Episode 12: Season One – Our First Promo

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Kimmy Gibbler is back and… so is the garage, even though it was converted to a room for Joey several episodes ago. DJ asks Kimmy if she wants to stay for dinner. Kimmy says it depends on what they are having. DJ says she doesn’t know because Joey is making it. Yet more evidence that Joey is more or less completely useless.

Picture-001Kimmy passes on dinner, but suggests her dog might be interested. Stephanie appears in the garage and wants to join the conversation but DJ gets upset that she’s interrupting her woman-to-woman time with Kimmy. As Stephanie is about to leave there’s a spooky noise that scares her. DJ says she’s overreacting. Gibbler turns to Stephanie and says she looks like the kid in Poltergeist that gets sucked into the TV and says “They’re back”. 

8Although it doesn’t make me laugh, I think this may be the closest the show has come so far at actually being funny. It’s an appropriately timed pop culture reference, Stephanie does kinda look like the kid, and the line was delivered well by Andrea Barber (Kimmy Gibbler). If Joey was in the room he probably would have simply consisted of him calling her Poltersteph in a stupid voice.

Upstairs in the kitchen an escaped mental patient, also known as Joey, is talking with a ridiculous Japanese accent that would make even Mickey Rooney blush. He’s also flipping food around because dinnertime – like everything – is simply a game to Joey. They keep cutting to shots of Michelle smiling, to appease the throngs of old ladies who probably only watched the show to coo at the baby. Jesse walks in and joins in with Joey’s Japanese voices. Joey says some woman named Brianna called and she will meet him at 8PM.

Who is Brianna? Do we even care? Will this information have any impact on the rest of the episode? The answer is of course no. But for the record she’s apparently someone Jesse had exterminated termites for and her thank you is to go on a date with him – or something. I’m not sure if it has been explained – maybe I missed it, but does Jesse actually ever get paid in cash? In the last episode the limo ride was a thank you from one of his extermination clients, too. Are these people that gracious? I think this is just another example of the lazy writing on Full House.

Anyway, dinner is ready and Joey asks for help setting the table. Did someone say all the hard work is done… because at literally that second, as though he’s been hiding behind a door, Danny jumps out and says he has great news. Did he get picked as a hot, up-and-coming stand-up comedian? If so, I hope he knows how to spit water.

Stephanie is glad her dad is home because she’s still scared of whatever it was she heard. Danny reminds everyone that he had great news to share. Everyone has already forgotten because no one even cares. Danny says all the stations are fighting tooth and nail for ratings and that they’re all putting together a promo for the newscasters. And Danny gets to go first. They do remember that Danny is the one who screwed up the big coast-to-coast boxing fight, right? No one in the family cares until he tells them they will all be on TV with him. Anyway, someone is coming to the house the next day to film.

Enough of Danny’s excitement – Joey tells everyone to chow down. They take one bite and hate it and suggest they get food delivered instead. They decide on pizza… Joey tells them what they were eating was pizza. Later that night the weird noise comes back again as the kids are sleeping. Now DJ is scared as well. They agree to sleep together in the same bed. No sooner has Steph jumped into bed with DJ – the sound comes back again.

They run out of the room screaming.

They ask Jesse to go kill the monster since he’s an exterminator. Steph asks if she can sleep with Danny. Jesse can’t find anything, so Danny ends up curled up in DJ’s bed with the two girls. He tells them to get some sleep because they have a big day tomorrow. They fall asleep on him and he can’t move. He ends up sleeping the night in a cramped and uncomfortable position.

The next morning Joey and Jesse are styling Michelle’s hair. Joey naturally thinks a Pebbles Flintstone-do is the way to go. Thankfully, they decide to simply use a bow. Jesse and Joey hear “the monster” – Jesse says its a ferret and yells to it to come out before it becomes another notch in his belt. Joey shows Michelle how she looks in the mirror and asks for $85 before settling for a kiss. There’s a ring at the door and the girls think it might be the director of the promo. It is. She comes in and they take her coat while Jesse is off looking for the monster.

The director, AKA Roni – which she makes a point of saying is short for Veronica – asks where Danny is. DJ explains that he’s been delayed. Roni walks around framing shots with her hands and the girls copy her. Downstairs Jesse is still looking for the ferret and Joey comes down to find out whats going on. Jesse says to catch a ferret you have to become one with it. Joey does an impression of a ferret in an attempt to do just that. Jesse asks Joey if he fell out of a tree as a kid and, of course, Joey says that he he did.

Jesse corners the ferret and wants to catch it but poor Joey can’t stand the thought of that and opens the garage door to set it free. It doesn’t work and the ferret runs up into a crawlspace. Joey stands there giving the ferret cheer-leading directions as Jesse tries to catch it. He moves the ladder so that Jesse is trapped in the crawlspace and makes Jesse promise he won’t kill the ferret when if he catches him. The girls come downstairs with Roni and, of course, find Joey and Jesse in a stupid position. When Roni sees what the Tanner family looks like as a whole she says “I’m in trouble”.

Danny eventually comes home and finds out that Roni has basically restyled his family. Joey won’t be on TV (honestly a wise move) he will be holding the cue cards. Roni is going to sell the family with style and sophistication. Like anyone at home gives a fuck anyway. They do a dry run with Danny. He comes through the door and says, “ciao family”. They’re apparently Italian now, and even have a dog called Da Vinci that comes bounding into the living room and sits on Danny’s lap. The girls come out with violins and dressed like they’re from several centuries prior.

Danny even has a housekeeper, Jesse, who comes out talking with a terrible British accent and offers everyone tea. The whole thing is obviously stupid looking even to the Tanner family. Roni says they need to focus. Next up is Michelle, who has been recast as an adopted Asian child. Roni says the real Michelle wasn’t right for the part. Well, honestly, as crazy as this lady is, she made at least two good decisions. Danny is upset by this of course – he hates the concept and reinvents the promo himself. He says he’s proud of his family and wants his kids to be played by his kids. Danny decides to direct and Roni gets demoted to holding the cue cards. I guess Danny has the power to do that…?

We cut to some time later, the family is gathered around the TV watching the incredibly corny promo. Danny shows the viewers his stairs and then his slacks and his children – none of which are interesting. I was hoping he would make the cameraman zoom in on Stephanie’s feet, but he doesn’t. The kids pitch the news and tell everyone to watch their dad. They then walk across the hallway and introduce Michelle, Joey and Jesse. Jesse makes Michelle kind-of sing La Bamba and then Danny talks about how he’s a single dad and the guys help take care of his kids. Who. Gives. A. Fuck!

He introduces everyone in the family, as though anyone at home watching would care in the slightest. Joey does the baby voice when Michelle is on TV and everyone laughs their heads off. They’re so in love with themselves. They run into the kitchen for ice cream and then the ferret sound appears one more time. Jesse runs after the ferret and finds it. Jesse keeps his promise and doesn’t kill it. They take it into the kitchen to show the girls but the episode ends before we see their reaction.

So was the promo a success? We never find out. I guess it’s assumed that Danny’s freak-show of a family was just what viewers wanted to see. The ratings war is over and the network and people of San Francisco love him. No, they love The Tanners. And sadly, that’s the actual reality of the situation. This show ran for 8 seasons because people loved The Tanners.

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