Episode 04: Season One – The Return of Grandma

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The episode starts off with Joey entering the living room carrying a bunch of pots filled with cereal and large wooden spoons, ready to watch cartoons with the kids. Why not actual bowls and proper spoons? Oh, you’ll see. Steph wants to watch Bugs Bunny, but Joey says it’s kids stuff and he’d rather watch Yogi Bear. He’s serious, too. Joey explains that every episode of Bugs Bunny is the same, essentially, you guessed it, just an excuse for him to launch into his cartoon impressions. He does a bunch of voices and Stephanie points out that Yogi Bear is just as formulaic.

Anyway, Danny comes down stairs and comments on the fact that everyone is eating out of pots. He takes Joey into the kitchen and realizes that Joey hasn’t done the dishes this week, even though it was his turn. Why this is a surprise, I’m not sure. There’s clearly days worth of dishes built up and I find it hard to believe no one saw this coming several moons ago.

It’s at that moment that Uncle Jessie comes out of hiding, just in time for a tongue lashing of his own. It turns out Jesse was supposed to be taking care of the laundry, but he didn’t and Danny is pissed. Hmm, hey Danny, maybe neither of them had time for chores because they’re busy raising your three girls? Anyway, it’s time for another one of Jesse’s stories, and if his other tales are any indication of where we’re headed, it’s either going to be weird or sexually explicit.

So alright, it is no coincidence by now, nobody on the writing staff here knows how to have a character tell a story. This is like the third or fourth story that is sounds like a Mad Lib. Stories on Full House all sound like the kind of stories children tell when they make them up as they go along. They move from one unrelated subject to the next with no regard for plausibility or continuity.

Anyway, the gist of it is he was playing with his band in Chinatown and his motorcycle stops, and he almost gets run over by a street cleaner, but he doesn’t… and he ultimately ends up with a live turtle that he has named Bubba. Now the men must hide the turtle because they know the girls are going to want to keep it. I’m not entirely sure why, though – it already has a fucking name and it’s pretty obvious Jesse wants to keep it anyway. Joey hides the turtle under a pot because… he loves pots.

Let’s take a moment to take a look at how many things Joey has used a pot for in just four episodes:

  • He places Michelle in a pot while he changes her (Pilot / Episode 1)
  • He eats cereal out of a pot (Episode 4)
  • He hides a turtle under a pot (Episode 4)

Alright… I could have sworn there were a lot more things.

The kids enter the kitchen and it doesn’t take long for them to notice that the pot is moving. Danny tries to cover by saying it’s dinner, which, would probably freak out anyone who isn’t part of The Addams Family. DJ gets curious and lifts the pot, only to discover it isn’t the roast beef her father claimed it was, but in fact a turtle. The girls promise they’ll help take care of it if Danny lets them keep it but he isn’t sure they’re ready for the responsibility.

It’s at this moment that Steph reveals that grandma is coming to visit, which freaks Danny out big time. Danny is mildly frustrated that Stephanie failed to tell him this important information. He’s about to become even more annoyed, however, when he finds out Joey also knew, and didn’t alert him for the same ridiculous reason as his five year old daughter. The reason? No one specifically asked him if she was randomly coming.

Danny starts to panic because he knows his mom thinks he can’t take care of things and frankly I agree with her. Danny wants to prove he can take care of things himself… which means he desperately needs the help of other people. So they split up duties – Joey does dishes, Jessie does the clothes, and Danny does the floor. Only problem? They’re out of dish soap… and detergent… and floor cleaner. Well, that’s… unlikely.

Cut to later on and my suspicion that Joey is dressing a mannequin up in the exact same clothes that he is wearing is confirmed. This guy is a fucking nut.

The house looks like a disaster zone but all Joey can think about is watching more Yogi. The family readies the supplies for Michelle so they can take her to the store… but somehow manages to forget Michelle. It’s T-Minus 5 hours before mom comes. Danny splits the cleaning duties up while the girls play with a turtle. Grandma arrives earlier than expected to find a turtle sleeping in Michelle’s crib.

It turns out Joey got the time wrong, it was 12:05 not 5:12. Joey’s has another confession… he’s a time-dyslexic. That on top of being a congaholic and a shitty comedian? Now that Danny’s mom is here, Joey and Jesse make a break for it assuming she can clean everything up for them. Yeah, like, seriously. They try to play it off real cool like but can you imagine being that fucking rude? Worse, the guys come back several hours later, smug, and surprised that the house still looks like shit.

Danny tells them his mom doesn’t want to clean up the mess. At this point Joey and Jesse are still playing hardball, even though they’re just as responsible for the mess as anyone else – certainly more than his mom. And in Joey’s case, I would wager a good 60% of this garbage is his. In a plot twist so dumb I couldn’t have possibly seen it coming, Danny’s mom has called Joey and Jesse’s moms and they’re here to help.

Jesse’s mom tells an embarrassing story about when he was 8, but Jesse’s family just can’t hold a candle to Joey and his mom. In a much welcomed return to ridiculous form Joey decides to vacuum the floor. Not with an actual vacuum, though – he uses his body – or to be precise his mom does. Joey puts his hands in roller-skates and makes a vacuum sound with his mouth… while his mom pushes him around by his feet.

Holy shit what the fuck is up with this family?

The rest of the room watches on in disbelief, until Danny’s mom breaks up the moment. I’ll admit I wasn’t even sure if Joey’s mom would recognize her behavior as strange or if the character would also have Joey’s childlike naivety. Thankfully, she does appear to realize it was not the time or place… or at least time. It turns out the moms realize that one of them can come help out every day of the week.

Faced with that awful scenario the men realize they need to step it up or their moms are going to be around all the time. They send the moms off, promising the place will be clean when they return.

It turns out the girls have lost the turtle, which is pretty bad timing because they have a house to clean. They turn the house upside down looking for the turtle so by the time the moms come home absolutely no cleaning was done. The kids apologize, but the grown ups aren’t mad that they lost the turtle. Danny explains he knows it was an accident, and the guys explain they’ll always be there for the girls.

The guys beg their moms for another chance to clean.

I Feel Good plays while Jesse and Danny simultaneously clean and dance around the living room like morons – and they’re soon joined by King Moron, aka Joey. The whole dance routine borrows every single white person dance move there is so, really, no genuinely dancing. It’s a lot of strutting, lethargic butt shaking, and silly faces. It’s very painful to watch and looks like it was probably incredibly embarrassing to perform.

The house is cleaned with seconds to spare and the moms are impressed enough to back the fuck off. That is, of course, until the maid that they secretly had helping them just randomly opens the door and says the bank is closed, and can she please be paid in cash instead. Sprung!

side rant

The way the maid just walks in to the house really bothers me. Who just walks into someone’s house like that? Here’s something that TV characters never seem to respect. Once you’ve say, collected a check for cleaning a house, and you’ve left the house – you can’t just walk back inside several hours later. You need to be invited in. It can even be five minutes later, or even five seconds. If you’re on the outside – you knock and stay there until someone says come in. Why the hell am I over-analyzing this show? I’m the one with the problem. This is a 1800 word cry for help!

end rant

The moms aren’t surprised, or disappointed, and everyone hugs, and then suddenly the missing turtle rides into the kitchen on top of a skateboard. And… wait… oh whatever. Somehow Stephanie found it, I guess – well, that was convenient. Being a writer on Full House sounds like the easiest job in the fucking world. I probably could have written a season worth of scripts in a week. That’s about three episodes a day!

Rating: 2/5 – Cut. It. Out.

Let’s talk about Joey.

I hate this man so much. I find it impossible to view his potential talents objectively, but… people young and old genuinely loved his voices back in the day? I can’t remember what I ever thought of Joey when I was younger. I wish I did. But as an adult, there’s something about the way he does voices that makes him come across as a pompous attention whore.

My feelings towards his voices can be best summed up by a line in So I Married an Axe Murderer when he calls out Colonel Sanders for having a smug look on his face and a cocky view towards his addictive chicken. That’s how I feel about Joey. “Oh, you’re going to laugh at my Scooby Doo voices. Oooooh!” Like if I worked with this guy, and he was always randomly injecting cartoon voices into conversations I would think he was either mental or just an asshole.

That said, his antics in this episode were some of the best so far. The scene where he vacuums the floor with his mouth? Classic. The fact that he suffers from Time-Dyslexia? It’s not funny at all, but as far as character development goes, the writers are building one hell of an irredeemable mess. And I loooove it.

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