Danny is excited because tonight is his big break. Cable TV. Coast to coast. None of that local San Francisco crap. Danny has hit the big time. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that Danny is not ready for the big leagues. Apparently the big fight Danny is covering will be seen by 20 million people. That’s at least 19,999,995 more people than I think Danny is qualified to speak in front of.
We cut to Jesse who is wearing glasses to show that he’s really a genuine song writer, I guess. He is working on a new song and not surprisingly it is very generic. Not only that he has even subliminally used the tune to On Top of Old Smokey to accompany his lyrics. It’s Danny who realizes it and to rub it in he sings his point. Jesse misattributes, “It don’t come easy” to Beethoven in regards to writing music. It’s another lame joke that really shows the almost impossibly multilayered-stupidity of Jesse.
Joey is hyped for the boxing event – punching his way into the living room with oven mitts as gloves. As far as Joey’s antics go, this is pretty tame. His mannequin is once again wearing a matching shirt, though. Joey says he is proud of Danny and how far he has come with his sports casting dream. Like, he really stresses it so we know it’s going to really sting hard when Danny inevitably fucks things up.
The kids come running down the stairs and they have gifts – a tie and some odd piece of junk that Stephanie made. They ask Danny to guess what the gifts are, but Stephanie accidentally spoils the surprise. Stephanie made Danny a tie tack and he’s very excited. It occurs to me that I’m 31 and I have never even heard of a tie tack before. I’ve lived a trite and meaningless life.
I thought I had this episode all worked out. I figured Danny would be too afraid or forget to wear the tie tack on TV, hurting Stephanie’s feelings. But, I was way off – more on that later though. Jesse finally has the killer tune to accompany his awful lyrics. This time he accidentally uses the tune for This Land is Your Land. The entire family realizes, and sings the tune. It would seem Jesse is the least qualified person to write songs out of the whole family.
The family is pumped because Danny is about to be on TV. Jesse grabs some snacks, but the obnoxious girls keep demanding he grab more and more things. Again, it’s supposed to be funny as Jesse frantically runs around the kitchen grabbing ice cream, licorice, soda, fruit, and a plethora of other odd items – some of which were clearly empty containers.
It isn’t funny.
I found it incredibly stressful to watch and Stamos almost slips on his heeled shoes at one point. Once Jesse has made it to the top of the stairs with the dozen requested items the girls say they would rather watch TV downstairs. When Jesse says fuck that noise, they have the audacity to say he has a bad attitude. Full House: successfully teaching children to be obnoxious assholes one episode at a time.
Michelle has a cough and based on previous episodes we might expect Jesse’s remedy to involve yelling at her to shut up. Surprisingly, this episode marks a turning point, as both guys actually have their shit together for once. They take Michelle downstairs with them to keep an eye on her while they watch Danny. Danny’s big break starts off as awkwardly as you might expect. Danny has somehow placed himself between a practicing boxer and his coach, so that it becomes almost impossible for him to deliver his intro. He looks like the unprofessional, unprepared buffoon that he is.
We meet the boxer Reggie “The Sandman” Martin, who is on the comeback trail. Whether he took The Sandman Express to get here isn’t confirmed. He plays a cliched boxing type who is full of the thirst to obliterate someone with his fists. Danny’s first question is to ask why the boxer is staging a comeback when he already has a lot of money. He’s been retired for two years, you see. His coach, some stereotypically New Yorker, answers his question for him.
Danny inadvertently shows his tie tack, leading Reggie to ask him what the hell it is. Danny then allows himself to break away from the story to concentrate on his family and the gifts they gave him. It’s a sweet fatherly gesture, sure, but it isn’t very professional.
It becomes apparent that Reggie’s coach is an overbearing control freak who hasn’t allowed Reggie to see his wife in three months. Danny says he thinks it’s great that Reggie still feels so strongly for his wife… considering. Reggie starts to lose his shit, wondering just what Danny is implying by the word considering. Danny has accidentally revealed that Reggie’s wife has moved out on him. It doesn’t seem like a likely scenario.
Although she hasn’t seen him in three months, Reggie stands to make six-million for the fight… and he just came off a two year retirement. Somehow I don’t believe that the wife of a professional athlete couldn’t wait a few months. Anyway, this is all news to Reggie and it devastates him. He’s unable to fight now and Danny’s sports casting goes from bad to worse.
The family is kind of stunned and Danny feels sorry for himself and the shitty job he did. Michelle’s cough comes back so Joey calls a doctor. You read that correctly – he does the most sensible thing he could have done. The doctor suggests they give her a rectal thermometer to check her temperature. They’re not thrilled about it, but they don’t freak out like children either.
It turns out Michelle has a cold. Michelle gives a high five and the audience awwwws. They try to give Michelle her medicine in a spoon. Again, I half expected Joey to put it in his mouth and spit it at her. The guys feed Michelle and then everyone gathers around the TV to hear that Reggie has been KOd.
Danny believes that no blame should be placed but everyone else feels otherwise and he is bombarded by reporters who want the scoop on how he feels. A crazed Reggie is taken through the commotion, screaming that he wants to take down Danny Tanner. Don’t we all, Reggie! Danny decides he needs to go apologize to Reggie, the whole thing is still being broadcast live by the way.
Reggie says it’s not Danny’s fault and he’s glad someone had the guts to tell him the truth. He asks if he knows why she left. Danny says its probably because he was gone for 3 months. Reggie fires his coach. The coach tries to punch Danny in the gut but he is saved by the tie tack that Steph made.
The girls go to bed and the guys try to get the medicine down Michelle’s throat. Just the sight of a spoon going near her mouth is enough to make some of the audience laugh. Danny comes home and collapses from the failure of the night. He says he knows he stunk. Joey says don’t worry Michelle is fine, Danny freaks out and runs upstairs. Danny takes Michelle from Jesse, who is clearly starting to bond hard with her.
The guys dazzle Danny with their ability to answer everything and take care of everything. Danny finally gives them a compliment and thanks them. The guys both come down with a cold also. Danny realizes that he doesn’t care about how bad his interview went tonight because he has his family. The family doesn’t even sugarcoat it, telling him he was indeed terrible.
Joey gives Danny a corny speech about never giving up and tells him that he’s a good reporter and that he will have another chance. Realistically, he wouldn’t – but whatever. Danny feels better and then the guys discuss their favorite part of his awful interview.
Rating: 1/5 – Have Mercy
First, I’d like to point out that the intro to Full House is a good minute and a half long. I remember later on they chop the hell out of it, at least for syndication, but they sure had some extra time to waste in the 80s. Compare that to the Breaking Bad intro which is about 8 seconds long – man they just pissed away advertising money back in the day.
Another garbage episode with a really implausible main plot interwoven with a plot involving Joey and Jesse making progress. The girls don’t really have anything to work with here and their one main scene involves giving their father gifts. Reggie is a fool – I don’t feel sorry for him at all. Danny, also, way above his head – screwing up was inevitable.Episode 07: Season One – Knock Yourself Out,