Episode 06: Season One – Daddy’s Home

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We start in the Tanner living room, DJ puts Michelle in the crib and Danny emerges from his alcove wearing a ridiculous outfit. That much is expected, but the big surprise comes from the fact that his mannequin isn’t wearing a matching copy. Is this twin clothing gimmick officially dead or did they just forget? Only time will tell.

The family is getting ready to go to Stephanie’s ballet recital. Stephanie comes dancing into the room and there’s an odd audio moment that sounds like someone started to clap before realizing no one else was. It’s the first solid indicator that the people they select for the studio audience really have no concept of how to behave when they see and hear otherwise normal things.

DJ and Joey tell Stephanie she needs to take things easy, as she’s been practicing for three days straight. Danny comes home and comments on editing a boring piece on the greatest moments in bowling. DJ is excited about going with her dad to 50% off sale at the fashion mall. Jesse enters and the audience woos, because he’s not disgusting like Joey. He bemoans having to attend a “Munchkin ballet” and the audience laughs way too much.

There’s a knock at the door and it’s another hot broad here to see Jesse and she’s very excited to see him. Like, I can’t imagine a dog being this excited to see me.

After charging into the living room and passionately smooching, Jesse realizes perhaps an introduction might be in order. He says they’ll never guess where he met her. Joey can’t believe the luck Jesse has, meeting this exotic Italian girl through his devil-may-care, jet-setting lifestyle. Michelle makes a noise and Danny lifts her out of the crib and tries to get her to talk. So far this is a very boring episode.

You can see Joey is trying his hardest not to make a stupid voice, but he caves a few seconds later with another unnecessary baby impression. The phone rings and Danny finds out that the station wants him to cover the Game of the Week. Danny is super excited, but the look of disappointment on DJ and Steph’s face makes him remember he has kids, and one of them has a recital today. Danny’s job wins out and the kids take it rather well, even though DJ will also miss out on her shopping spree.

We cut to Jesse and his girlfriend Adriana smooching in the garage. Joey walks straight in to talk because nobody in this family knows about, much less respects, personal boundaries. Joey realizes he needs to make some changes in his life, if he’s ever going to nab a cutie like Jesse’s girl. Oh how wishes he had Jesse’s girl. Where can he find a woman like that? I mean, he’s been funny, he’s been cool with the lines. Granted, the lines have all been from Scooby Doo but women dig cartoons, right? Joey presses Jesse for tips on how to be as cool as him. It’s a talk that could probably wait a couple of hours – or at least until his mouth wasn’t having more fun elsewhere.

We cut to later on in the day and Adriana and Jesse are feeding each other strawberries on the couch. The theory, I assume, is that someone is going to barge in on them regardless of where they are so they may as well do it in an area that gets air-conditioning. It’s at this moment that Danny bursts through the front door frantically wanting to know how Stephanie’s recital was. Jesse summarizes it in several words and it doesn’t occur to Danny that he owns a video camera and someone could have at least recorded the whole thing. Danny, feeling bad about missing Steph’s big moment, says he can at least take the girls shopping. Unfortunately Jesse already took care of that as well.

Adriana has had enough of being in the middle of every single fucking family crisis these freaks have and decides to go wait for Jesse at the hotel room. And even Danny can’t resist a deep stare at her sweet, sweet can. She pulls out a tiny bag and tells Jesse she can’t wait to model the new skimpy outfit he purchased for her.

From that wonderful mental image we move to DJ, who is ready to model some clothing of her own. For some reason DJ is dressed like some dirty little London street urchin or a frumpy paper girl or something. It’s an incredibly odd outfit, so I can’t wait to see how ridiculous the other girls look. One thing is for certain, if Michelle got clothing the audience is going to lose their fucking marbles.

Stephanie comes out and her dress looks pretty normal – disappointing, as I was hoping for something as baffling as the pile of rags DJ got stuck with. I still have hope for Michelle… but her outfit is about as average as it gets. Well fuck. The audience still went pretty crazy, though. Danny feels way too sorry for himself, declaring he missed out on a really special day.

It’s about to get a whole lot more… special, as Joey has also purchased some clothing of his own. He’s wearing leather, basically a clone of Jesse. The audience thinks it’s hilarious of course. Michelle calls Jesse dada, and Danny probably thinks it’s all because he missed one day. Michelle also thinks Joey is daddy. Also not a surprise. She doesn’t think Danny is her dad though. Cue the sad music.

Danny is determined to be a better father so he’s gonna take all the girls out for a Daddy Daughter Day. Just one day, though – they’re still fucked the other 364 days. Jesse takes Joey for a motorcycle ride to try to macho him up. Joey now has the look and the attitude he just needs a bike of his own. Jesse let’s Joey take his bike out on his own, as though it’s really going to help anyone.

We cut to Danny who is recording every square inch of Stephanie’s body, up close, while she sleeps. Stephanie wakes up and asks him point blank why he’s making a foot movie. Why indeed, Danny. Captain Creepo admits he wants to preserve every second of their lives. I’m not going to pretend I haven’t taken occasional pictures of my son sleeping… but at least I don’t have a foot fetish.

He has another exciting revelation, they’re having another Daddy Daughter Day. He says they can do whatever they want to do, which they suggest a cruise around the bay, and horseback-riding, and a shopping spree for TV’s and mopeds. You know, typical stuff.

It turns out Joey has taken the bike a little further than around the block. It’s the next day and he’s still not back. When Jesse demands he return the bike, Joey tells him to chill out and hangs up the phone. Several hours later, Joey returns the bike and has to suffer Jesse’s wrath. The girls and dad return home from their fun day out at the same time.

Joey tells Jesse he was possessed by his spirit. While riding the hog he ran into a hot woman, who he tossed on the back of the bike, and said have mercy. Jesse is impressed. Joey says he took her to Vegas, was up 14K, got married, hopped on a private jet to NY, produced a revival of Porky and Bess for Broadway. It’s at this point that Joey suspects that Jesse doesn’t believe a word of his story – probably the least believable story ever told – so he decides to tell the truth.

The truth isn’t much better. He admits he really met a girl nearby and he played Monopoly with her, and then fell asleep on her couch. It doesn’t really explain anything and in fact opens up some pretty stupid plot holes. Jesse isn’t mad and Joey comes to terms with the fact that he is Joey and he’s perfectly okay with it. He goes upstairs to take a bubble bath and we cut to the girls’ bedroom. Steph mentions how much she loved Daddy Daughter Day, and Danny reminds her that it’s back to the normal schedule of never seeing him starting tomorrow.

She’s upset. DJ says it was one of the best days of her life but Danny doesn’t believe it. It’s obvious that DJ is upset too. Uh oh, here comes a Special Moment. I can feel it. DJ pours her heart out. She admits that it is hard for her being so strong for her little sister. That it upset her that she couldn’t go shopping with him earlier, but she couldn’t say that, lest she upset Stephanie even more.

Danny says she doesn’t have to bottle anything up. DJ says the day was so much fun, but she was sad because she knew it would end. Danny says he feels the same. They both cry, but the show touches on a real issue all across the world – kids who never see their parents. And the show finally really acknowledges the fact that Danny is virtually never around.

Danny goes to say goodnight to Michelle so calls out dada as he calls the door. Unlike the episode of The Simpsons where Maggie says the same thing in almost the exact same set up, Danny hears this and is excited.

Rating: 2/5 – Cut. It. Out.

Another episode with a legitimate theme that should have been explored a lot better than the way it was. Probably the biggest problem this family faces is the fact that Danny Tanner is never home. I’m not exactly sure how many hats this guy wears at Channel 8 News but he’s editing videos in this episode and sportscasting in the next. Channel 8 might want to loosen up that budget. It all adds up to him never being around, and although they acknowledge this, we never see a real solution.

The fact that Joey was gone for over 24 hours and managed to play part of a game of Monopoly before falling asleep on some girl’s couch sounds about right. Everyone knows Joey’s idea of foreplay is Tom & Jerry, not some yawn-fest board-game.

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