Episode 15: Season One – A Pox in Our House

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Holy shit the start of this episode is absolutely AMAZING - probably not in the way they intended, though. Jesse and seven of his equally talentless friends (including a couple from the episode The First Night) are singing Hodja in the living room. I had no idea this was a song until I searched for Oh Child and realized I was hearing the lyrics wrong. Hodja? Random. By the way, what the hell happened? A few weeks ago Jesse was playing in a generic rock band, now he’s, what, one of The Dovells? Did tambourine girl run off with the pizza guy?

It cannot be understated – these people look fucking ridiculous – even by 80s standards. They are not cool in any sense of the word. It’s like some reject gang from The Warriors whose uniform consisted of acid-wash Jordache jeans, partnered with ugly shirts and sweaters. And yes, I know that was how people looked then. Joey, Danny, and Michelle are all rocking out to the sweet, sweet harmony and then the other girls come running down the stairs and join in too. Actually, Stephanie has the same look of agony as I did. When they finish singing (and it takes a while) the entire family erupts in applause and Danny starts singing it on his own much to everyone’s dismay. Jesse says goodbye to the band and the band sings goodbye back in a completely over the top manner. After the band has finally left Danny notices that Stephanie is laying on the floor. He asks how she feels and she says she feels yucky. Once again, I’m on the same page as Stephanie.

Danny realizes she has a fever and after a little more investigation it’s revealed that she has Chicken Pox. So, I wonder which other members of the family will get it too. Stephanie is alarmed by the fact that she thinks she caught something from a chicken. I actually laughed at this because I was drunk, and Jodie Sweetin’s stupefied deliveries are actually growing on me. Danny says she’s going to be fine and that everyone gets the Chicken Pox. Jesse, DJ, and Danny all confirm they had the Chicken Pox – but Joey says he’s never had them. He’s immune to them, you see. Jesse calls him out on this. Joey says everyone in his school had them but him. He says germs take one good look at his body and say, “Why waste our time?” Jesse’s comeback of, “Women say the same thing!” is actually pretty good even though the set up is obvious.

Later up in bed, Stephanie is going crazy with itchiness. Danny tells her she can’t scratch. Stephanie asks how she is supposed to scratch with oven mitts over her hands – which she proceeds to pull out from under the covers. I hope Joey doesn’t need to do any boxing tonight, as some may recall he used oven mitts for boxing gloves in Knock Yourself Out. Stephanie is excited about a real ballerina coming to her ballet class. Danny says she should drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest. DJ comes in with a glass of juice, Stephanie gulps it down and says keep ‘em coming. Jesse strolls in looking like he’s dressed in something made from shiny candy-bar wrapper. The audience goes crazy. Jesse has brought with him some stuff to make Stephanie’s itchiness go away.

Joey has also brought a cure – a stuffed animal he calls Teddy Itch-No-More. Apparently the way it works is whenever Stephanie is itchy, she just scratches the bear in the same spot that she’s itchy. Stephanie actually thinks it works, too. Great job, Joey. But there’s more! Joey has also purchased an air-horn that she can use whenever she needs something. Joey, you fucking moron! DJ strolls in with a dozen glasses of orange juice. Danny has an exciting day tomorrow, he has a special report with the Golden State Warriors. He actually gets to warm up and sit on the bench in uniform. Jesse has a Doo-Wop show but other than that he is available all week. Joey has no conditions to his open availability. DJ is off to her first slumber party, and despite beaming with excitement through her lines, she’s apparently “so nervous”. Well, thanks for telling us your plans, guys! Stephanie kicks everyone out and then immediately blows the air-horn. Everyone comes running like crazy people. She says, “Just testing.” Oh… how adorable.

In the nursery Danny, DJ and the ugly baby are setting up the room so DJ can sleep. Well, I guess the baby isn’t doing anything but what else is new? There is a loud burst from the air-horn and Danny say’s he’s going to kill Joey. DJ tells Michelle to go to sleep. Michelle doesn’t want to sleep. DJ uses dog commands on Michelle and it works. The next morning Danny comes running into the kitchen in Warriors gear, spinning a ball on his finger – or trying to. DJ is scarfing down her cereal, and reminds Danny that it’s her very first slumber party. Oh no. Is something going to ruin her very first slumber party? I dunno, I just kind of get the feeling the plot is going to somehow revolve around her VERY FIRST SLUMBER PARTY! Jesse comes downstairs exhausted from no sleep. Joey comes upstairs with a fever – sweating – saying it’s obviously malaria. Danny realizes that Joey has Chicken Pox. The phone starts ringing and Jesse goes to answer it. It’s his mom! Oh cool, how convenient. This phone call then lazily reveals that he never had the Chicken Pox either and… so he has them too. Uh… ok. After that, Jesse hangs up – so, like, wow good thing she randomly called? Seriously, it’s basically as blunt as this:

Hello son?

The girls have Chicken Pox.

You never had them.

Yes I did.

No you didn’t.

Goodbye!

Danny realizes he’s in trouble. The station really needs him to do this story, even though he will surely trip someone over, or reveal painful news – or both. He realizes he needs a sitter who doesn’t have Chicken Pox. DJ goes off to the slumber party and Danny tries desperately to find a sitter. The two idiots fall asleep. Meanwhile, upstairs, Stephanie is making her big escape so she can see the real ballerina. Jesse comes upstairs and she dodges him and sneaks downstairs. Joey is sulking around the kitchen wondering why Danny still hasn’t made him bacon, eggs, juice, toast, and tea. I’m almost positive this combo was featured on famouslastmeals.com. He asks where Danny is. Danny is obviously frantically calling sitters. He says he will give Danny a hand – his idea of “a hand” is just him writing down what he wants once Danny gets off the phone. In the living room Danny is pleading to not be replaced on the big story. He promises to be there in 37 minutes. Joey screams out for Danny to come and make him food. Danny goes away and Stephanie makes a break for it, but Jesse catches her. I can’t imagine how the writer looked at this madness and thought, “This works!” And that’s coming from someone who wrote the mess you’re (probably not) reading now.

Cornered, Stephanie says she’s not Stephanie, she’s Karen – Stephanie’s friend. If only she was talking to Joey this might have worked. Stephanie ends up getting caught in her lie and Jesse tries to make her feel better about missing stuff. She reminds him that he will also miss his Doo-Wop show. Upstairs Jesse and Joey put calamine lotion each other, Joey talks about how salmon have bad lives. They should make the best of the bad situation and smile like he does. They start a bet to see who itches first and try to make each other crack. They do another one of their annoying little back-and-forth bits (like the 7th or 8th so far?) and then end up scratching each other. Of course, Danny walks in the exact moment when they are scratching their heads with… their heads.

Danny is back downstairs looking for a baby sitter and he has had no luck. I’m surprised he needs one, since virtually the whole City of San Francisco apparently begged and pleaded for Michelle to be a regular in the last episode. His last chance is DJ. But remember it’s her very first slumber party. Danny doesn’t know whether he should call her away from her very first slumber party or not. Upstairs Stephanie, Joey, and Jesse are all itching each other and wind up in an impromptu chain gang song. Then Danny joins in and starts singing horribly as usual. He has food but no one is hungry – probably should have checked first, Danno. He couldn’t find a sitter and he’s bummed. DJ comes randomly strolling in at that second and asks if he needs a sitter. He says yes. He’s thrilled. He says she’s a terrific kid. DJ says he does so much for her, its nice to do something nice for him. Danny says he’s honored to be part of the family. DJ asks if they need anything and the family naturally shouts a massive list of requests at her.

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