotions building to a boil all episode. Danny tells them to get into bed. He asks them what is wrong. Stephanie says they’re wondering if they still love mom. He says of course he does. A date won’t change that, falling in love with someone else won’t either. He says that they had a talk about what would happen if one of them died, before she died and that they agreed they should date. The girls are happy that she would be happy and tell him to go on the date. Danny says he’s already broken the date twice and doesn’t think he can call her. So DJ calls for him.

So Linda is downstairs waiting for Danny and he realizes he doesn’t like his look. He says he needs their help with a look. It cuts to Danny dressed like Joey and then like Jesse – he actually keeps her waiting who knows how long. Eventually he decides to get back into the suit and arrives to go on the date. Linda says she understands – she went through the same thing when she started to date. They leave and Michelle gets to enjoy her new tree house – which she abandons for an old dish rag she likes more.

Episode 15: Season One – A Pox in Our House

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Holy shit the start of this episode is absolutely AMAZING - probably not in the way they intended, though. Jesse and seven of his equally talentless friends (including a couple from the episode The First Night) are singing Hodja in the living room. I had no idea this was a song until I searched for Oh Child and realized I was hearing the lyrics wrong. Hodja? Random. By the way, what the hell happened? A few weeks ago Jesse was playing in a generic rock band, now he’s, what, one of The Dovells? Did tambourine girl run off with the pizza guy?

It cannot be understated – these people look fucking ridiculous – even by 80s standards. They are not cool in any sense of the word. It’s like some reject gang from The Warriors whose uniform consisted of acid-wash Jordache jeans, partnered with ugly shirts and sweaters. And yes, I know that was how people looked then. Joey, Danny, and Michelle are all rocking out to the sweet, sweet harmony and then the other girls come running down the stairs and join in too. Actually, Stephanie has the same look of agony as I did. When they finish singing (and it takes a while) the entire family erupts in applause and Danny starts singing it on his own much to everyone’s dismay. Jesse says goodbye to the band and the band sings goodbye back in a completely over the top manner. After the band has finally left Danny notices that Stephanie is laying on the floor. He asks how she feels and she says she feels yucky. Once again, I’m on the same page as Stephanie.

Danny realizes she has a fever and after a little more investigation it’s revealed that she has Chicken Pox. So, I wonder which other members of the family will get it too. Stephanie is alarmed by the fact that she thinks she caught something from a chicken. I actually laughed at this because I was drunk, and Jodie Sweetin’s stupefied deliveries are actually growing on me. Danny says she’s going to be fine and that everyone gets the Chicken Pox. Jesse, DJ, and Danny all confirm they had the Chicken Pox – but Joey says he’s never had them. He’s immune to them, you see. Jesse calls him out on this. Joey says everyone in his school had them but him. He says germs take one good look at his body and say, “Why waste our time?” Jesse’s comeback of, “Women say the same thing!” is actually pretty good even though the set up is obvious.

Later up in bed, Stephanie is going crazy with itchiness. Danny tells her she can’t scratch. Stephanie asks how she is supposed to scratch with oven mitts over her hands – which she proceeds to pull out from under the covers. I hope Joey doesn’t need to do any boxing tonight, as some may recall he used oven mitts for boxing gloves in Knock Yourself Out. Stephanie is excited about a real ballerina coming to her ballet class. Danny says she should drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest. DJ comes in with a glass of juice, Stephanie gulps it down and says keep ‘em coming. Jesse strolls in looking like he’s dressed in something made from shiny candy-bar wrapper. The audience goes crazy. Jesse has brought with him some stuff to make Stephanie’s itchiness go away.

Joey has also brought a cure – a stuffed animal he calls Teddy Itch-No-More. Apparently the way it works is whenever Stephanie is itchy, she just scratches the bear in the same spot that she’s itchy. Stephanie actually thinks it works, too. Great job, Joey. But there’s more! Joey has also purchased an air-horn that she can use whenever she needs something. Joey, you fucking moron! DJ strolls in with a dozen glasses of orange juice. Danny has an exciting day tomorrow, he has a special report with the Golden State Warriors. He actually gets to warm up and sit on the bench in uniform. Jesse has a Doo-Wop show but other than that he is available all week. Joey has no conditions to his open availability. DJ is off to her first slumber party, and despite beaming with excitement through her lines, she’s apparently “so nervous”. Well, thanks for telling us your plans, guys! Stephanie kicks everyone out and then immediately blows the air-horn. Everyone comes running like crazy people. She says, “Just testing.” Oh… how adorable.

In the nursery Danny, DJ and the ugly baby are setting up the room so DJ can sleep. Well, I guess the baby isn’t doing anything but what else is new? There is a loud burst from the air-horn and Danny say’s he’s going to kill Joey. DJ tells Michelle to go to sleep. Michelle doesn’t want to sleep. DJ uses dog commands on Michelle and it works. The next morning Danny comes running into the kitchen in Warriors gear, spinning a ball on his finger – or trying to. DJ is scarfing down her cereal, and reminds Danny that it’s her very first slumber party. Oh no. Is something going to ruin her very first slumber party? I dunno, I just kind of get the feeling the plot is going to somehow revolve around her VERY FIRST SLUMBER PARTY! Jesse comes downstairs exhausted from no sleep. Joey comes upstairs with a fever – sweating – saying it’s obviously malaria. Danny realizes that Joey has Chicken Pox. The phone starts ringing and Jesse goes to answer it. It’s his mom! Oh cool, how convenient. This phone call then lazily reveals that he never had the Chicken Pox either and… so he has them too. Uh… ok. After that, Jesse hangs up – so, like, wow good thing she randomly called? Seriously, it’s basically as blunt as this:

Hello son?

The girls have Chicken Pox.

You never had them.

Yes I did.

No you didn’t.

Goodbye!

Danny realizes he’s in trouble. The station really needs him to do this story, even though he will surely trip someone over, or reveal painful news – or both. He realizes he needs a sitter who doesn’t have Chicken Pox. DJ goes off to the slumber party and Danny tries desperately to find a sitter. The two idiots fall asleep. Meanwhile, upstairs, Stephanie is making her big escape so she can see the real ballerina. Jesse comes upstairs and she dodges him and sneaks downstairs. Joey is sulking around the kitchen wondering why Danny still hasn’t made him bacon, eggs, juice, toast, and tea. I’m almost positive this combo was featured on famouslastmeals.com. He asks where Danny is. Danny is obviously frantically calling sitters. He says he will give Danny a hand – his idea of “a hand” is just him writing down what he wants once Danny gets off the phone. In the living room Danny is pleading to not be replaced on the big story. He promises to be there in 37 minutes. Joey screams out for Danny to come and make him food. Danny goes away and Stephanie makes a break for it, but Jesse catches her. I can’t imagine how the writer looked at this madness and thought, “This works!” And that’s coming from someone who wrote the mess you’re (probably not) reading now.

Cornered, Stephanie says she’s not Stephanie, she’s Karen – Stephanie’s friend. If only she was talking to Joey this might have worked. Stephanie ends up getting caught in her lie and Jesse tries to make her feel better about missing stuff. She reminds him that he will also miss his Doo-Wop show. Upstairs Jesse and Joey put calamine lotion each other, Joey talks about how salmon have bad lives. They should make the best of the bad situation and smile like he does. They start a bet to see who itches first and try to make each other crack. They do another one of their annoying little back-and-forth bits (like the 7th or 8th so far?) and then end up scratching each other. Of course, Danny walks in the exact moment when they are scratching their heads with… their heads.

Danny is back downstairs looking for a baby sitter and he has had no luck. I’m surprised he needs one, since virtually the whole City of San Francisco apparently begged and pleaded for Michelle to be a regular in the last episode. His last chance is DJ. But remember it’s her very first slumber party. Danny doesn’t know whether he should call her away from her very first slumber party or not. Upstairs Stephanie, Joey, and Jesse are all itching each other and wind up in an impromptu chain gang song. Then Danny joins in and starts singing horribly as usual. He has food but no one is hungry – probably should have checked first, Danno. He couldn’t find a sitter and he’s bummed. DJ comes randomly strolling in at that second and asks if he needs a sitter. He says yes. He’s thrilled. He says she’s a terrific kid. DJ says he does so much for her, its nice to do something nice for him. Danny says he’s honored to be part of the family. DJ asks if they need anything and the family naturally shouts a massive list of requests at her.

Episode 16: Season One – But Seriously, Folks

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As the first season of Full House kinda draws to a close I cannot believe I’ve actually stuck with this for so long. I would pat myself on the back if it wasn’t for the fact that this isn’t any sort of accomplishment. The episode But Seriously, Folks sounds like it will be center around Joey’s awful standup… so it should be good.

Jesse is teaching DJ and Kimmy how to play guitar. DJ isn’t very good and their outfits are awful. They’re in a band called The Bracelets, which I assume is a play on The Bangles, and Jesse is teaching them how to do a cover of Venus… a song by Bananarama. Kimmy sings horribly while he strums on the guitar. For some unknown reason, well, unknown for any family but this one, DJ flips the guitar over and starts playing it like bongos while wailing the lyrics. People stop and stare. Danny comes in while she’s practicing and says tonight is Joey’s big night. Oh FUCK YES – awful Joey stand-up! Please show it. Please be horrible. Please crush his spirits. Kimmy suggests DJ stay home and practice instead. Downstairs Joey tells Danny his new “bit”:

“Hello Wilburrr I’m gonna visit all my friends in prison.”

Since he’s doing Mr. Ed’s voice Danny assumes it is an impression of, well, Mr. Ed. Joey says he was close, it was an impression of Mr. Ed Meese – and then plays his laugh track (last seen in episode). Danny says Joey is going to be hot tonight and Joey says he can feel it that tonight will be his night. Now if you’ve read more than one of my reviews, and I certainly don’t blame you if you haven’t, you know that Joey saying this means one thing: tonight won’t be his night. That’s fantastic news for me, but on the downside, he will probably mope a lot and possibly even have a chance at redemption. That’s horrible news. Guess what? There’s going to be a talent scout from HBO looking for talented young comics for a big special. Lucky for Michelle she will be spending a couple of days with grandma. Jesse gives Joey some words of encouragement. Joey reinforces that tonight will be his night so that none of the brain-dead viewers could possibly have missed it. Yep, Joey is going to *mouth trumpet* crash and fucking burn. You’re going down, you basement dwelling son of a bitch.

Stephanie is all dolled up for her big night as Jesse’s date… and… okay we’re gonna let this happen I guess? DJ wonders why she has a purse. She says she has woman things she might need on a date. Money for a phone call, keys to some place, and of course, an orange. The money for a phone call reference is funny. Ah, 80s telephone standards. They leave the house and we transition to some godawful comedy club somewhere in San Francisco. The first performer on stage turns fire into a duck and then puts the duck in a box. He makes an awful joke about it not being a microwave, which is on par with any joke Joey has ever made. The audience doesn’t laugh or even register it as a joke. He then pulls on the box and the duck turns into a woman. Everyone goes crazy. Up next is Joey Gladstone. Joey says it’s every comic’s dream to follow a magician. Joey points out the HBO guy is right behind them. The family awkwardly lets their presence be felt. They wish Joey luck and he goes up on stage.

The MC tells an awful joke that makes a lady who is sitting in the audience laugh. The MC recognizes her laugh as that of Phyllis Diller and asks her to come up and perform a set. Joey hates this idea because its meant to be his night. Diller gets up and does jokes for an hour and a-fucking half and then leaves. Really? 90 minutes?! Two comedy albums worth of material? Not that I give a shit about Joey, but that’s pretty rude and inconsiderate. A bunch of people leave and the MC does a joke about cereal prizes – giving us another look at oat boats cereal. Joey goes up and performs his pretty shitty jokes. They’re at least complete jokes, I’ll give him that – but the audience is laughed out from Diller and starts to leave. After some more desperate comments everyone else, including the HBO guy leave. Well, my first wish came true – Joey failed – but it’s implied that he failed because he had to follow a legendary comic. Fuck you, Full House! This is not the way this was meant to go down!

Back at the house Danny is looking for Joey because they didn’t hear him come home. Well, it appears Joey took being bumped pretty seriously because he’s slicked his hair back and is wearing a suit. The family can’t believe it’s Joey. Jesse comments that he’s been moosing. Danny says he’s never moosed before. Joey says to please call him Joe as its more sophisticated and more grownuppy. Joey realizes that his big break is never going to come and he’s going to go into business. DJ says but what about comedy – Joey says there comes a point where you realize you tried and failed. He’s quit comedy and that’s that. The family is very concerned. Because Joey is turning into a grown up there will be one less baby sitter so Jesse had to go looking for a daycare. They put a sweatband on Michelle and she gains a new stupid nickname Arnold Schwarzenbaby. Danny puts on some awful music and they try to see if Michelle is any good at aerobics. She looks at them like they’re insane and the audience goes crazy.

‘Joe’ comes home and he’s got two job offers – a bank teller and a stock broker trainee. Wow, he’s really… going through the motions… and… stuff? He turned them both down. Apparently he’s turned down six other jobs too – all for stupid reasons like “they served him instant coffee”. Stephanie comes home and greets everyone including Joe. She asks if Joe wants to watch Rocky & Bullwinkle but he says no because he’s a businessman now. Everyone says they miss the old Joey. As much of a tool as the old Joey was, Businessman Joe would be even less fun around the house. Danny says Joey still wants to do comedy, that’s why he keeps turning down the serious jobs. Upstairs Jesse is wearing his smart guy glasses and is teaching DJ how to play again.

Is it just me or does Candace Cameron have one of the most annoying voices ever? I don’t even know how to describe it. Her voice combines the unsteadiness of a newborn lam with the bravado of a wayward moose on the interstate. A little shaky. A little zigzaggy. Yet self-assured and confident as fuck. It’s like her lines are being squeezed out of the ass end of a balloon and straight into my ear canals.

Anyway, DJ complains about how hard it is. Jesse tells her a story about a little boy who heard an Elvis Presley record. He was so inspired that he hopped on his bike and traded it at a pawn shop for a guitar. He practiced and practiced all the time until he could play really well. And that boy… was him! DJ says she’s quitting, and she uses Joey quitting comedy as a reason.

The family realize they need to get Joey back to himself so they take him to the comedy club where Jesse is going to play music for amateur night. Jesse pulls a fast one and gets up and starts performing bad stand-up comedy – which is actually Joey’s standup, just a little more poorly timed. The weird thing is – it’s somehow funnier than when Joey does it. Joey gets mad that his jokes are getting butchered and takes over the set. Joey’s jokes are all really corny, but I dunno, probably not terribly different from a lot of the offend nobody but also make no one laugh humor of the time. He even manages to get in an Elmer Fudd impression. The audience gives him a round of applause. Back at the house the family congratulates him and Jesse tells him to get a part time job like he has. Joey says tonight was his night and goes of to bed. Jesse won’t let him go to bed until he wraps up DJ’s quitting guitar problem. He goes upstairs to where the girls are sleeping. DJ is watching DJ under the covers. It is an actual TV too, which would surely seem ridiculous to all the kids who just watch Netflix on their phones!

Joey tells DJ that he got back on stage and he was great. She says she thought he quit. He said he did but he was just looking for the easy way out. DJ says she didn’t quit just because of him, she quit because she stinks. Joey says she’s only been playing a week, to try longer. Joey says she isn’t a quitter and she doesn’t give up just because something is hard. Joey says goodnight in a Bullwinkle voice and the girls are happy that he’s back. DJ picks up the guitar and tries to practice again.

Episode 14: Season One – Half a Love Story

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y7We open in the Channel 8 Action Newsroom as one of the anchors is saying they will be right back with Danny Tanner and sports. They go to commercial and Danny runs over to see Robin, a friend of his who has an interview to be one of the new reporters. Danny says she should stay at his already crowded, annoying ass house instead of a hotel. Jesse walks into the studio with Michelle and is immediately taken with Robin. He uses Michelle to lure her in and it works. Jesse asks her out for a romantic evening of dinner and dancing. She says she can’t tonight but maybe tomorrow. Jesse asks to seal it with a kiss – using Michelle as some sort of fleshy link between their lips. Now mere inches from her face he says that Michelle says she has beautiful eyes. Robin leaves, clearly looking forward to seeing Jesse again.

The news comes back from commercial and Jesse approaches Danny and hands Michelle off to him, right as he’s about to deliver his report. What the fuck. Now we’re back to the classic no-fucks-given-about-anyone-else behavior that defines this show. Jesse has an audition for a big gig so watching Michelle is now officially not his fucking problem. The fact that Danny is about deliver his report while holding a baby doesn’t matter. Danny can deal with that. The fact that it makes the network look incredibly unprofessional doesn’t matter. The network can deal with that. The fact that most people don’t care for this ugly baby doesn’t matter. The people of San Francisco can deal with that. Danny tries to pass Michelle off as a new addition to the sports segment while the other anchors shrug their shoulders in disbelief.

Later in the day Robin is chilling on the couch with Danny when the girls walk in. She asks DJ if she remembers her, she doesn’t. In the kitchen, Joey is pouring Chinese take-away into a wok and attempting to pass it off as his own cooking. He says he’s tired of the family making fun of his cooking and saying he’s not the world’s greatest cook. So he does listen! This indicates to me that Joey’s CPU must be a neural net processor – a learning computer. Stephanie says not to worry as she’s not the world’s greatest anything. Joey says she is the world’s greatest Stephanie – aww! He tells Stephanie to go tell everyone he’s almost done cooking.

Just as Stephanie leaves there’s a knock at the door. It’s Jill. Who’s Jill? She’s a girlfriend that Jesse had, that he never really broke up with – kind of a friend’s with benefits type deal, apparently. Jesse comes home and sees Robin sitting on the couch and walks over like he’s going to put the moves on right then and there. He reminds her that they’re going out tomorrow and she says they absolutely are. Danny lets Jesse know that he invited Robin to stay the weekend and he thinks she can stay in his room. This of course means that he will be staying the night with Joey, who strolls in at that exact moment making dinner-bell motions and making the accompanying sounds with his mouth. Either I’m getting kind of numb to this kind of behavior or he’s toning it down.

Everyone goes into the kitchen and at the exact moment they’ve left Jill comes downstairs and says, “Hey Jessie!” Isn’t it funny how she just happened to come down the second Robin had left? She asks Jessie if he had forgot their date. He says of course not and suggests they leave. Joey says not to go as he made a delicious Chinese meal. Jill says she loves Chinese food and goes into the kitchen. You know what’s coming next, right? Of course! Jesse is going to end up having dinner with both women and we can only guess as to how well its going to end. Jesse sits awkwardly between the two girls and tries to pass them both off as friends. Robin let’s Jesse know that they’ve already met and they she was informed that they have a date tonight.

Everyone thinks Joey’s food is great but Danny thinks it tastes like the food at Uncle Wu’s Chinese Palace. Jill asks what movie they should see – Jesse tries to change the subject but no one wants to talk. Jill tells a story about how Jesse and her met. She explains how he came in with Michelle, and how there’s something about a baby that is sexy and hard to resist. Robin says it’s becoming easier. Danny asks if he uses his baby to meet women. Joey says he’s taking the baby with him tomorrow to meet girls the market. Jill goes on to spill all of Jesse’s techniques – the same ones he used on Robin. DJ chimes in asking if the food is too spicy because Jesse is sweating bullets. Thanks for the help, DJ!

Later that evening we see Robin and Danny practicing her audition piece. Jesse walks straight into the room and says he hopes he isn’t interrupting anything – even though it’s a textbook example of interrupting something. He says he wants to talk to Robin privately and asks Danny to leave. Robin tells Danny not to leave and that she doesn’t think the date is a good idea. Jesse is devastated and doesn’t want to accept reality. Robin says she’s dated his type before and it always gets her into trouble. Jesse gets defensive wants to know what his type is. She says he’s a guitar-playing, leather-wearing, Elvis-loving, motorcycling-riding, girl-chasing, blow-drying, baby-toting tough-guy type. Only in the 80s couldJesse says she’s right, but he’s also a romantic-type and a compassionate-type type - that’s attracted to her type. She says she bets he has never had a relationship last more than three months. He says she’s wrong but can’t remember the name of her. Jesse kicks Danny out of the room – Danny says he’s going to patch up the Iran / Iraq squabble.

After Danny leaves Robin admits she’s afraid of getting hurt. Jesse won’t quit – even going so far as saying he won’t take no for an answer. All of this despite the fact that she has expressed a lack of interest multiple times. I would like to think Full House is providing some sort of commentary on how pushy men can be, but I’m sure it’s meant to be funny or something. Still, kudos for writing a female character who has at least some dignity and enough spine to kick this creep out of the room. Obviously the whole family is outside listening in. they all confront him. DJ says you really like her huh. He says its the worst breakup in his whole life and he hasn’t even gone out with her yet. the next morning Jesse is pretending that everything is fine – he’s over her but Joey isn’t buying it. Danny suggests he try taking things slow and being friends. Jesse doesn’t want this.

Upstairs Robin is chilling with DJ and Stephanie. The fact that DJ commented on Jesse liking her means that there’s a 100% chance that this pretentious little freak is going to give her some sort of lecture on how she should date her uncle. DJ and Stephanie talk about how when she gets the job she can come and visit them all the time. Stephanie says she can even date Uncle Jesse. Robin says she doesn’t see that happening. DJ points out that David and Maddie on moonlighting didn’t like each other at first either. The girls tell her that uncle Jesse is a great catch – he can sing, can give fun piggy back rides, and has an awesome head of hair. Jesse comes into the room and it’s obviously awkward so she leaves.

Stephanie slams her finger in a drawer and Jesse runs over and makes everything better. Robin looks on as Uncle Jesse miraculously distracts Stephanie into forgetting how much the finger hurt. He gives her a piggy back ride out of the room and Stephanie says “what a guy” – the scene closes on Robin looking like she misjudged him

Cut to the Channel 8 room and Danny is once again doing the news report with Michelle and says he would like to thank all of the callers who asking for Michelle to be a regular on the show. Bull. Fucking. Shit. But, unfortunately Danny announces that she is retiring. Jesse comes to pick up Michelle, Robin is practicing her piece and Jesse shows up with Michelle. Jesse says she’s not putting enough personality into it and that she needs to have more fun with it. Jesse  gives a demonstration of how she should do it. He does a bombastic fake news report, throwing a have mercy in there for good measure. It’s finally time for Robin to do her go land we fade out as she is going.

Later that night in the Tanner house Danny gives a toast to Robin, the newest member of the Channel 8 team. Robin thanks all of them for their help. She asks to have a private word with Jesse. They go outside to the backyard and she says she wanted to help him for all of his help. She says she was wrong about him – he’s different to all the other guys like him. She digs his strong maternal instincts – the girls really adore him, and she’s beginning to see why. He says that they should just be friends and she says she would like that. And if they ever want to be more than friends she will have to make the first move.

He asks if she ever were to do that what would the move be…

She says trust her if she ever makes a move he will know it…

She gives him a friendly hug and he asks if that was a move…  

She asks if his toes curled…

He says yeah…

She says when she really makes a move everything curls…

Jesse says HAVE MERCY and the episode ends. 

I always do a search on these random actors and actresses. The person who played Robin – Kristian Alfonso – starred on Days of Our Lives for, like, about as long as I’ve been alive. I’m talking over thirty-years. Holy shit. She was even in the news this year when she went to Australia to promote the show going back on the air there. Alright, that’s not terribly exciting news – but you don’t see Mr. Benten doing anything these days, do ya. Huh? Yeah!

 6D

Episode 13: Season One – Sisterly Love

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Danny starts the episode off by introducing America’s newest superstar Miss Donna Joe Tanner. There’s some applause from the family, and DJ walks in wearing a fancy red dress. DJ was apparently in a performance of The Princess and the Frog. Danny says he laughed, he cried, he learned about life. Joey is upset that he missed the end of the performance due to Michelle crying. Stephanie says DJ should do the ending again for Joey. DJ says she would love to, but she needs someone to play the frog. Everyone looks at Jesse to be a frog. So Jesse assumes a stupid frog pose and DJ goes through the ending. She kisses Jesse and he turns into a normal person again. Everyone applauds and Stephanie does a throw back to DJ’s “ooooh, the man is hot” line by saying “ooooh, the girl is hot.” It’s some sort of proto catch-phrase but you can see the gears were turning somewhere. The writers knew they wanted catch phrases, they were just trying to find something that clicked.

DJ says acting is a lot of fun. Jesse says Danny knows people in show biz and should make some calls, maybe get her in a commercial. Danny says he will try, but for her not to get her hopes up. In the kitchen Jesse has made Michelle a corned beef sandwich on rye with a big fat kosher pickle to make up for the baby food she eats. Michelle eats the pickle. Almost five-minutes in and this episode is low on laughs (not unexpected) and even lower on the kind of stupid shit that makes worth reviewing! Hurry up and get to the corny bullshit already. Danny walks in and takes away the sandwich and pickle and at the same time Joey walks in. Please, Joey – save the day with something as awful as that shirt you’re wearing.

Joey’s done some shopping – meatless vegetable cutlets, marinated tofu squares, and salt free rice crackers. Jesse asks if Joey won the Hari Krishna Family Publisher’s Sweepstakes. Danny asks, “Isn’t that the one with Ed McMahon in the orange robe with the shaved head.” Then laughs at his own joke. Danny is sort of like a laugh track for the family letting them know when to laugh. Joey says they can laugh at his diet all they want, but he got some news from the doctor about his cholesterol and he needs to eat unsaturated fats. He’s also decided on his own to give up junk food. The guys don’t think he can do it – but Joey says they are talking to Mr. Willpower, dudes. I’m not sure why he adds dudes – possibly to take any credibility out of his statement. Well, as much credibility that remains from someone who refers to himself as Mr. Willpower.

Some time later, Danny says he called the talent agency and there’s a cereal commercial next week. Alright, there’s some great Full House potential here. He doesn’t even know if he should tell DJ, though. Jesse says DJ should go for it. Joey says DJ shouldn’t, because she’ll be up against professionals who will destroy her self-esteem. She will feel like a loser if she doesn’t get the part. Danny says this is the hard part about being a parent – any decision could drastically change their outcome in life. Hearing this makes Jesse and Joey flip-flop on their advice. Danny realizes DJ is the one he should be talking to. Joey reiterates the point, saying every decision they make could effect the girls for the rest of their lives. Will this guy finally grow up now and stop spitting water around the place?

Danny finds DJ in her room and tells her that she has a big decision to make about the commercial audition. DJ says she wants to do it. Danny stresses that the chances of her getting the part are slim and not to get her hopes up. He says she should only do it for the fun of it but to think about it. DJ stresses she wants to do it. Cut to later in the casting office and DJ gets a large reality check when she sees one of the other young candidates handing out a publicity shot and resume. Stephanie asks if that was a kid or a little tiny grown up. DJ gets cold feet, saying it’s a mistake. She doesn’t even have a resume or picture. Jesse tries to sweet talk the lady at the desk into liking DJ – same shit they do in every episode. She’s not buying it, asks him to leave her picture and resume at the desk like everyone else. Somehow they work this out because…

Cut to DJ’s audition for Olson’s Oat Boats cereal. For some reason, even though there’s no camera rolling, there’s an actual bowl of cereal with milk on the table. I guess they don’t want to risk casting someone who can’t actually perform in front of a real bowl of cereal? But don’t worry, the real reason for this comes into play soon. DJ delivers the corny lines, Jesse applauds wildly and says it was great. The casting director loved it too and says she wants her to stay and do it one more time for Mr. Benten, the guy who makes the final decisions. DJ goes insane with glee. Jesse has to go run outside to put coins in the meter and DJ goes off to do her hair. Stephanie asks if she can have some of the cereal, since DJ did such a good job selling it. Stephanie then inadvertently creates an improvised commercial as she eats it, right as Mr. Benten comes in. Of course! And guess what? He loves it! And she’s now hired for the commercial OF COURSE!

Mr. Benten congratulates Stephanie on becoming the new Oat Boat girl just as Uncle Jesse and DJ walk back in. Stephanie, DJ, and Jesse all wonder what the hell happened and then the sad music comes on. Back at the house Joey is drinking some seaweed-protein-wheat-germ tonic, which he tries to pretend is fine. DJ comes storming in and opens a soda bottle. Danny says he tried to warn her she might not get the part and it probably went to someones relative. Jesse tells Danny that Stephanie got the part. Danny thinks it’s wonderful but he’s very sorry for DJ too. Joey is happy that there’s a bright side – he had nothing to do with it. Steph asks if DJ is mad at her. DJ says of course she isn’t – but she’s not terribly convincing. 

Upstairs Joey is trying to temp Michelle with a hamburger and fries – part two of an odd, and unexplained element involving feeding adult food to the baby. Instead of temping Michelle, he temps himself and proceeds to scarf it down. Danny and Jesse come looking for him while he has a mouth full of burger. He hides the food under Michelle’s stuffed animals. Jesse asks where Michelle got a french fry and he searches and finds the burger and fries. Joey admits that he isn’t Mr. Willpower, he’s Mr. Cholesterol. He scarfs down another bite. Danny points out that Joey should find a happy medium between the healthy and junk. Danny has to leave to go back to work (of course) and asks the guys to keep an eye on DJ and Steph.

Downstairs Stephanie is practicing her commercial with a bowl of Oat Boats. DJ laughs at her every time she does the lines. Stephanie says if she’s doing something wrong that DJ should help her, and asks her again if she’s sure she isn’t mad. DJ says of course she isn’t upset. Stephanie says she thinks she’s jealous. The girls chase each other around the kitchen for the box of cereal, yelling at each other. They rip the box of cereal open tugging on it and Jesse and Joey arrive just in time to break up the fight. They try to make them kiss and make up. It doesn’t work so they split them up. Downstairs in Joey’s room – which is a room again – DJ is furiously peddling away on an exercise bike. The guys come in to talk and DJ says they were right and she was wrong.

Joey says that they strike out at auditions all the time. DJ says they’ve never had a part stolen by their sister though. Jesse says she’s right, and that Stephanie obviously tricked them [Him and DJ] into taking her to the audition just so Stephanie could get the part. Jesse further adds that she used telekinesis to get them out of the room. This approach makes DJ realize she didn’t do it on purpose and she smiles. But she’s still mad at her. So they talk some more.

They ask her whats wrong and she says she is sick of having sisters. It was better when it was just her. Then Stephanie came along and she was so cute. Then Michelle came along and was so cute. Joey asks if she had a problem when she was getting all the attention after the play. They point out that it is great being the oldest. She gets no hand-me-downs, gets to date first, drive first, see an R rated movie first. The best part is she has two little sisters who need her and look up to her and love her. 

Out in the living room, Stephanie is calling the operator to find Mr. Oat or Mr. Oat Boat. She says she can’t do the commercial as it’s tearing the family apart. DJ arrives in time to say she needs to talk to her. Stephanie asks to put them on hold. There’s no reply and Stephanie says the first utterance of how rude – delivered completely as a throwaway line. She says sorry she stole the part, DJ says she knows it wasn’t on purpose. DJ says she was jealous. Stephanie says she’s always jealous of her. That’s why she’s always following her around, because she’s the smartest, prettiest, funnest girl she knows… except when she hates her. The audience awws. DJ says she doesn’t hate her – and says she’s her best friend and Stephanie says that works out great because she’s her best friend too. The audience awws again and claps. The girls go off to practice the script as Jesse and joey watch on.