Episode 16: Season One – But Seriously, Folks

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As the first season of Full House kinda draws to a close I cannot believe I’ve actually stuck with this for so long. I would pat myself on the back if it wasn’t for the fact that this isn’t any sort of accomplishment. The episode But Seriously, Folks sounds like it will be center around Joey’s awful standup… so it should be good.

Jesse is teaching DJ and Kimmy how to play guitar. DJ isn’t very good and their outfits are awful. They’re in a band called The Bracelets, which I assume is a play on The Bangles, and Jesse is teaching them how to do a cover of Venus… a song by Bananarama. Kimmy sings horribly while he strums on the guitar. For some unknown reason, well, unknown for any family but this one, DJ flips the guitar over and starts playing it like bongos while wailing the lyrics. People stop and stare. Danny comes in while she’s practicing and says tonight is Joey’s big night. Oh FUCK YES – awful Joey stand-up! Please show it. Please be horrible. Please crush his spirits. Kimmy suggests DJ stay home and practice instead. Downstairs Joey tells Danny his new “bit”:

“Hello Wilburrr I’m gonna visit all my friends in prison.”

Since he’s doing Mr. Ed’s voice Danny assumes it is an impression of, well, Mr. Ed. Joey says he was close, it was an impression of Mr. Ed Meese – and then plays his laugh track (last seen in episode). Danny says Joey is going to be hot tonight and Joey says he can feel it that tonight will be his night. Now if you’ve read more than one of my reviews, and I certainly don’t blame you if you haven’t, you know that Joey saying this means one thing: tonight won’t be his night. That’s fantastic news for me, but on the downside, he will probably mope a lot and possibly even have a chance at redemption. That’s horrible news. Guess what? There’s going to be a talent scout from HBO looking for talented young comics for a big special. Lucky for Michelle she will be spending a couple of days with grandma. Jesse gives Joey some words of encouragement. Joey reinforces that tonight will be his night so that none of the brain-dead viewers could possibly have missed it. Yep, Joey is going to *mouth trumpet* crash and fucking burn. You’re going down, you basement dwelling son of a bitch.

Stephanie is all dolled up for her big night as Jesse’s date… and… okay we’re gonna let this happen I guess? DJ wonders why she has a purse. She says she has woman things she might need on a date. Money for a phone call, keys to some place, and of course, an orange. The money for a phone call reference is funny. Ah, 80s telephone standards. They leave the house and we transition to some godawful comedy club somewhere in San Francisco. The first performer on stage turns fire into a duck and then puts the duck in a box. He makes an awful joke about it not being a microwave, which is on par with any joke Joey has ever made. The audience doesn’t laugh or even register it as a joke. He then pulls on the box and the duck turns into a woman. Everyone goes crazy. Up next is Joey Gladstone. Joey says it’s every comic’s dream to follow a magician. Joey points out the HBO guy is right behind them. The family awkwardly lets their presence be felt. They wish Joey luck and he goes up on stage.

The MC tells an awful joke that makes a lady who is sitting in the audience laugh. The MC recognizes her laugh as that of Phyllis Diller and asks her to come up and perform a set. Joey hates this idea because its meant to be his night. Diller gets up and does jokes for an hour and a-fucking half and then leaves. Really? 90 minutes?! Two comedy albums worth of material? Not that I give a shit about Joey, but that’s pretty rude and inconsiderate. A bunch of people leave and the MC does a joke about cereal prizes – giving us another look at oat boats cereal. Joey goes up and performs his pretty shitty jokes. They’re at least complete jokes, I’ll give him that – but the audience is laughed out from Diller and starts to leave. After some more desperate comments everyone else, including the HBO guy leave. Well, my first wish came true – Joey failed – but it’s implied that he failed because he had to follow a legendary comic. Fuck you, Full House! This is not the way this was meant to go down!

Back at the house Danny is looking for Joey because they didn’t hear him come home. Well, it appears Joey took being bumped pretty seriously because he’s slicked his hair back and is wearing a suit. The family can’t believe it’s Joey. Jesse comments that he’s been moosing. Danny says he’s never moosed before. Joey says to please call him Joe as its more sophisticated and more grownuppy. Joey realizes that his big break is never going to come and he’s going to go into business. DJ says but what about comedy – Joey says there comes a point where you realize you tried and failed. He’s quit comedy and that’s that. The family is very concerned. Because Joey is turning into a grown up there will be one less baby sitter so Jesse had to go looking for a daycare. They put a sweatband on Michelle and she gains a new stupid nickname Arnold Schwarzenbaby. Danny puts on some awful music and they try to see if Michelle is any good at aerobics. She looks at them like they’re insane and the audience goes crazy.

‘Joe’ comes home and he’s got two job offers – a bank teller and a stock broker trainee. Wow, he’s really… going through the motions… and… stuff? He turned them both down. Apparently he’s turned down six other jobs too – all for stupid reasons like “they served him instant coffee”. Stephanie comes home and greets everyone including Joe. She asks if Joe wants to watch Rocky & Bullwinkle but he says no because he’s a businessman now. Everyone says they miss the old Joey. As much of a tool as the old Joey was, Businessman Joe would be even less fun around the house. Danny says Joey still wants to do comedy, that’s why he keeps turning down the serious jobs. Upstairs Jesse is wearing his smart guy glasses and is teaching DJ how to play again.

Is it just me or does Candace Cameron have one of the most annoying voices ever? I don’t even know how to describe it. Her voice combines the unsteadiness of a newborn lam with the bravado of a wayward moose on the interstate. A little shaky. A little zigzaggy. Yet self-assured and confident as fuck. It’s like her lines are being squeezed out of the ass end of a balloon and straight into my ear canals.

Anyway, DJ complains about how hard it is. Jesse tells her a story about a little boy who heard an Elvis Presley record. He was so inspired that he hopped on his bike and traded it at a pawn shop for a guitar. He practiced and practiced all the time until he could play really well. And that boy… was him! DJ says she’s quitting, and she uses Joey quitting comedy as a reason.

The family realize they need to get Joey back to himself so they take him to the comedy club where Jesse is going to play music for amateur night. Jesse pulls a fast one and gets up and starts performing bad stand-up comedy – which is actually Joey’s standup, just a little more poorly timed. The weird thing is – it’s somehow funnier than when Joey does it. Joey gets mad that his jokes are getting butchered and takes over the set. Joey’s jokes are all really corny, but I dunno, probably not terribly different from a lot of the offend nobody but also make no one laugh humor of the time. He even manages to get in an Elmer Fudd impression. The audience gives him a round of applause. Back at the house the family congratulates him and Jesse tells him to get a part time job like he has. Joey says tonight was his night and goes of to bed. Jesse won’t let him go to bed until he wraps up DJ’s quitting guitar problem. He goes upstairs to where the girls are sleeping. DJ is watching DJ under the covers. It is an actual TV too, which would surely seem ridiculous to all the kids who just watch Netflix on their phones!

Joey tells DJ that he got back on stage and he was great. She says she thought he quit. He said he did but he was just looking for the easy way out. DJ says she didn’t quit just because of him, she quit because she stinks. Joey says she’s only been playing a week, to try longer. Joey says she isn’t a quitter and she doesn’t give up just because something is hard. Joey says goodnight in a Bullwinkle voice and the girls are happy that he’s back. DJ picks up the guitar and tries to practice again.

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