Episode 13: Season One – Sisterly Love

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Danny starts the episode off by introducing America’s newest superstar Miss Donna Joe Tanner. There’s some applause from the family, and DJ walks in wearing a fancy red dress. DJ was apparently in a performance of The Princess and the Frog. Danny says he laughed, he cried, he learned about life. Joey is upset that he missed the end of the performance due to Michelle crying. Stephanie says DJ should do the ending again for Joey. DJ says she would love to, but she needs someone to play the frog. Everyone looks at Jesse to be a frog. So Jesse assumes a stupid frog pose and DJ goes through the ending. She kisses Jesse and he turns into a normal person again. Everyone applauds and Stephanie does a throw back to DJ’s “ooooh, the man is hot” line by saying “ooooh, the girl is hot.” It’s some sort of proto catch-phrase but you can see the gears were turning somewhere. The writers knew they wanted catch phrases, they were just trying to find something that clicked.

DJ says acting is a lot of fun. Jesse says Danny knows people in show biz and should make some calls, maybe get her in a commercial. Danny says he will try, but for her not to get her hopes up. In the kitchen Jesse has made Michelle a corned beef sandwich on rye with a big fat kosher pickle to make up for the baby food she eats. Michelle eats the pickle. Almost five-minutes in and this episode is low on laughs (not unexpected) and even lower on the kind of stupid shit that makes worth reviewing! Hurry up and get to the corny bullshit already. Danny walks in and takes away the sandwich and pickle and at the same time Joey walks in. Please, Joey – save the day with something as awful as that shirt you’re wearing.

Joey’s done some shopping – meatless vegetable cutlets, marinated tofu squares, and salt free rice crackers. Jesse asks if Joey won the Hari Krishna Family Publisher’s Sweepstakes. Danny asks, “Isn’t that the one with Ed McMahon in the orange robe with the shaved head.” Then laughs at his own joke. Danny is sort of like a laugh track for the family letting them know when to laugh. Joey says they can laugh at his diet all they want, but he got some news from the doctor about his cholesterol and he needs to eat unsaturated fats. He’s also decided on his own to give up junk food. The guys don’t think he can do it – but Joey says they are talking to Mr. Willpower, dudes. I’m not sure why he adds dudes – possibly to take any credibility out of his statement. Well, as much credibility that remains from someone who refers to himself as Mr. Willpower.

Some time later, Danny says he called the talent agency and there’s a cereal commercial next week. Alright, there’s some great Full House potential here. He doesn’t even know if he should tell DJ, though. Jesse says DJ should go for it. Joey says DJ shouldn’t, because she’ll be up against professionals who will destroy her self-esteem. She will feel like a loser if she doesn’t get the part. Danny says this is the hard part about being a parent – any decision could drastically change their outcome in life. Hearing this makes Jesse and Joey flip-flop on their advice. Danny realizes DJ is the one he should be talking to. Joey reiterates the point, saying every decision they make could effect the girls for the rest of their lives. Will this guy finally grow up now and stop spitting water around the place?

Danny finds DJ in her room and tells her that she has a big decision to make about the commercial audition. DJ says she wants to do it. Danny stresses that the chances of her getting the part are slim and not to get her hopes up. He says she should only do it for the fun of it but to think about it. DJ stresses she wants to do it. Cut to later in the casting office and DJ gets a large reality check when she sees one of the other young candidates handing out a publicity shot and resume. Stephanie asks if that was a kid or a little tiny grown up. DJ gets cold feet, saying it’s a mistake. She doesn’t even have a resume or picture. Jesse tries to sweet talk the lady at the desk into liking DJ – same shit they do in every episode. She’s not buying it, asks him to leave her picture and resume at the desk like everyone else. Somehow they work this out because…

Cut to DJ’s audition for Olson’s Oat Boats cereal. For some reason, even though there’s no camera rolling, there’s an actual bowl of cereal with milk on the table. I guess they don’t want to risk casting someone who can’t actually perform in front of a real bowl of cereal? But don’t worry, the real reason for this comes into play soon. DJ delivers the corny lines, Jesse applauds wildly and says it was great. The casting director loved it too and says she wants her to stay and do it one more time for Mr. Benten, the guy who makes the final decisions. DJ goes insane with glee. Jesse has to go run outside to put coins in the meter and DJ goes off to do her hair. Stephanie asks if she can have some of the cereal, since DJ did such a good job selling it. Stephanie then inadvertently creates an improvised commercial as she eats it, right as Mr. Benten comes in. Of course! And guess what? He loves it! And she’s now hired for the commercial OF COURSE!

Mr. Benten congratulates Stephanie on becoming the new Oat Boat girl just as Uncle Jesse and DJ walk back in. Stephanie, DJ, and Jesse all wonder what the hell happened and then the sad music comes on. Back at the house Joey is drinking some seaweed-protein-wheat-germ tonic, which he tries to pretend is fine. DJ comes storming in and opens a soda bottle. Danny says he tried to warn her she might not get the part and it probably went to someones relative. Jesse tells Danny that Stephanie got the part. Danny thinks it’s wonderful but he’s very sorry for DJ too. Joey is happy that there’s a bright side – he had nothing to do with it. Steph asks if DJ is mad at her. DJ says of course she isn’t – but she’s not terribly convincing. 

Upstairs Joey is trying to temp Michelle with a hamburger and fries – part two of an odd, and unexplained element involving feeding adult food to the baby. Instead of temping Michelle, he temps himself and proceeds to scarf it down. Danny and Jesse come looking for him while he has a mouth full of burger. He hides the food under Michelle’s stuffed animals. Jesse asks where Michelle got a french fry and he searches and finds the burger and fries. Joey admits that he isn’t Mr. Willpower, he’s Mr. Cholesterol. He scarfs down another bite. Danny points out that Joey should find a happy medium between the healthy and junk. Danny has to leave to go back to work (of course) and asks the guys to keep an eye on DJ and Steph.

Downstairs Stephanie is practicing her commercial with a bowl of Oat Boats. DJ laughs at her every time she does the lines. Stephanie says if she’s doing something wrong that DJ should help her, and asks her again if she’s sure she isn’t mad. DJ says of course she isn’t upset. Stephanie says she thinks she’s jealous. The girls chase each other around the kitchen for the box of cereal, yelling at each other. They rip the box of cereal open tugging on it and Jesse and Joey arrive just in time to break up the fight. They try to make them kiss and make up. It doesn’t work so they split them up. Downstairs in Joey’s room – which is a room again – DJ is furiously peddling away on an exercise bike. The guys come in to talk and DJ says they were right and she was wrong.

Joey says that they strike out at auditions all the time. DJ says they’ve never had a part stolen by their sister though. Jesse says she’s right, and that Stephanie obviously tricked them [Him and DJ] into taking her to the audition just so Stephanie could get the part. Jesse further adds that she used telekinesis to get them out of the room. This approach makes DJ realize she didn’t do it on purpose and she smiles. But she’s still mad at her. So they talk some more.

They ask her whats wrong and she says she is sick of having sisters. It was better when it was just her. Then Stephanie came along and she was so cute. Then Michelle came along and was so cute. Joey asks if she had a problem when she was getting all the attention after the play. They point out that it is great being the oldest. She gets no hand-me-downs, gets to date first, drive first, see an R rated movie first. The best part is she has two little sisters who need her and look up to her and love her. 

Out in the living room, Stephanie is calling the operator to find Mr. Oat or Mr. Oat Boat. She says she can’t do the commercial as it’s tearing the family apart. DJ arrives in time to say she needs to talk to her. Stephanie asks to put them on hold. There’s no reply and Stephanie says the first utterance of how rude – delivered completely as a throwaway line. She says sorry she stole the part, DJ says she knows it wasn’t on purpose. DJ says she was jealous. Stephanie says she’s always jealous of her. That’s why she’s always following her around, because she’s the smartest, prettiest, funnest girl she knows… except when she hates her. The audience awws. DJ says she doesn’t hate her – and says she’s her best friend and Stephanie says that works out great because she’s her best friend too. The audience awws again and claps. The girls go off to practice the script as Jesse and joey watch on.

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