Episode 05: Season One – Sea Cruise

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I’m salivating just from the title of this episode because sitcom episodes that take place on cruises are always awful. I can’t imagine they’re going on a cruise the week after school starts, so it will be interesting to see what kind of cruise this actually is.

We start off with Jesse trying to write a song and it’s obvious you won’t hear anything he writes on top-40 radio. Joey enters the room, and Jesse asks him for help with a word that rhymes with Lamborghini, to which Joey suggests Cecil and Beany. I didn’t even know what this was a reference to until I looked it up. Also, that’s not a word. The audience thinks it’s very funny – but it’s important to remember the audience is either a laugh track or mentally impaired.

We cut to Danny who is recording Michelle’s earliest steps on his giant video camera. Michelle tries to make a run for the kitchen and the audience absolutely loses their shit. I think I’m missing something here. Joey finds a way to get some attention of his own – using his weird baby voice to proclaim Michelle as… RoboBaby. Oookay. How difficult was it to make people laugh in the 80s? Was it simply a matter of combining two random things they might have heard of? Seemingly because, again, the audience thinks this is comedy gold.

The two non-cyborg girls run down stairs dressed as bees and Stephanie launches into a bunch of really bad bee puns. Danny asks DJ how it feels to finally be retiring as Queen Bee, to which she replies it’s great. I can bee-lieve it. Steph gives us another awful bee pun. Danny then torments the children by making them do the Secret Honey Bee Hello. It’s very stupid but the brain dead audience loves it.

Steph gives us one more stupid bee pun for the road and they leave for grandma’s house, taking Michelle with them. You might think Danny would keep Michelle but remember he really doesn’t want to deal with his baby. The men find themselves without the children for once, or in the case of Danny, as usual.

Danny says he misses his children before amending his earlier comment to say that he doesn’t. It’s played for laughs but its probably true. So the guys must decide what they’re going to do with the day. Joey suggests a Three Stooges Festival, because the girls there don’t mind if you poke them in the eye. I can only imagine how horrific Joey’s idea of courting ladies is. Jesse suggests they travel up to Tahoe for a Marilyn Monroe look-alike contest – but that too is immediately shot down by Danny.

Danny decides they’ve never had a guys’ night out together and they should go have some male bonding. Jesse and Joey aren’t so keen on it so Danny goes straight for some top shelf, premium-grade guilt-trip material. He brings up the fact that his wife died only five months ago. What a fucking jackass. He then immediately applies another coat of guilt adding that his misery shouldn’t stop them from going out and having fun. It works, obviously, because no one can argue with a guy with a dead wife, and Danny laughs knowing he won.

I am sure a guy in Danny’s situation would miss his wife but this is such blatant emotional manipulation that it’s really not funny. The guy’s decide they’re gonna go fishing but before they can leave the phone rings. It’s Roxanna, one of Jesse’s ex-girlfriends. It’s a funny reminder of a time when everyone pretty much just had one main phone and it might literally be anyone calling for anybody when it rang. She’s apparently a big star star now and by that I mean she’s not still playing gigs in her living room.

She wants to hang out tonight, but Danny reminds Jesse that he can’t because he already agreed to hang out with him. Jesse tells the girl he can’t go out, which is all because of Danny’s manipulation. Danny, you’re a goddamned pansy and a major cockblock.

So we cut to the boat and Danny is excited for a night of Men Doing Manly Things… or something. I can’t think of three guys who are less manly than this trio – in particular Danny, who is virtually asexual in my eyes. Let’s not forget Joey, either – an eight-year-old trapped in a much older body. Danny is stunned to find out a woman will be at the helm of his Manly Night of Fishing and Other Manly Things. He was expecting her father, who has apparently retired.

The estrogen levels are about to go sky-high when Roxanna appears on the boat with her two backup singers. Weird, I don’t recall Jesse giving her the exact location he would be at. In fact, I recall him being extremely vague – but nobody questioned things in the 80s. The fact is, Roxanna is here and she’s ready to party. Sorry, Danny – you’re now outnumbered 4-3. And that’s if we credit any of them as being men… and I don’t.

Roxanna wants to get down 80s style. Hell, even Joey wants to take a stab at having some sort of relations with a member or two of the opposite sex. Danny, however, simple wants the sausage night he signed up for. Danny lets the guys hang with the girls for a little while, but he remembers he has a dead wife, so he drags them away to fish with him. Fucking self centered asshole.

Danny asks Jesse which rod he wants. Jesse answers honestly that he really doesn’t give a fuck. Danny does not take the hint. So Jesse takes a rod and goes to talk to Roxanna, they reminisce, and then kiss. It’s at this time that Joey and Danny decide to come over and sing part of the theme to The Love Boat, interrupting their moment. The other two women alert Joey to the fact that they’re out of champagne. Joey, the ladies’ man that he is, suggests a… ménage à fish. Easy there, Troy McClure.

One of them says she would need a lot more champagne for that… which is… surprisingly to say the least. Joey tries to talk sexy, but his choice of words makes the girls want to hurl instead. Danny is somehow doing pretty well, but he’s too much of a moron to realize this lady is at least somewhat interested in him. Danny is more interested in teaching Joey to fish, a skill I doubt he would actually possess. It’s definitely a skill Joey doesn’t possess, because his attempt at casting results in him throwing the entire rod off the boat.

We cut to commercial and when we come back everyone but Danny has caught a fish. He can’t believe it, but I am not at all surprised because he completely useless. Even the backup singers have caught five fucking fish. They’re actually using bait, though while Danny has been trying to guilt the fish onto his hook by telling them his wife died.

Danny ruins another chance at getting close to the captain of the boat, and agrees with a paranoid conspiracy about the fish purposely avoiding his line. Jesse and his squeeze talk about how they wish they could see more of each other. We find out she used to be part of Jesse’s band, or perhaps we knew that earlier. I don’t really care. We definitely find out the first song she sang in the band was Rockin’ Robin, which she starts singing, which in turn makes everyone start singing.

When someone in a sitcom sings, everyone sings – it’s works like a trigger word from a hypnotist. It doesn’t matter where they are or what the song is, everyone knows it and everyone drops what they’re doing and joins in at the same time. But this is Full House so Jesse suggests some wacky choreography, and they start tossing fish and flapping their wings as they sing. The song ends and everyone applauds themselves like narcissistic assholes. Danny finally hooks a fish but it pulls him into the water so Joey and Jesse jump in after him.

It’s the next morning in the Tanner kitchen and all of the women are there too. Joey is serving everyone his fish and really rubbing it in. The most surprising thing is not that he caught fish. No, the most surprisingly thing is that he’s not talking like one of the fucking Snorks while he serves them. That’s just the type of obnoxious idiot he is.

We learn that the fish that pulled Danny into the water was actually a Michelin radial. The girls all leave, and one of them tells Joey that hanging out with him “actually bordered on fun”. He does at least get a couple of kisses before they leave, but methinks he would rather poke one of their eyes out. Jesse says his inevitable goodbye to Roxanna but she suggests he join her on the road.

Jesse assumes she means join her in the band, but she points out she purely wants, you know, his company – I assume as her boyfriend. This offends Jesse greatly, because he’s a fucking moron. He is undone by his male pride and his grandiose delusions of just how much he has going for him. He can’t accept the idea of following her around, despite the fact that he clearly wants her otherwise.

The skipper clearly wants to see more of Danny, but he has a dead wife so he’s clearly going to freak out over her subtle advances. Instead of explaining the situation like a normal human, Danny says his whole time with her was a big mistake and she shouldn’t be here. And that’s almost verbatim. Who is this guy? RoboDanny?! Dead wife or not, that’s a a harsh way to tell someone no thank you.

Jesse and Danny lead their woman to the door, but Joey, who has been creepily watching each couple I their intimate moment the entire time, intervenes. Joey takes them both into the kitchen and asks what the hell is wrong with them. Joey only knows relationships through cartoons, so he doesn’t really understand how complex and multilayered real emotions can be.

They both tell Joey to blow off, but Joey isn’t going to just stand there like the mannequin he dresses to resemble him every morning. He calls Jesse out for being jealous of Roxanna’s success. Jesse admits that he is and that he knows his band sucks… and reveals that he is 24 and half. Holy shit, really? He looks way older. Like all 24-year-olds he wonders why life hasn’t worked out perfectly yet. Joey says he can relate, he feels the same way when he sees Alf. I… wow.

He asks Danny why he is so upset with Caroline. Danny is upset because he do have feelings for this woman. Joey says he knows how tough things have been for Danny. This is the same guy who couldn’t even be bothered cleaning up his own mess in the last episode, mind you. He reminds Danny that life is a struggle but people can help you get through the tough times. Just as like as they don’t have to do the dishes, right JoJo?

Jesse rightfully calls Joey on the fact that he spends most of his time making armpit-fart noises and should they honestly be listening to him? Joey then admits that everything he said was spoken by Scrappy Doo in a cartoon last week and everyone laughs way too much.

Danny apologizes to Caroline and explains that his dead wife gets in the way of dating but he would like to be friends. She says that would be great and Joey peeks his head around the corner like a fucking creepy pervert. We then cut to Jesse and Roxanna where we assume the same scene will happen complete with creepy Joey… and of course it does. Hey, Joey – it is obvious you want to play match maker but sticking around to watch the fruits of your labor makes you some sort of creepy soft-core voyeur! Jesse and Roxanna decide to remain friends and the girls return from their time with grandma.

Rating: 1/5 – Have Mercy!


The show is called Full House for a reason – the show works mostly when they have multiple characters to cut to. And by “works” I mean, works by Full House standards. I would never suggest this show actually succeeds on any normal level. But without the girls, the show feels empty. We’re also away from the house for most of the episode and a lot of the screen time is taken up by new, boring characters. So things kind of feel off. None of the big scenes work very well.

It’s another example of Full House covering a real subject, but utterly failing to present it well. Danny has a ten or eleven-year-old daughter, meaning he was with his deceased wife at least that long. She has only been dead for five months. He is bound to be full of a lot of genuine emotions, even ones strong enough to cause him to fly off the handle and just flat out ask a nice lady to leave. The execution of the scenario in this episode is still terrible, though.

It’s more a case of the writer needing to make sure this character leaves and leaves for good.

Jealously. Manipulation. Voyeurism. This house has it all.

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