Jesse and Joey are measuring Michelle for an outfit that grandma is making her. It’s an outfit that she will never wear or at least one that we will never see but whatever. Jesse says they should make it fun for Michelle so they start making mooing noises. DJ and Kimmy come downstairs and she remarks, “Your dad let’s these people take care of you?” Kimmy wants to know if DJ wants to go to the church bake sale. DJ says she can’t because she’s waiting for her cousin Steve. Kimmy says she made The Three Wise Men out of strudel. Mmm sacrilicious. DJ says she can’t bare to miss meeting up with her cousin Steve who’s like a big brother to her. Judging by the appearance of him that DJ gives, Kimmy says he sounds like a real Geek Burger with Cheese (an upgraded form of a regular Geek Burger). Stephanie announces a visitor at the door and it’s Steve – no, that’s not Steve – that’s fucking Kirk Cameron. Now the line about Steve being like a big brother is all the more cheesy. It’s actually Candace’s real life, control-freak, evolution-fearing brother. The audience goes wild and then we’re treated to some Cameron on Cameron action.
Once a total Geek Burger, it seems that Steve’s acne has cleared up, his braces have been removed, and now he wears contacts instead of glasses. He looks like a loser to me, but I know at the time he was quite the heartthrob. Kimmy is so taken by Steve that she accidentally slams the door in Danny’s face. Steve gets to sleep in the alcove. In true Full House fashion, Steve isn’t here just to visit family, he’s here because he’s being offered a baseball scholarship from Stanford. Despite that sounding pretty major, there’s a 100% chance we will never see or even so much as hear about this guy ever again. Kimmy has forgotten her name at this point and needs Stephanie to remind her. Jesse and Joey come running in with Michelle. In certainly the first, and possibly the only, even slightly humorous thing Michelle has done – she looks at Kirk Cameron like he just spoke the most ridiculous bullshit she’s ever heard. And this is years before he became a Televangelist.
DJ sets the tone for the episode by telling him that he has their whole weekend planned out. First up, ice skating – since he’s not a 6 year old girl, he wants to play baseball instead. Danny and the rest of the guys get all excited and then Danny breaks it to her that someone has to stay with the baby. DJ says she doesn’t mind. They throw the ball around the living room like they’re in The Room before Joey accidentally tosses it out the front door. In the kitchen, DJ is going through photos and the writer pushes the cousin infatuation aspect of the episode further. Kimmy has decided to stay with the Tanner’s until dreamy Steve has left. The guys come in and act like animals – devouring all the sandwiches that Stephanie made and then they run to the living room to watch the Lakers. Danny says he really thinks the Lakers can repeat as world champions. Steve points out if they do they’ll be the first since the Celtics in the 69-70 season. For anyone wondering, yes, they did repeat as world champions. There’s more exaggerated guy talk and then DJ tries to join in by screaming “Yes!” like they were all doing. Of course everyone just looks at her weird because she has two X chromosomes and sports is guy stuff.
Steve asks if anyone wants another pickle. DJ says they’re all out, but Kimmy volunteers to go get more. Just sitting around munching on pickles with The Tanners – yep, that’s my idea of hell on earth. Jesse and Joey make a bet on the game. Joey guesses correctly and Jesse has to pay up. Jesse asks him for another bet so he has a chance to make his money back. Joey agrees and despite guessing something extremely specific, is correct again. Stephanie reveals that Joey didn’t know any of this stuff that morning when they watched the game. Joey gives the money back. Michelle cries and Superman Steve volunteers to go take care of her. Danny sarcastically says he’s sure he can take care of a baby with no experience. That’s funny Danny, I made the same comment when you let two people with no experience take care of your baby in episode one. You remember, right? When they changed her in a pot and spat soda around the room? He sends DJ to go help him.
Joey says Steve is a real cool guy. Danny says thanks for being nice to him since he hasn’t had a lot of guy time since his dad moved out. Upstairs Steve comes in and starts guessing what’s wrong with the baby. DJ says she thinks she needs a changing. She teaches Steve how to change a diaper with a stuffed animal. She asks Steve if he wants to go ice skating – he says he can’t because Danny is taking him to a Warriors game. So she offers up going the next day, and then they can go to a movie and eat pizza. Then Steve says he’ll be busy the whole time he’s there – looking at colleges and stuff. And he’s also too old for most of that stuff. After he’s learned how to change a diaper Danny comes running up and takes him away. He asks DJ if she has plans tomorrow – she says not anymore. They’re going to play touch football in the park. Steve adds after that they can play some soccer, basketball, volleyball and tennis – and he’s not talking about NES games. He didn’t even mention wanting to go ice skating once? What gives!
DJ is upset – she asks Michelle what she thinks of Steve. She says he’s a jock now, not nice and into her like he used to be. DJ says she’s just not one of the guys. The next day Joey and Jesse have rearranged the living room so they can teach DJ how to play touch football. First they teach her how to say football in an annoying “manly” voice – something she barks a bunch more throughout the episode. I almost can’t even be bothered typing up what happens next. In a nutshell it involves Joey running to the kitchen and coming back with a sandwich, catching the pass from Jesse and then accidentally spiking the sandwich instead of the football. Later at the park DJ tries to impress everyone with her basketball trivia – including “If the Bulls ever built their team around Jordan, they’d be unstoppable.” Well, you were right on that DJ. They then go off and play football in a field that is clearly a sound-stage. Danny’s first pick is of course the world’s biggest victim: poor father-deprived Steve. Jesse picks DJ. Danny picks Kimmy, because she wants to be on Steve’s team. Jesse picks… Michelle?! Danny takes Stephanie – leaving Joey to play with Jesse.
They start playing and they throw the ball to DJ who scores a touchdown. The game is stupid and annoying to try to describe. It’s pretty much just goofing off. Steve says its time for the girls to stop playing. DJ takes offense and says just because they’re girls doesn’t mean they can’t play. DJ gets all aggressive, or I guess that’s what we’re meant to think. She tackles Steve, and Steve’s nose gets bent out of shape because they’re playing touch football. Danny comes to Steve’s defense saying she was way out of line. DJ gets all defensive and asks why Danny doesn’t just adopt him and runs off before she starts crying like a little girl. Danny runs after DJ and we join them on a bench. He asks what’s up, she says its obvious – taking him to ball games, having fun, high fives all over the place. Danny says she knows his dad moved out last year and he needs guy time. The music starts and then DJ says it sucks ‘cuz she’s a girl and they used to be good friends. Danny says Steve has grown a lot in the last couple years and become a man. DJ gives a sulky comment because she’s a whiny Tanner.
Later, back at the house DJ is in her room – Steve asks to come in. He asks why she clobbered her, and she says she was mad at him. She was looking forward to spending time with him and he didn’t even want to go ice skating. She missed the old Steve. He says he’s the same Steve. She says no he isn’t. The old Steve wouldn’t have taken that long to go to her room. Get over yourself, princess. He says he still loves her. She says he seems so much older now. He says when they’re both older they won’t notice the difference so much. DJ asks if they can start all over. Steve knocks at the door and they start fresh. He asks if she wants to go ice skating and she says nah that’s for little kids… but she will if he really wants to go. And they hug and thankfully that’s the end.
There’s a song in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure called Two Heads Are Better Than One. It’s a catchy song that never would have existed if the writers had seen both of these talentless Cameron assholes sharing the same screen for 24 miserable minutes.Episode 18: Season One – One of the Guys,