two men and a baby

Episode 02: Season One – The First Night

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Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

The episode starts off with Joey and Jesse changing Michelle’s diaper – because they didn’t milk the shit out of that situation in the last episode. Jesse proudly announces that they have beaten their previous best record – changing the diaper in… A whopping 17 minutes. I assume this is supposed to show how far they’ve come since their last miserable attempt… but all I can focus on is how pathetic that is. Joey has an idea to wrap Michelle in three diapers so they don’t have to change her as often.

Now, anyone with a brain will question how on Earth this makes sense but let’s remember these are the guys who placed her in a pot and spat soda on her in the last episode. Joey, you tool, if Michelle fills up the first diaper it doesn’t matter how many other diapers are strapped to her ass. The old diaper doesn’t just wither away, falling to the ground like one of the rose petals in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. It stays there and so does the piss and shit contained within. I can only imagine Joey also wears seven pairs of underwear so he only needs to change his underpants once a week.

The diapers hang awkwardly off Michelle, and must be contained within an outfit, which they haphazardly tie around her body as though they’re dealing with anything but a living, breathing baby. It doesn’t work, but instead of going back to the drawing board they wrap another outfit around the top of her body. What we’re left with is basically a pile of rags with an Olsen sticking its ugly head out. It is worth noting this is a fashion style Mary-Kate would adopt for real later on in life.

The humble origins of Hobo Chic.

Danny walks in and the two morons proudly trumpet their achievement – thankfully sans Joey’s actual trumpet sounds. Instead of being horrified, Danny finds it quite comical and makes a joke about Tarzan that the stupid audience eats up – almost as much as Bob Saget himself. Joey holds Michelle to his face and makes that chipmunk kind of voice of his; delivering a dumb little speech as though it’s Michelle talking. The two nitwits then leave Danny with Michelle and we cut to Jesse hanging an Elvis poster on his wall. This upsets Stephanie because he has placed it over some of the pink bunnies that cover the entire room. It is starting to become apparent why the rent here is free. Jesse and Joey can’t do anything here.

Danny enters and tells Steph it is time for bed. This is far too normal an approach for Joey, who is trolling the hallways looking for an opportunity to be an assclown. He doesn’t waste a second, either. He comes crawling into the bedroom on his hands and knees huffing and puffing through a fucking harmonica. Good idea, Joey, that’s sure to get Stephanie all mellow in time for bed. Joey crawls his way to DJ and Steph’s room and reminds them both that his ‘Sandman Express’ runs every night. Stephanie begs for a bedtime story and Joey has another winning idea: all three men should take turns telling part of the story.

Danny starts off and his story is not surprisingly uncreative and boring. So they cut to Joey who half-asses something about being in a 7-11, which is just an excuse to do an impression of Bullwinkle. In a moment that restores a little of my faith in this show, the children don’t find this funny at all. In fact, they look at each other as though this guy is a complete fucking loser. The story, which is about Cinderella marrying Bullwinkle at this point, goes completely off the rails with the addition of a wolf and a trip to Sweden. Then, much like most of my sexual escapades the story comes to a sudden and unsatisfying climax.

The Sandman Express runs every night and is surprisingly free to ride.

Stephanie hands Danny a bunch of books to read, which Danny tries to palm off on Joey and Jesse. They’re not having any of that. You wanna try to be a dad at some point, Danny? We cut to later that night as all three men are trying to leave the house at once. Danny explains to them that they can’t all leave unless they’re taking all three children with them. It would seem like the children are your issue, Danny, and that these guys are already doing more than their fair share of raising them. Sure they’re completely incompetent, but back the fuck off, man.

Jesse explains that he has band rehearsal and Joey has to practice his stupid voices at the local comedy club. Oh, sorry guys were you attempting to actually have a life? Your life takes place entirely within this house now! Danny needs to go to work which means Joey and Jesse aren’t going anywhere. Danny points out that he has a job that actually pays money, a fair point since he’s evidently responsible for providing food and shelter for everyone in the house.

Joey and Jesse get into an argument about what is more important – music or comedy. It turns into an incredibly unfunny bit where they go back and forth naming musical and comedy acts in an effort to one up each other. Joey and Jesse make a run for the door, Joey wins, leaving Jesse to watch the kids. The girls immediately sneak out of bed and run to the kitchen to get ice cream and cookies. Uncle Jesse does his best attempt at being a disciplinarian – allowing them to eat ice cream and cookies but not giving in on their desire to drink milk. We cut to DJ and Stephanie’s bedroom, which now contains tubs of melted ice cream.

Y’all be stepping on people’s feet and hitting one another.

The girls are completely spun out of their minds, jumping rope and doing hyperactive-seizure-dancing – also known as just how white people dance. We cut to downstairs where Jesse has brought his freak-show band to practice. His band mates seem to consist of a current/former meth addict, a carnival worker, that female disguise Schwarzenegger uses in Total Recall, and a random skank. The drummer’s drum sticks are replaced with licorice sticks because Jesse doesn’t want to risk waking the girls.

They then attempt to play Jumpin’ Jack Flash without actually making any noise. I must commend Jesse on his music choice, because I remember later in the show his stupid band is playing crap like Doo Wah Diddy Diddy and Itsy Bitsy Spider. Perhaps awoken by the sound of Redvines making contact on the drums, the girls run downstairs and ask to watch the band play. DJ asks the skank if she can teach her how to make her hair purple and the doorbell rings where it is revealed that the girls have also ordered a pizza. DJ even pays for it herself.

The pizza guy sees the random, generic band and he asks if he can stay a while and listen. This makes sense because… it’s something that would almost certainly never happen. Ever. Seeing as it isn’t her band and she’s a child who should be in bed, DJ takes it upon herself to say yes, and invite the stranger inside the house. No one objects. The pizza guy high fives the guy with the keytar as though they’re now best friends. He then proceeds to “rock out” – although it looks more like he’s having convulsions.

Two Weeks.

We cut to later in the night; the girls are dancing around like fools, purple hair and all. The skank is shimmying her ass across the room, shaking a tambourine (apparently that’s what she brings to the band). Just when you think this room couldn’t be filled with any more failure, Joey returns from the comedy club and screams… conga. They’re a rock band… but close enough Joey, you fucking moron. He starts a conga line with the pizza guy, who has been chilling at the house for hours at this point. Everybody starts conga dancing.

Since this is a sitcom, it’s at this exact moment that Danny bounds through the door.

Danny does the one thing he is truly good at: blaming the people he should be grateful for. You know the ones who are raising his children while he’s constantly at work? Joey tries to save his own skin before revealing a possible reason for all of his stupid behavior he’s… a congaholic. The audience loves it. Jesse admits he screwed up and Michelle starts crying in her room. Joey sees this as an opportunity to make some dumb noises and everyone runs upstairs to check on the baby. It turns out Michelle is getting a new tooth.

Look at me! Look at me! Look at me NOW!

Jesse sticks his finger in Michelle’s mouth instantly calming her. Danny then guilt-trips Jesse, calling him out for being a completely immature letdown. In doing so he also fails to take any accountability himself. Danny then goes to check on the other girls, using it as another excuse to rag on Jesse. Satisfied with demonizing Jesse, he turns his attention to the girls. It works and they confess to being the real masterminds behind the chaos. The kids apologize to Jesse as the sappy rendition of ‘Everywhere You Look’ starts to play. Jesse says it’s okay and everyone says they love each other at least once more than necessary.

Danny shows up to send his kids to bed, for, like the 3rd time in this episode and Joey comes strolling in with a carrot. I was expecting a Bugs Bunny reference but surprisingly it doesn’t happen. Danny apologizes to Jesse and explains how much the kids mean to him. He tells them both not to be afraid to say no to the kids.  Joey is confused and makes a reference I don’t understand or care to research. Danny tries to convince Jesse that they can make this crazy situation work. But he does so with the kind of intensity of a chemistry teacher trying to sell a former student on the concept of starting a meth lab. That’s a Breaking Bad reference. I like Breaking Bad.

They talk about family. Joey reveals that he was an only child and had imaginary brothers and sisters… which actually explains… fucking everything weird about him. Danny starts singing Brahm’s Lullaby to Michelle, but he doesn’t know the lyrics after the lullaby and goodnight part. Given that it isn’t the theme song to a cartoon, neither does Joey, so he yells conga and they all conga out of the room. Fuck off, Tanners.

It’s simple… we kill Joey.

Rating: 1/5 – Have Mercy

Danny proves that he’s really not there as much as a father should be. Not only that it becomes perfectly clear that he expects Jesse and Joey to pick up the slack. He has zero sympathy for them when they attempt to leave the house and do something they enjoy. Fuck you, Danny! Jesse’s band is awful – I simply don’t know where they found the people they cast for these roles.

Also, why are people in TV shows so trusting? Inviting the pizza guy inside their home? I don’t even like the pizza guy seeing inside my home. I’ve often waited outside for several minutes so there’s an excuse for me to be there with the door closed. But enough about my social inadequacies…

Joey simply should not be allowed to watch children. Seriously, he’s a complete idiot.

Knowing Joey’s Stupid Diseases:

con·ga·hol·ic

kngg -ˈhl-ik

1
a : of, relating to, or caused by excessive listening of conga music <congaholic hepatitis> b : erratically shouting conga
2
: desire to form random conga lines

Episode 02: Season One – The First Night, 3.0 out of 5 based on 2 ratings

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