We’re in the Tanner living room and Stephanie is practicing her Show & Tell presentation for DJ and Danny. If you guessed that her Show & Tell would be her baby sister Michelle, you’ve been paying attention to the dynamics of this show and its disgustingly self-absorbed family. Let me guess, everyone is going to think cute little Kuato is the most interesting Show & Tell of them all. Stephanie mentions that Michelle’s hobbies are drooling and babbling – but somehow forgets that her favorite hobby is being a hideous mutant freak. The family tells Stephanie her performance is great and a couple of seconds later Jesse tries to sneak through the door. He sees the family and tries to make a run for it, but Danny stops him and the family asks why he’s always sneaking in and out with a blue bag. Oh boy, another Full House mystery. I was hoping he had chopped up Joey’s body and was disposing of it piece by piece but unfortunately, Joey walks through the door.
Joey reminds us all why he’s such an insufferable character by personally telling everyone in the family how much he loves them. Joey is in a great mood because his mom found an old savings bond of his which was now worth $5000. Joey proudly shows the family his $5000 which he is carrying in what resembles a screwed up ball of cash. He’s gone out and purchased presents for everyone. Michelle gets a plastic lawnmower, DJ gets Springsteen tickets, and Stephanie gets a bike. I guess Stephanie never did sell the most jars of honey to win the bike in the other episode. Jesse and Danny talk about what they hope they’re getting out of Joey’s $5000. Jesse hopes it is a brand new motorcycle. Uh… wow, dream big next time Jesse. Danny says he knows what he’s getting – $800 that he loaned Joey to fix his car 11 years ago. Until now Joey hasn’t had the cash… or even any cash at all? Wow. Joey honestly made no attempt to even piece together the cash he owed Danny in over a decade? Also, just going to point out – for anyone new to this series or TV in general – Danny’s gift certainly is not going the $800.
Danny is so touched by the act of generosity, that hasn’t even happened yet, that he has decided that he will be giving Joey back the $800. Jesse thinks this is the stupidest thing he has ever heard. DJ is going crazy in the living room trying to work out what is inside the bag. She comes up with an idea to get inside the bag by putting a cookie inside the bag and letting Michelle get it out. Michelle gets the cookie out of the bag and the audience could not be more impressed. Hello?! My dog could do that trick! It doesn’t result in us seeing what’s inside the bag, though and DJ takes Michelle upstairs. It’s at this moment that Joey comes into the living room asking if the guys are ready for their presents. Danny whispers to Jesse that he’s been ready for 11 years. Jesse is up first, getting a lifetime pass to the Great American Amusement Park. I suppose that’s mean to be Great America. It’ a cool gift in theory but it seems like an odd choice for Jesse and he certainly seems to think so too. Danny opens his gift and to his surprise he also received a lifetime pass to Great American. He’s certainly more shocked than Jesse. Joey has purchased himself a 1964 genuine Gumby and Pokey pinball machine.
This sets Danny off – he tells Joey that this stupid purchase (and possibly the ones for everyone else) is the reason why he is always broke. He says every time he gets any money he blows it. Joey’s response is to tell Danny to lighten up and makes a fart sound – which, as far as Joey goes, is probably the most mature response we could have hoped for. Danny chases him around the living room asking if he’s ever thought of doing something responsible with his money. Joey does not compute – so Danny lists a bunch of things that he could do with his money, one of which is pay off old debts. This one gets Joey’s attention – but he says he doesn’t have any old debts because no one would be stupid enough to loan him money. They have a good old laugh before Danny tells Joey that he was stupid enough to loan him money. Joey does not remember. Danny tells him: Palm Springs – March 12, 1977, his car blew up and Danny loaned him the cash. Joey asks Danny why he didn’t say something earlier because he had completely forget. Joey gives him the entire ball of cash. Danny says he doesn’t want the cash, he just wanted Joey to want to give him the cash. He wants Joey to invest it, Joey says he is investing it – in getting Danny off his back.
Upstairs Jesse is in an Elvis costume – the audience goes so crazy I though Michelle must have been crapping her diaper or staring off into space or something. As usual in the House of Bad Timing, Stephanie and DJ knock at the door because they want to tell him something. Jesse runs and puts on a bathrobe to cover his Elvis costume and then stands in the most awkward position he possibly could. The girls are instantly weirded out – but Jesse isn’t off the hook yet because in strolls Danny. We’ve known these assholes for 20 or so episodes so we know Danny is just going to ask him what’s under the robe. Jesse says it is none of his business, but reveals one of his Elvis costume legs. He meekly tells the family don’t be cruel. DJ says the costume is really cool and that she should have looked in the bag sooner. Jesse confesses that he’s in a tribute to The King called Rock N Roll Heaven. He’s doing it for one more night (Great, we get to see the family cheer him on), but he didn’t tell them because he always thought of himself as having his own musical identity. Really? I always thought of him as a shameless Elvis copycat but whatever.
It’s not as though this show is hard to predict but I find it funny that one of the next lines in the show is Danny saying the family just wants to go and cheer him on. That’s exactly what I predicted, down to him using the word cheer. Again, it was a safe bet – but Jesus, is this show on-the-rails or what? Jesse doesn’t think it is a good idea. Joey strolls into the room and starts laughing his guts out and then leaves the room. Cut to Rock N Roll Heaven and there’s a Marilyn Monroe look-a-like on stage, she finishes and then Jesse gets up on stage and does his awful Elvis complete with some corny jokes. He then sings bits of I Get So Lonely and Because I love You Too Much, he thrusts and gyrates and then goes into the audience to give DJ and Stephanie scarves. Jesse finishes with some An American Trilogy, there’s smoke and more gyrations and weird moves, he finishes with a hallelujah as he stands in front of the Stars and Stripes. It’s corny and short – the latter of which I was thankful.
Back at the house, Stephanie and DJ decide to sing Heartbreak Hotel as they enter the house. It’s every single bit as awful as you might imagine. They get some pity applause and they promptly leave. Danny and Joey argue over taking the money and Jesse comes home with the Marilyn lookalike. Jesse has some great news, the job is his for as long as he wants it. He just doesn’t know if he should keep doing the job. The Marilyn lookalike actually thinks she really is Marilyn – she’s awful, by the way. Danny and Joey argue over the money some more, then they argue over how to make a sandwich. The differences between Joey’s “whatever” approach and Danny’s “OCD approach” is cemented. Joey uses a dirty knife, for example, while Danny paints on the mustard and alternates ham and cheese so that both is represented in equal amounts. Joey says Danny needs therapy, and that he is very predictable and paint by the numbers.
Joey pulls a piece of bread off his sandwich and puts it on the table to prove a point to see if Danny goes crazy. Danny doesn’t crack. Danny says everything is a joke to Joey, to which he agrees. Danny says Joey is almost 30 and still watches cartoons. It’s like living with Pee Wee Herman. This encourages Joey to make a Pee Wee Herman voice and play hot potato with the cash before running like a madman downstairs making more Pee Wee noises. Danny chases him and they decide to settle it like they used to as kids – arm wrestling. Whoever loses has to keep the money. Jesse comes to break up the argument by saying something his more important. Danny says he should keep the job so he gets money for his demo tape. Joey says he should do the job for fun. Jesse leaves and they compliment each other on giving great advice. The special moment is that Danny is a little square and Joey is a little goofy. Joey wants to clear up the debt and pleads he take the money, Danny agrees, and anyone who had to watch this lives unhappily ever after.
Episode 21: Season 1- Mad Money,