Episode 10: Season One – Joey’s Place

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The episode opens with Joey performing Also sprach Zarathustra (think 2001: A Space Odyssey) with his mouth-trumpet while clashing an iron on his clothes. Dave Coulier sure is good at doing the one sound effect that literally everyone else on the planet can do! For the love of Urkel, please stop making trumpet noises with your mouth! The girls come down stairs to watch the madman do his thing. Joey announces that he’s very excited and has great news but he can’t tell them until everyone comes home. Jesse comes home and he too must wait until everyone is there to hear the exciting news.

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The girls grow impatient and beg Jesse to make Joey talk! The girls have to endure, in reality, about a 40 second wait before Danny gets home and the whole family is in the kitchen. Once Danny is there Joey reveals that he’s been chosen as – and I quote – “one of the hot, up-and-coming comics to go on a 2 week, 16 college tour.” There’s a little problem though – Joey’s not sure if he should go. He points out that when he moved in he made a commitment to look after the girls and cook and clean and do laundry. And jeez, we all know how good Joey is at all of those things:

Cooking: Despite being called Mr. Vegetable in some circles, has no idea how to do anything in the kitchen just one episode before this. His biggest – if not only – contribution to Thanksgiving dinner was bobbing his head to The Temptations and carrying a frozen turkey to the table. A frozen turkey, I might add, that he didn’t even recognize as being a frozen turkey.

Cleaning: Didn’t do the dishes (his job) for so long that the family ended up eating cereal out of pots. In the same episode expected his mom to clean his mess. Also in the same episode tried to vacuum the floor with his mouth.

Laundry: The day he moved in he dumped all of his clothes on the living room floor. He hadn’t done a wash in weeks. An episode later and he, with Jesse’s help, burned through dozens of baby clothes in one night. These were also just dumped on the floor.

Yep, it’s going to be tragic if Joey isn’t there to help. Danny and Jesse tell him he has to go on the tour. The guys realize they can all pitch in and pick up the slack. Alright, it’s solved – Joey is off on the tour. And I guess we’re going to get to hear his awful jokes. Joey is practicing his act in the living room, complete with a tape recorded laugh track. We hear the punch line to one of his jokes – “That’s not a penguin that’s George Bush” followed by “It’s wonderful to be here at Fill-in-the-Blank-College home of the fighting… Some Animal” after which he plays the laugh track. Danny walks in with a big grin on his face – I guess his default face. Joey explains that the laugh track is just a confidence booster. More like a crutch, Joey.

Danny goes upstairs to work on the week’s basketball blooper reel which as corny as that sounds would surely be more entertaining than Joey’s act. Danny is a little upset that Joey has trashed the living room with all of his possessions. Joey says he will clean up. Stephanie comes running around the living room in her Bumblebee Suit playing Flight of the Bumblebee on her little tape player. This is distracting for Joey, so he leaves looking for a place that’s quiet. He tries Jesse’s room, but he’s playing guitar. He tries Michelle’s room but even Michelle is busy playing with a toy. They’re not so subtle in pointing out that Joey has no place of his own.

We cut to Joey practicing his act in the garage – or should I say practicing listening to the laugh track and complimenting himself. Joey’s next joke is titled Ode to a Fountain and involves him taking a sip of water and spitting it out of his mouth… like a fountain. You may remember this “joke” from the first episode when he did it to try to make Michelle laugh. DJ comes down the stairs and watches him. Joey just spurts water around – including on the window of the VW parked downstairs. DJ remarks how it looked so real. Joey just hopes he can do it well on the tour. Yeah, I can totally see how bad form would turn this from a laugh riot to a total dud. I know this is around the same era where a guy smashed watermelons with a sledge hammer, but this isn’t comedy, is it? What does he do for an encore? Blow his nose?

DJ remarks that the garage is really cold – so Joey opens the hood of his VW revealing that it’s his closet. He gives her a jacket and comments on how the alcove is so small so he has to keep his clothes in his car. Worse yet, he has no privacy. He bonds with DJ over the fact that they have so little personal space. Cut to later and DJ is telling Danny and Jesse how sad it was that Joey had to rehearse his act down in the cold garage alone. She thinks there must surely be a way to help him. Danny says what Joey really needs is his own room. DJ brainstorms a way that Joey can have his own room – suggesting Stephanie sleep in a tent in the yard, or that they put bunk beds in Jesse’s room so Joey can move in there.

This is all nice and normal but for some reason it’s decided that it must all be done in secret. Stephanie was given a job to keep an eye out for Joey but she fails and Joey walks into the room. Joey feels like he’s been excluded and talked about, but the family assures him that he wasn’t. They say they were all practicing singing Michelle a song, and then proceed to sing four different songs at the same time. Cut to the next day Jesse has prepared breakfast for everyone and even given Danny the sports page of the newspaper. Danny is late for work, he wishes Joey well and the rest of the family continues to eat breakfast. Everyone else leaves after eating breakfast for about 20 seconds (which includes a second helping). The family does a great job of needlessly making Joey feel ostracized.

Joey starts feeling sorry for himself – believing no one in the family even cares if he’s there or not. He says goodbye to Michelle and goes off on his trip. Cut to later and Jesse has taken care of all the laundry and is playing with Michelle. There’s a knock at the door. It’s some mom who says it’s Joey’s turn to watch the kids. Apparently all the moms in the area (and Joey) take turns watching each others kids. Since Joey is gone it is up to Jesse to watch them. The little brats decide to have a laundry fight and toss all the clean laundry around the living room.

Cut to later in the night and Jesse is making dinner. Danny comes home late and John Stamos overacts the overwritten role of the upset, under-appreciated woman who took care of all the housework. What comes next is a bit that goes on for way too long. Jesse storms around the kitchen talking about how he took the kids to the dentist and missed Oprah and a lot of other unfunny stereotypes about stay-at-home wives. Danny says he has solved Joey’s room problem – he’s going to have some contractors build a new room. Just how much are they paying this fool to create basketball blooper videos? $400K a year?

Joey comes back from his tour and realizes the alcove he sleeps in has been cleared out. He walks into the kitchen to find the rest of the family playing Monopoly. He wants to know if anyone knows where all his stuff is and Danny says they moved it all down to the garage. Joey thinks they put it there because they don’t like him and gets all mopey. He goes downstairs to check out his stuff to find that they’ve completely renovated the garage into a really cool room. Even Manny the Mannequin is there. Joey remarks that no one has ever done anything this nice for him and he’s glad they don’t all hate him after all. Aww.

It’s awfully strange that Joey is supposed to be a functioning comedian and the whole episode is structured around him practicing his routine, yet we don’t hear a complete single joke. It’s as though the subtext is that he’s a hack, even though everything else suggests he’s actually supposed to be talented. It’s really odd since Dave Coulier was – and still is – a stand-up comedian. Even he couldn’t come up with a joke to demonstrate why anyone would pick this guy?

Episode 11: Season One – The Big Three-0

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The title of this episode should be enough to clue you in. It’s birthday themed which means surely the overly-sensitive feelings of at least one of these freaks is going to get severely bent out of shape. Then they’ll have a pity-party. Then they’ll get over it and the shitty music will play. Joey’s opening line, “Alright girls, now not one word about your dads surprise party tonight” puts us right on the rails. Someone is going to fuck up Danny’s big day. Off we go…

But first, I can’t believe that Danny is supposed to be 30 years old or that Bob Saget is actually that age at the time. 80s hair and clothing fashion sure makes people look way older. Anyway, Jesse brings Michelle to the kitchen with him, and he too, reminds Stephanie not to ruin Danny’s surprise party. It’s some pretty good misdirection (and don’t confuse that as a legitimate compliment) because you expect it to be one of those episodes where the surprise is ruined. It isn’t.

Danny plods downstairs and everyone wishes him a happy birthday. He says thanks and reminds them that they can forget that its his birthday and move on. He doesn’t even want to say how old he is. He literally can’t even say how old he is. DJ gives Danny a coupon book from all of the girls as a present. The doorbell rings and everyone rushes to the door for another birthday surprise.

The birthday surprise is a chauffeur driven limo ride for a day. Danny takes the girls to school in the limo and makes Joey and Jesse promise he won’t have a surprise party. They promise, and then flatly ignore the promise and go back to planning it anyway. There’s apparently even going to be a belly dancer. Jesse is going to get Danny’s prized car Bullet fitted for seat covers as a birthday present. Cut to later and there’s some awesomely-awful generic 80s party-music playing. The girls bring in hors d’oeuvres for the party goers and they make poor Jodie Sweetin struggle through some awkward lines as usual.

Jesse is in the backyard with Bullet, which now looks as though it drove off a cliff, rolled through a paint factory, and came to rest in some seaweed. It’s completely trashed. It will be interesting to find out how this happened. We don’t have to wait long as the dialog moves immediately into what happened. In the kitchen, Joey is asking Jesse if something is wrong and Jesse isn’t shy about admitting that there is. DJ, who apparently has some sort of ESP, also comes running in asking if something is wrong because she could feel it.

It turns out DJ is developing women’s intuition – or at least that’s what she says. It’s another abruptly appearing piece of dialog that seems to exist to quickly and lazily get a character where they want them. Jesse takes everyone outside and shows them what happened to the car. Everyone realizes he’s dead meat. One of the party guests comes running in saying Danny is on his way. Jesse hides the present containing the seat covers – since, ya know, there’s no car to put them on anymore.

Danny walks in and everyone yells surprise – much like you do at surprise parties. Danny is happy to see everyone. In a really odd piece of casting the fishing boat captain from Sea Cruise is back. I’ve never really seen a better example of an unimportant character come back to deliver more unimportant lines. Danny thanks Jesse and Joey and asks if there’s any more surprises. I guess Danny has women’s intuition too. Jesse tries to change the subject because it obviously hits too close to home.

A short while later and we’re unwrapping presents, the fishing boat lady has mounted Danny’s bait to remind him how he didn’t catch anything. I was hoping other insignificant characters would pop up and offer presents, too, but sadly that’s the only present we get to see. That is until Stephanie comes running in saying she found another present – of course it’s the seat covers. Danny is excited to find he got some sheepskin seat covers. So excited that he’s going to go try them on the car right at that moment.

Jesse runs after Danny to tell him the truth about Bullet. He tells him the story of how he was leaving Pep Boys and a car crashed into the back of Bullet and sent him down a hill and through a guard rail, into the air and then into the bay. It’s kind of similar to the wacky story that resulted in the family getting Bubba the Turtle. Danny thinks it’s a joke until he goes into the backyard and sees that Jesse was telling the truth. He’s devastated and the sad music comes on.

Danny tries to pretend he’s okay with it. Then everyone reminds him that he isn’t okay with it. And if he is okay with it, he most definitely should not be okay with it. Joey informs him that he didn’t just lose a car – he lost a piece of himself, his entire 20s. Holy shit. I would love to hear what Joey said to console Danny when his wife died. “I just wanted to remind you that you lost your soul mate and, well, you’ll probably never be happy again!” Suitably bummed, Danny leaves everyone by saying it is honestly one birthday he will never forget. He wishes the guys goodnight and goes to bed – even though there’s still a house full of party-goers.

The next day Danny is reading Michelle a book – which just happens to have a car in it, which makes Danny said again. Joey comes in and tries to cheer Danny up. He starts doing that ridiculous baby voice of his and it makes Danny laugh. Danny says he’s also sad because he’s getting older – time is going by so fast. Jesse comes in and asks if Danny is still mad. Danny says no. Jesse says not to go anywhere because he has a big surprise for him. We cut to later and Jesse and Joey have found an identical car to Bullet.

To add a little extra stupid drama to the situation they have to haggle for the car because they only have $11,700 and it costs $12,000. This line is really only thrown in so we know exactly what their budget is and to set up the next scene. As luck would have it, at the exact same time, there’s a guy on the phone willing to pay $12,000 for the exact same car. What are the odds? Zero? Yep. It turns out the other guy is Danny – but neither party knows they’re effectively screwing each other.

Each group outbids the other until the car finally goes up to about $21,000. Both parties realize they can’t actually afford that, so they both give up. Eventually Jesse and Joey get the car for $11,500. They come home to tell Danny the good news but he’s moved on and decided to buy some crusty Wagoneer or something. They show him the surprise in the backyard and Danny realizes they were the ones outbidding him. He decides to keep the new Bullet and comes to terms with the fact that he’s 30. The new car is called Walter and it cuts to a shot of the family driving it across the Golden Gate Bridge to an awful cover of the song Baby You Can Drive My Car.

I can just see the brainless halfwit who probably spent all week trying to come up with a really clever ‘car’ song for the end credits and still came up with Baby You Can Drive My Car. “It’s funny because the episode is about a car and we’re playing it over a scene of them driving it!” Haha. Good one, moron.

Episode 12: Season One – Our First Promo

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Kimmy Gibbler is back and… so is the garage, even though it was converted to a room for Joey several episodes ago. DJ asks Kimmy if she wants to stay for dinner. Kimmy says it depends on what they are having. DJ says she doesn’t know because Joey is making it. Yet more evidence that Joey is more or less completely useless.

Picture-001Kimmy passes on dinner, but suggests her dog might be interested. Stephanie appears in the garage and wants to join the conversation but DJ gets upset that she’s interrupting her woman-to-woman time with Kimmy. As Stephanie is about to leave there’s a spooky noise that scares her. DJ says she’s overreacting. Gibbler turns to Stephanie and says she looks like the kid in Poltergeist that gets sucked into the TV and says “They’re back”. 

8Although it doesn’t make me laugh, I think this may be the closest the show has come so far at actually being funny. It’s an appropriately timed pop culture reference, Stephanie does kinda look like the kid, and the line was delivered well by Andrea Barber (Kimmy Gibbler). If Joey was in the room he probably would have simply consisted of him calling her Poltersteph in a stupid voice.

Upstairs in the kitchen an escaped mental patient, also known as Joey, is talking with a ridiculous Japanese accent that would make even Mickey Rooney blush. He’s also flipping food around because dinnertime – like everything – is simply a game to Joey. They keep cutting to shots of Michelle smiling, to appease the throngs of old ladies who probably only watched the show to coo at the baby. Jesse walks in and joins in with Joey’s Japanese voices. Joey says some woman named Brianna called and she will meet him at 8PM.

Who is Brianna? Do we even care? Will this information have any impact on the rest of the episode? The answer is of course no. But for the record she’s apparently someone Jesse had exterminated termites for and her thank you is to go on a date with him – or something. I’m not sure if it has been explained – maybe I missed it, but does Jesse actually ever get paid in cash? In the last episode the limo ride was a thank you from one of his extermination clients, too. Are these people that gracious? I think this is just another example of the lazy writing on Full House.

Anyway, dinner is ready and Joey asks for help setting the table. Did someone say all the hard work is done… because at literally that second, as though he’s been hiding behind a door, Danny jumps out and says he has great news. Did he get picked as a hot, up-and-coming stand-up comedian? If so, I hope he knows how to spit water.

Stephanie is glad her dad is home because she’s still scared of whatever it was she heard. Danny reminds everyone that he had great news to share. Everyone has already forgotten because no one even cares. Danny says all the stations are fighting tooth and nail for ratings and that they’re all putting together a promo for the newscasters. And Danny gets to go first. They do remember that Danny is the one who screwed up the big coast-to-coast boxing fight, right? No one in the family cares until he tells them they will all be on TV with him. Anyway, someone is coming to the house the next day to film.

Enough of Danny’s excitement – Joey tells everyone to chow down. They take one bite and hate it and suggest they get food delivered instead. They decide on pizza… Joey tells them what they were eating was pizza. Later that night the weird noise comes back again as the kids are sleeping. Now DJ is scared as well. They agree to sleep together in the same bed. No sooner has Steph jumped into bed with DJ – the sound comes back again.

They run out of the room screaming.

They ask Jesse to go kill the monster since he’s an exterminator. Steph asks if she can sleep with Danny. Jesse can’t find anything, so Danny ends up curled up in DJ’s bed with the two girls. He tells them to get some sleep because they have a big day tomorrow. They fall asleep on him and he can’t move. He ends up sleeping the night in a cramped and uncomfortable position.

The next morning Joey and Jesse are styling Michelle’s hair. Joey naturally thinks a Pebbles Flintstone-do is the way to go. Thankfully, they decide to simply use a bow. Jesse and Joey hear “the monster” – Jesse says its a ferret and yells to it to come out before it becomes another notch in his belt. Joey shows Michelle how she looks in the mirror and asks for $85 before settling for a kiss. There’s a ring at the door and the girls think it might be the director of the promo. It is. She comes in and they take her coat while Jesse is off looking for the monster.

The director, AKA Roni – which she makes a point of saying is short for Veronica – asks where Danny is. DJ explains that he’s been delayed. Roni walks around framing shots with her hands and the girls copy her. Downstairs Jesse is still looking for the ferret and Joey comes down to find out whats going on. Jesse says to catch a ferret you have to become one with it. Joey does an impression of a ferret in an attempt to do just that. Jesse asks Joey if he fell out of a tree as a kid and, of course, Joey says that he he did.

Jesse corners the ferret and wants to catch it but poor Joey can’t stand the thought of that and opens the garage door to set it free. It doesn’t work and the ferret runs up into a crawlspace. Joey stands there giving the ferret cheer-leading directions as Jesse tries to catch it. He moves the ladder so that Jesse is trapped in the crawlspace and makes Jesse promise he won’t kill the ferret when if he catches him. The girls come downstairs with Roni and, of course, find Joey and Jesse in a stupid position. When Roni sees what the Tanner family looks like as a whole she says “I’m in trouble”.

Danny eventually comes home and finds out that Roni has basically restyled his family. Joey won’t be on TV (honestly a wise move) he will be holding the cue cards. Roni is going to sell the family with style and sophistication. Like anyone at home gives a fuck anyway. They do a dry run with Danny. He comes through the door and says, “ciao family”. They’re apparently Italian now, and even have a dog called Da Vinci that comes bounding into the living room and sits on Danny’s lap. The girls come out with violins and dressed like they’re from several centuries prior.

Danny even has a housekeeper, Jesse, who comes out talking with a terrible British accent and offers everyone tea. The whole thing is obviously stupid looking even to the Tanner family. Roni says they need to focus. Next up is Michelle, who has been recast as an adopted Asian child. Roni says the real Michelle wasn’t right for the part. Well, honestly, as crazy as this lady is, she made at least two good decisions. Danny is upset by this of course – he hates the concept and reinvents the promo himself. He says he’s proud of his family and wants his kids to be played by his kids. Danny decides to direct and Roni gets demoted to holding the cue cards. I guess Danny has the power to do that…?

We cut to some time later, the family is gathered around the TV watching the incredibly corny promo. Danny shows the viewers his stairs and then his slacks and his children – none of which are interesting. I was hoping he would make the cameraman zoom in on Stephanie’s feet, but he doesn’t. The kids pitch the news and tell everyone to watch their dad. They then walk across the hallway and introduce Michelle, Joey and Jesse. Jesse makes Michelle kind-of sing La Bamba and then Danny talks about how he’s a single dad and the guys help take care of his kids. Who. Gives. A. Fuck!

He introduces everyone in the family, as though anyone at home watching would care in the slightest. Joey does the baby voice when Michelle is on TV and everyone laughs their heads off. They’re so in love with themselves. They run into the kitchen for ice cream and then the ferret sound appears one more time. Jesse runs after the ferret and finds it. Jesse keeps his promise and doesn’t kill it. They take it into the kitchen to show the girls but the episode ends before we see their reaction.

So was the promo a success? We never find out. I guess it’s assumed that Danny’s freak-show of a family was just what viewers wanted to see. The ratings war is over and the network and people of San Francisco love him. No, they love The Tanners. And sadly, that’s the actual reality of the situation. This show ran for 8 seasons because people loved The Tanners.

Episode 13: Season One – Sisterly Love

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Danny starts the episode off by introducing America’s newest superstar Miss Donna Joe Tanner. There’s some applause from the family, and DJ walks in wearing a fancy red dress. DJ was apparently in a performance of The Princess and the Frog. Danny says he laughed, he cried, he learned about life. Joey is upset that he missed the end of the performance due to Michelle crying. Stephanie says DJ should do the ending again for Joey. DJ says she would love to, but she needs someone to play the frog. Everyone looks at Jesse to be a frog. So Jesse assumes a stupid frog pose and DJ goes through the ending. She kisses Jesse and he turns into a normal person again. Everyone applauds and Stephanie does a throw back to DJ’s “ooooh, the man is hot” line by saying “ooooh, the girl is hot.” It’s some sort of proto catch-phrase but you can see the gears were turning somewhere. The writers knew they wanted catch phrases, they were just trying to find something that clicked.

DJ says acting is a lot of fun. Jesse says Danny knows people in show biz and should make some calls, maybe get her in a commercial. Danny says he will try, but for her not to get her hopes up. In the kitchen Jesse has made Michelle a corned beef sandwich on rye with a big fat kosher pickle to make up for the baby food she eats. Michelle eats the pickle. Almost five-minutes in and this episode is low on laughs (not unexpected) and even lower on the kind of stupid shit that makes worth reviewing! Hurry up and get to the corny bullshit already. Danny walks in and takes away the sandwich and pickle and at the same time Joey walks in. Please, Joey – save the day with something as awful as that shirt you’re wearing.

Joey’s done some shopping – meatless vegetable cutlets, marinated tofu squares, and salt free rice crackers. Jesse asks if Joey won the Hari Krishna Family Publisher’s Sweepstakes. Danny asks, “Isn’t that the one with Ed McMahon in the orange robe with the shaved head.” Then laughs at his own joke. Danny is sort of like a laugh track for the family letting them know when to laugh. Joey says they can laugh at his diet all they want, but he got some news from the doctor about his cholesterol and he needs to eat unsaturated fats. He’s also decided on his own to give up junk food. The guys don’t think he can do it – but Joey says they are talking to Mr. Willpower, dudes. I’m not sure why he adds dudes – possibly to take any credibility out of his statement. Well, as much credibility that remains from someone who refers to himself as Mr. Willpower.

Some time later, Danny says he called the talent agency and there’s a cereal commercial next week. Alright, there’s some great Full House potential here. He doesn’t even know if he should tell DJ, though. Jesse says DJ should go for it. Joey says DJ shouldn’t, because she’ll be up against professionals who will destroy her self-esteem. She will feel like a loser if she doesn’t get the part. Danny says this is the hard part about being a parent – any decision could drastically change their outcome in life. Hearing this makes Jesse and Joey flip-flop on their advice. Danny realizes DJ is the one he should be talking to. Joey reiterates the point, saying every decision they make could effect the girls for the rest of their lives. Will this guy finally grow up now and stop spitting water around the place?

Danny finds DJ in her room and tells her that she has a big decision to make about the commercial audition. DJ says she wants to do it. Danny stresses that the chances of her getting the part are slim and not to get her hopes up. He says she should only do it for the fun of it but to think about it. DJ stresses she wants to do it. Cut to later in the casting office and DJ gets a large reality check when she sees one of the other young candidates handing out a publicity shot and resume. Stephanie asks if that was a kid or a little tiny grown up. DJ gets cold feet, saying it’s a mistake. She doesn’t even have a resume or picture. Jesse tries to sweet talk the lady at the desk into liking DJ – same shit they do in every episode. She’s not buying it, asks him to leave her picture and resume at the desk like everyone else. Somehow they work this out because…

Cut to DJ’s audition for Olson’s Oat Boats cereal. For some reason, even though there’s no camera rolling, there’s an actual bowl of cereal with milk on the table. I guess they don’t want to risk casting someone who can’t actually perform in front of a real bowl of cereal? But don’t worry, the real reason for this comes into play soon. DJ delivers the corny lines, Jesse applauds wildly and says it was great. The casting director loved it too and says she wants her to stay and do it one more time for Mr. Benten, the guy who makes the final decisions. DJ goes insane with glee. Jesse has to go run outside to put coins in the meter and DJ goes off to do her hair. Stephanie asks if she can have some of the cereal, since DJ did such a good job selling it. Stephanie then inadvertently creates an improvised commercial as she eats it, right as Mr. Benten comes in. Of course! And guess what? He loves it! And she’s now hired for the commercial OF COURSE!

Mr. Benten congratulates Stephanie on becoming the new Oat Boat girl just as Uncle Jesse and DJ walk back in. Stephanie, DJ, and Jesse all wonder what the hell happened and then the sad music comes on. Back at the house Joey is drinking some seaweed-protein-wheat-germ tonic, which he tries to pretend is fine. DJ comes storming in and opens a soda bottle. Danny says he tried to warn her she might not get the part and it probably went to someones relative. Jesse tells Danny that Stephanie got the part. Danny thinks it’s wonderful but he’s very sorry for DJ too. Joey is happy that there’s a bright side – he had nothing to do with it. Steph asks if DJ is mad at her. DJ says of course she isn’t – but she’s not terribly convincing. 

Upstairs Joey is trying to temp Michelle with a hamburger and fries – part two of an odd, and unexplained element involving feeding adult food to the baby. Instead of temping Michelle, he temps himself and proceeds to scarf it down. Danny and Jesse come looking for him while he has a mouth full of burger. He hides the food under Michelle’s stuffed animals. Jesse asks where Michelle got a french fry and he searches and finds the burger and fries. Joey admits that he isn’t Mr. Willpower, he’s Mr. Cholesterol. He scarfs down another bite. Danny points out that Joey should find a happy medium between the healthy and junk. Danny has to leave to go back to work (of course) and asks the guys to keep an eye on DJ and Steph.

Downstairs Stephanie is practicing her commercial with a bowl of Oat Boats. DJ laughs at her every time she does the lines. Stephanie says if she’s doing something wrong that DJ should help her, and asks her again if she’s sure she isn’t mad. DJ says of course she isn’t upset. Stephanie says she thinks she’s jealous. The girls chase each other around the kitchen for the box of cereal, yelling at each other. They rip the box of cereal open tugging on it and Jesse and Joey arrive just in time to break up the fight. They try to make them kiss and make up. It doesn’t work so they split them up. Downstairs in Joey’s room – which is a room again – DJ is furiously peddling away on an exercise bike. The guys come in to talk and DJ says they were right and she was wrong.

Joey says that they strike out at auditions all the time. DJ says they’ve never had a part stolen by their sister though. Jesse says she’s right, and that Stephanie obviously tricked them [Him and DJ] into taking her to the audition just so Stephanie could get the part. Jesse further adds that she used telekinesis to get them out of the room. This approach makes DJ realize she didn’t do it on purpose and she smiles. But she’s still mad at her. So they talk some more.

They ask her whats wrong and she says she is sick of having sisters. It was better when it was just her. Then Stephanie came along and she was so cute. Then Michelle came along and was so cute. Joey asks if she had a problem when she was getting all the attention after the play. They point out that it is great being the oldest. She gets no hand-me-downs, gets to date first, drive first, see an R rated movie first. The best part is she has two little sisters who need her and look up to her and love her. 

Out in the living room, Stephanie is calling the operator to find Mr. Oat or Mr. Oat Boat. She says she can’t do the commercial as it’s tearing the family apart. DJ arrives in time to say she needs to talk to her. Stephanie asks to put them on hold. There’s no reply and Stephanie says the first utterance of how rude – delivered completely as a throwaway line. She says sorry she stole the part, DJ says she knows it wasn’t on purpose. DJ says she was jealous. Stephanie says she’s always jealous of her. That’s why she’s always following her around, because she’s the smartest, prettiest, funnest girl she knows… except when she hates her. The audience awws. DJ says she doesn’t hate her – and says she’s her best friend and Stephanie says that works out great because she’s her best friend too. The audience awws again and claps. The girls go off to practice the script as Jesse and joey watch on.

Episode 14: Season One – Half a Love Story

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y7We open in the Channel 8 Action Newsroom as one of the anchors is saying they will be right back with Danny Tanner and sports. They go to commercial and Danny runs over to see Robin, a friend of his who has an interview to be one of the new reporters. Danny says she should stay at his already crowded, annoying ass house instead of a hotel. Jesse walks into the studio with Michelle and is immediately taken with Robin. He uses Michelle to lure her in and it works. Jesse asks her out for a romantic evening of dinner and dancing. She says she can’t tonight but maybe tomorrow. Jesse asks to seal it with a kiss – using Michelle as some sort of fleshy link between their lips. Now mere inches from her face he says that Michelle says she has beautiful eyes. Robin leaves, clearly looking forward to seeing Jesse again.

The news comes back from commercial and Jesse approaches Danny and hands Michelle off to him, right as he’s about to deliver his report. What the fuck. Now we’re back to the classic no-fucks-given-about-anyone-else behavior that defines this show. Jesse has an audition for a big gig so watching Michelle is now officially not his fucking problem. The fact that Danny is about deliver his report while holding a baby doesn’t matter. Danny can deal with that. The fact that it makes the network look incredibly unprofessional doesn’t matter. The network can deal with that. The fact that most people don’t care for this ugly baby doesn’t matter. The people of San Francisco can deal with that. Danny tries to pass Michelle off as a new addition to the sports segment while the other anchors shrug their shoulders in disbelief.

Later in the day Robin is chilling on the couch with Danny when the girls walk in. She asks DJ if she remembers her, she doesn’t. In the kitchen, Joey is pouring Chinese take-away into a wok and attempting to pass it off as his own cooking. He says he’s tired of the family making fun of his cooking and saying he’s not the world’s greatest cook. So he does listen! This indicates to me that Joey’s CPU must be a neural net processor – a learning computer. Stephanie says not to worry as she’s not the world’s greatest anything. Joey says she is the world’s greatest Stephanie – aww! He tells Stephanie to go tell everyone he’s almost done cooking.

Just as Stephanie leaves there’s a knock at the door. It’s Jill. Who’s Jill? She’s a girlfriend that Jesse had, that he never really broke up with – kind of a friend’s with benefits type deal, apparently. Jesse comes home and sees Robin sitting on the couch and walks over like he’s going to put the moves on right then and there. He reminds her that they’re going out tomorrow and she says they absolutely are. Danny lets Jesse know that he invited Robin to stay the weekend and he thinks she can stay in his room. This of course means that he will be staying the night with Joey, who strolls in at that exact moment making dinner-bell motions and making the accompanying sounds with his mouth. Either I’m getting kind of numb to this kind of behavior or he’s toning it down.

Everyone goes into the kitchen and at the exact moment they’ve left Jill comes downstairs and says, “Hey Jessie!” Isn’t it funny how she just happened to come down the second Robin had left? She asks Jessie if he had forgot their date. He says of course not and suggests they leave. Joey says not to go as he made a delicious Chinese meal. Jill says she loves Chinese food and goes into the kitchen. You know what’s coming next, right? Of course! Jesse is going to end up having dinner with both women and we can only guess as to how well its going to end. Jesse sits awkwardly between the two girls and tries to pass them both off as friends. Robin let’s Jesse know that they’ve already met and they she was informed that they have a date tonight.

Everyone thinks Joey’s food is great but Danny thinks it tastes like the food at Uncle Wu’s Chinese Palace. Jill asks what movie they should see – Jesse tries to change the subject but no one wants to talk. Jill tells a story about how Jesse and her met. She explains how he came in with Michelle, and how there’s something about a baby that is sexy and hard to resist. Robin says it’s becoming easier. Danny asks if he uses his baby to meet women. Joey says he’s taking the baby with him tomorrow to meet girls the market. Jill goes on to spill all of Jesse’s techniques – the same ones he used on Robin. DJ chimes in asking if the food is too spicy because Jesse is sweating bullets. Thanks for the help, DJ!

Later that evening we see Robin and Danny practicing her audition piece. Jesse walks straight into the room and says he hopes he isn’t interrupting anything – even though it’s a textbook example of interrupting something. He says he wants to talk to Robin privately and asks Danny to leave. Robin tells Danny not to leave and that she doesn’t think the date is a good idea. Jesse is devastated and doesn’t want to accept reality. Robin says she’s dated his type before and it always gets her into trouble. Jesse gets defensive wants to know what his type is. She says he’s a guitar-playing, leather-wearing, Elvis-loving, motorcycling-riding, girl-chasing, blow-drying, baby-toting tough-guy type. Only in the 80s couldJesse says she’s right, but he’s also a romantic-type and a compassionate-type type - that’s attracted to her type. She says she bets he has never had a relationship last more than three months. He says she’s wrong but can’t remember the name of her. Jesse kicks Danny out of the room – Danny says he’s going to patch up the Iran / Iraq squabble.

After Danny leaves Robin admits she’s afraid of getting hurt. Jesse won’t quit – even going so far as saying he won’t take no for an answer. All of this despite the fact that she has expressed a lack of interest multiple times. I would like to think Full House is providing some sort of commentary on how pushy men can be, but I’m sure it’s meant to be funny or something. Still, kudos for writing a female character who has at least some dignity and enough spine to kick this creep out of the room. Obviously the whole family is outside listening in. they all confront him. DJ says you really like her huh. He says its the worst breakup in his whole life and he hasn’t even gone out with her yet. the next morning Jesse is pretending that everything is fine – he’s over her but Joey isn’t buying it. Danny suggests he try taking things slow and being friends. Jesse doesn’t want this.

Upstairs Robin is chilling with DJ and Stephanie. The fact that DJ commented on Jesse liking her means that there’s a 100% chance that this pretentious little freak is going to give her some sort of lecture on how she should date her uncle. DJ and Stephanie talk about how when she gets the job she can come and visit them all the time. Stephanie says she can even date Uncle Jesse. Robin says she doesn’t see that happening. DJ points out that David and Maddie on moonlighting didn’t like each other at first either. The girls tell her that uncle Jesse is a great catch – he can sing, can give fun piggy back rides, and has an awesome head of hair. Jesse comes into the room and it’s obviously awkward so she leaves.

Stephanie slams her finger in a drawer and Jesse runs over and makes everything better. Robin looks on as Uncle Jesse miraculously distracts Stephanie into forgetting how much the finger hurt. He gives her a piggy back ride out of the room and Stephanie says “what a guy” – the scene closes on Robin looking like she misjudged him

Cut to the Channel 8 room and Danny is once again doing the news report with Michelle and says he would like to thank all of the callers who asking for Michelle to be a regular on the show. Bull. Fucking. Shit. But, unfortunately Danny announces that she is retiring. Jesse comes to pick up Michelle, Robin is practicing her piece and Jesse shows up with Michelle. Jesse says she’s not putting enough personality into it and that she needs to have more fun with it. Jesse  gives a demonstration of how she should do it. He does a bombastic fake news report, throwing a have mercy in there for good measure. It’s finally time for Robin to do her go land we fade out as she is going.

Later that night in the Tanner house Danny gives a toast to Robin, the newest member of the Channel 8 team. Robin thanks all of them for their help. She asks to have a private word with Jesse. They go outside to the backyard and she says she wanted to help him for all of his help. She says she was wrong about him – he’s different to all the other guys like him. She digs his strong maternal instincts – the girls really adore him, and she’s beginning to see why. He says that they should just be friends and she says she would like that. And if they ever want to be more than friends she will have to make the first move.

He asks if she ever were to do that what would the move be…

She says trust her if she ever makes a move he will know it…

She gives him a friendly hug and he asks if that was a move…  

She asks if his toes curled…

He says yeah…

She says when she really makes a move everything curls…

Jesse says HAVE MERCY and the episode ends. 

I always do a search on these random actors and actresses. The person who played Robin – Kristian Alfonso – starred on Days of Our Lives for, like, about as long as I’ve been alive. I’m talking over thirty-years. Holy shit. She was even in the news this year when she went to Australia to promote the show going back on the air there. Alright, that’s not terribly exciting news – but you don’t see Mr. Benten doing anything these days, do ya. Huh? Yeah!

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