Episode 05: Season One – Sea Cruise

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I’m salivating just from the title of this episode because sitcom episodes that take place on cruises are always awful. I can’t imagine they’re going on a cruise the week after school starts, so it will be interesting to see what kind of cruise this actually is.

We start off with Jesse trying to write a song and it’s obvious you won’t hear anything he writes on top-40 radio. Joey enters the room, and Jesse asks him for help with a word that rhymes with Lamborghini, to which Joey suggests Cecil and Beany. I didn’t even know what this was a reference to until I looked it up. Also, that’s not a word. The audience thinks it’s very funny – but it’s important to remember the audience is either a laugh track or mentally impaired.

We cut to Danny who is recording Michelle’s earliest steps on his giant video camera. Michelle tries to make a run for the kitchen and the audience absolutely loses their shit. I think I’m missing something here. Joey finds a way to get some attention of his own – using his weird baby voice to proclaim Michelle as… RoboBaby. Oookay. How difficult was it to make people laugh in the 80s? Was it simply a matter of combining two random things they might have heard of? Seemingly because, again, the audience thinks this is comedy gold.

The two non-cyborg girls run down stairs dressed as bees and Stephanie launches into a bunch of really bad bee puns. Danny asks DJ how it feels to finally be retiring as Queen Bee, to which she replies it’s great. I can bee-lieve it. Steph gives us another awful bee pun. Danny then torments the children by making them do the Secret Honey Bee Hello. It’s very stupid but the brain dead audience loves it.

Steph gives us one more stupid bee pun for the road and they leave for grandma’s house, taking Michelle with them. You might think Danny would keep Michelle but remember he really doesn’t want to deal with his baby. The men find themselves without the children for once, or in the case of Danny, as usual.

Danny says he misses his children before amending his earlier comment to say that he doesn’t. It’s played for laughs but its probably true. So the guys must decide what they’re going to do with the day. Joey suggests a Three Stooges Festival, because the girls there don’t mind if you poke them in the eye. I can only imagine how horrific Joey’s idea of courting ladies is. Jesse suggests they travel up to Tahoe for a Marilyn Monroe look-alike contest – but that too is immediately shot down by Danny.

Danny decides they’ve never had a guys’ night out together and they should go have some male bonding. Jesse and Joey aren’t so keen on it so Danny goes straight for some top shelf, premium-grade guilt-trip material. He brings up the fact that his wife died only five months ago. What a fucking jackass. He then immediately applies another coat of guilt adding that his misery shouldn’t stop them from going out and having fun. It works, obviously, because no one can argue with a guy with a dead wife, and Danny laughs knowing he won.

I am sure a guy in Danny’s situation would miss his wife but this is such blatant emotional manipulation that it’s really not funny. The guy’s decide they’re gonna go fishing but before they can leave the phone rings. It’s Roxanna, one of Jesse’s ex-girlfriends. It’s a funny reminder of a time when everyone pretty much just had one main phone and it might literally be anyone calling for anybody when it rang. She’s apparently a big star star now and by that I mean she’s not still playing gigs in her living room.

She wants to hang out tonight, but Danny reminds Jesse that he can’t because he already agreed to hang out with him. Jesse tells the girl he can’t go out, which is all because of Danny’s manipulation. Danny, you’re a goddamned pansy and a major cockblock.

So we cut to the boat and Danny is excited for a night of Men Doing Manly Things… or something. I can’t think of three guys who are less manly than this trio – in particular Danny, who is virtually asexual in my eyes. Let’s not forget Joey, either – an eight-year-old trapped in a much older body. Danny is stunned to find out a woman will be at the helm of his Manly Night of Fishing and Other Manly Things. He was expecting her father, who has apparently retired.

The estrogen levels are about to go sky-high when Roxanna appears on the boat with her two backup singers. Weird, I don’t recall Jesse giving her the exact location he would be at. In fact, I recall him being extremely vague – but nobody questioned things in the 80s. The fact is, Roxanna is here and she’s ready to party. Sorry, Danny – you’re now outnumbered 4-3. And that’s if we credit any of them as being men… and I don’t.

Roxanna wants to get down 80s style. Hell, even Joey wants to take a stab at having some sort of relations with a member or two of the opposite sex. Danny, however, simple wants the sausage night he signed up for. Danny lets the guys hang with the girls for a little while, but he remembers he has a dead wife, so he drags them away to fish with him. Fucking self centered asshole.

Danny asks Jesse which rod he wants. Jesse answers honestly that he really doesn’t give a fuck. Danny does not take the hint. So Jesse takes a rod and goes to talk to Roxanna, they reminisce, and then kiss. It’s at this time that Joey and Danny decide to come over and sing part of the theme to The Love Boat, interrupting their moment. The other two women alert Joey to the fact that they’re out of champagne. Joey, the ladies’ man that he is, suggests a… ménage à fish. Easy there, Troy McClure.

One of them says she would need a lot more champagne for that… which is… surprisingly to say the least. Joey tries to talk sexy, but his choice of words makes the girls want to hurl instead. Danny is somehow doing pretty well, but he’s too much of a moron to realize this lady is at least somewhat interested in him. Danny is more interested in teaching Joey to fish, a skill I doubt he would actually possess. It’s definitely a skill Joey doesn’t possess, because his attempt at casting results in him throwing the entire rod off the boat.

We cut to commercial and when we come back everyone but Danny has caught a fish. He can’t believe it, but I am not at all surprised because he completely useless. Even the backup singers have caught five fucking fish. They’re actually using bait, though while Danny has been trying to guilt the fish onto his hook by telling them his wife died.

Danny ruins another chance at getting close to the captain of the boat, and agrees with a paranoid conspiracy about the fish purposely avoiding his line. Jesse and his squeeze talk about how they wish they could see more of each other. We find out she used to be part of Jesse’s band, or perhaps we knew that earlier. I don’t really care. We definitely find out the first song she sang in the band was Rockin’ Robin, which she starts singing, which in turn makes everyone start singing.

When someone in a sitcom sings, everyone sings – it’s works like a trigger word from a hypnotist. It doesn’t matter where they are or what the song is, everyone knows it and everyone drops what they’re doing and joins in at the same time. But this is Full House so Jesse suggests some wacky choreography, and they start tossing fish and flapping their wings as they sing. The song ends and everyone applauds themselves like narcissistic assholes. Danny finally hooks a fish but it pulls him into the water so Joey and Jesse jump in after him.

It’s the next morning in the Tanner kitchen and all of the women are there too. Joey is serving everyone his fish and really rubbing it in. The most surprising thing is not that he caught fish. No, the most surprisingly thing is that he’s not talking like one of the fucking Snorks while he serves them. That’s just the type of obnoxious idiot he is.

We learn that the fish that pulled Danny into the water was actually a Michelin radial. The girls all leave, and one of them tells Joey that hanging out with him “actually bordered on fun”. He does at least get a couple of kisses before they leave, but methinks he would rather poke one of their eyes out. Jesse says his inevitable goodbye to Roxanna but she suggests he join her on the road.

Jesse assumes she means join her in the band, but she points out she purely wants, you know, his company – I assume as her boyfriend. This offends Jesse greatly, because he’s a fucking moron. He is undone by his male pride and his grandiose delusions of just how much he has going for him. He can’t accept the idea of following her around, despite the fact that he clearly wants her otherwise.

The skipper clearly wants to see more of Danny, but he has a dead wife so he’s clearly going to freak out over her subtle advances. Instead of explaining the situation like a normal human, Danny says his whole time with her was a big mistake and she shouldn’t be here. And that’s almost verbatim. Who is this guy? RoboDanny?! Dead wife or not, that’s a a harsh way to tell someone no thank you.

Jesse and Danny lead their woman to the door, but Joey, who has been creepily watching each couple I their intimate moment the entire time, intervenes. Joey takes them both into the kitchen and asks what the hell is wrong with them. Joey only knows relationships through cartoons, so he doesn’t really understand how complex and multilayered real emotions can be.

They both tell Joey to blow off, but Joey isn’t going to just stand there like the mannequin he dresses to resemble him every morning. He calls Jesse out for being jealous of Roxanna’s success. Jesse admits that he is and that he knows his band sucks… and reveals that he is 24 and half. Holy shit, really? He looks way older. Like all 24-year-olds he wonders why life hasn’t worked out perfectly yet. Joey says he can relate, he feels the same way when he sees Alf. I… wow.

He asks Danny why he is so upset with Caroline. Danny is upset because he do have feelings for this woman. Joey says he knows how tough things have been for Danny. This is the same guy who couldn’t even be bothered cleaning up his own mess in the last episode, mind you. He reminds Danny that life is a struggle but people can help you get through the tough times. Just as like as they don’t have to do the dishes, right JoJo?

Jesse rightfully calls Joey on the fact that he spends most of his time making armpit-fart noises and should they honestly be listening to him? Joey then admits that everything he said was spoken by Scrappy Doo in a cartoon last week and everyone laughs way too much.

Danny apologizes to Caroline and explains that his dead wife gets in the way of dating but he would like to be friends. She says that would be great and Joey peeks his head around the corner like a fucking creepy pervert. We then cut to Jesse and Roxanna where we assume the same scene will happen complete with creepy Joey… and of course it does. Hey, Joey – it is obvious you want to play match maker but sticking around to watch the fruits of your labor makes you some sort of creepy soft-core voyeur! Jesse and Roxanna decide to remain friends and the girls return from their time with grandma.

Rating: 1/5 – Have Mercy!

The show is called Full House for a reason – the show works mostly when they have multiple characters to cut to. And by “works” I mean, works by Full House standards. I would never suggest this show actually succeeds on any normal level. But without the girls, the show feels empty. We’re also away from the house for most of the episode and a lot of the screen time is taken up by new, boring characters. So things kind of feel off. None of the big scenes work very well.

It’s another example of Full House covering a real subject, but utterly failing to present it well. Danny has a ten or eleven-year-old daughter, meaning he was with his deceased wife at least that long. She has only been dead for five months. He is bound to be full of a lot of genuine emotions, even ones strong enough to cause him to fly off the handle and just flat out ask a nice lady to leave. The execution of the scenario in this episode is still terrible, though.

It’s more a case of the writer needing to make sure this character leaves and leaves for good.

Jealously. Manipulation. Voyeurism. This house has it all.

Episode 06: Season One – Daddy’s Home

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We start in the Tanner living room, DJ puts Michelle in the crib and Danny emerges from his alcove wearing a ridiculous outfit. That much is expected, but the big surprise comes from the fact that his mannequin isn’t wearing a matching copy. Is this twin clothing gimmick officially dead or did they just forget? Only time will tell.

The family is getting ready to go to Stephanie’s ballet recital. Stephanie comes dancing into the room and there’s an odd audio moment that sounds like someone started to clap before realizing no one else was. It’s the first solid indicator that the people they select for the studio audience really have no concept of how to behave when they see and hear otherwise normal things.

DJ and Joey tell Stephanie she needs to take things easy, as she’s been practicing for three days straight. Danny comes home and comments on editing a boring piece on the greatest moments in bowling. DJ is excited about going with her dad to 50% off sale at the fashion mall. Jesse enters and the audience woos, because he’s not disgusting like Joey. He bemoans having to attend a “Munchkin ballet” and the audience laughs way too much.

There’s a knock at the door and it’s another hot broad here to see Jesse and she’s very excited to see him. Like, I can’t imagine a dog being this excited to see me.

After charging into the living room and passionately smooching, Jesse realizes perhaps an introduction might be in order. He says they’ll never guess where he met her. Joey can’t believe the luck Jesse has, meeting this exotic Italian girl through his devil-may-care, jet-setting lifestyle. Michelle makes a noise and Danny lifts her out of the crib and tries to get her to talk. So far this is a very boring episode.

You can see Joey is trying his hardest not to make a stupid voice, but he caves a few seconds later with another unnecessary baby impression. The phone rings and Danny finds out that the station wants him to cover the Game of the Week. Danny is super excited, but the look of disappointment on DJ and Steph’s face makes him remember he has kids, and one of them has a recital today. Danny’s job wins out and the kids take it rather well, even though DJ will also miss out on her shopping spree.

We cut to Jesse and his girlfriend Adriana smooching in the garage. Joey walks straight in to talk because nobody in this family knows about, much less respects, personal boundaries. Joey realizes he needs to make some changes in his life, if he’s ever going to nab a cutie like Jesse’s girl. Oh how wishes he had Jesse’s girl. Where can he find a woman like that? I mean, he’s been funny, he’s been cool with the lines. Granted, the lines have all been from Scooby Doo but women dig cartoons, right? Joey presses Jesse for tips on how to be as cool as him. It’s a talk that could probably wait a couple of hours – or at least until his mouth wasn’t having more fun elsewhere.

We cut to later on in the day and Adriana and Jesse are feeding each other strawberries on the couch. The theory, I assume, is that someone is going to barge in on them regardless of where they are so they may as well do it in an area that gets air-conditioning. It’s at this moment that Danny bursts through the front door frantically wanting to know how Stephanie’s recital was. Jesse summarizes it in several words and it doesn’t occur to Danny that he owns a video camera and someone could have at least recorded the whole thing. Danny, feeling bad about missing Steph’s big moment, says he can at least take the girls shopping. Unfortunately Jesse already took care of that as well.

Adriana has had enough of being in the middle of every single fucking family crisis these freaks have and decides to go wait for Jesse at the hotel room. And even Danny can’t resist a deep stare at her sweet, sweet can. She pulls out a tiny bag and tells Jesse she can’t wait to model the new skimpy outfit he purchased for her.

From that wonderful mental image we move to DJ, who is ready to model some clothing of her own. For some reason DJ is dressed like some dirty little London street urchin or a frumpy paper girl or something. It’s an incredibly odd outfit, so I can’t wait to see how ridiculous the other girls look. One thing is for certain, if Michelle got clothing the audience is going to lose their fucking marbles.

Stephanie comes out and her dress looks pretty normal – disappointing, as I was hoping for something as baffling as the pile of rags DJ got stuck with. I still have hope for Michelle… but her outfit is about as average as it gets. Well fuck. The audience still went pretty crazy, though. Danny feels way too sorry for himself, declaring he missed out on a really special day.

It’s about to get a whole lot more… special, as Joey has also purchased some clothing of his own. He’s wearing leather, basically a clone of Jesse. The audience thinks it’s hilarious of course. Michelle calls Jesse dada, and Danny probably thinks it’s all because he missed one day. Michelle also thinks Joey is daddy. Also not a surprise. She doesn’t think Danny is her dad though. Cue the sad music.

Danny is determined to be a better father so he’s gonna take all the girls out for a Daddy Daughter Day. Just one day, though – they’re still fucked the other 364 days. Jesse takes Joey for a motorcycle ride to try to macho him up. Joey now has the look and the attitude he just needs a bike of his own. Jesse let’s Joey take his bike out on his own, as though it’s really going to help anyone.

We cut to Danny who is recording every square inch of Stephanie’s body, up close, while she sleeps. Stephanie wakes up and asks him point blank why he’s making a foot movie. Why indeed, Danny. Captain Creepo admits he wants to preserve every second of their lives. I’m not going to pretend I haven’t taken occasional pictures of my son sleeping… but at least I don’t have a foot fetish.

He has another exciting revelation, they’re having another Daddy Daughter Day. He says they can do whatever they want to do, which they suggest a cruise around the bay, and horseback-riding, and a shopping spree for TV’s and mopeds. You know, typical stuff.

It turns out Joey has taken the bike a little further than around the block. It’s the next day and he’s still not back. When Jesse demands he return the bike, Joey tells him to chill out and hangs up the phone. Several hours later, Joey returns the bike and has to suffer Jesse’s wrath. The girls and dad return home from their fun day out at the same time.

Joey tells Jesse he was possessed by his spirit. While riding the hog he ran into a hot woman, who he tossed on the back of the bike, and said have mercy. Jesse is impressed. Joey says he took her to Vegas, was up 14K, got married, hopped on a private jet to NY, produced a revival of Porky and Bess for Broadway. It’s at this point that Joey suspects that Jesse doesn’t believe a word of his story – probably the least believable story ever told – so he decides to tell the truth.

The truth isn’t much better. He admits he really met a girl nearby and he played Monopoly with her, and then fell asleep on her couch. It doesn’t really explain anything and in fact opens up some pretty stupid plot holes. Jesse isn’t mad and Joey comes to terms with the fact that he is Joey and he’s perfectly okay with it. He goes upstairs to take a bubble bath and we cut to the girls’ bedroom. Steph mentions how much she loved Daddy Daughter Day, and Danny reminds her that it’s back to the normal schedule of never seeing him starting tomorrow.

She’s upset. DJ says it was one of the best days of her life but Danny doesn’t believe it. It’s obvious that DJ is upset too. Uh oh, here comes a Special Moment. I can feel it. DJ pours her heart out. She admits that it is hard for her being so strong for her little sister. That it upset her that she couldn’t go shopping with him earlier, but she couldn’t say that, lest she upset Stephanie even more.

Danny says she doesn’t have to bottle anything up. DJ says the day was so much fun, but she was sad because she knew it would end. Danny says he feels the same. They both cry, but the show touches on a real issue all across the world – kids who never see their parents. And the show finally really acknowledges the fact that Danny is virtually never around.

Danny goes to say goodnight to Michelle so calls out dada as he calls the door. Unlike the episode of The Simpsons where Maggie says the same thing in almost the exact same set up, Danny hears this and is excited.

Rating: 2/5 – Cut. It. Out.

Another episode with a legitimate theme that should have been explored a lot better than the way it was. Probably the biggest problem this family faces is the fact that Danny Tanner is never home. I’m not exactly sure how many hats this guy wears at Channel 8 News but he’s editing videos in this episode and sportscasting in the next. Channel 8 might want to loosen up that budget. It all adds up to him never being around, and although they acknowledge this, we never see a real solution.

The fact that Joey was gone for over 24 hours and managed to play part of a game of Monopoly before falling asleep on some girl’s couch sounds about right. Everyone knows Joey’s idea of foreplay is Tom & Jerry, not some yawn-fest board-game.

Episode 07: Season One – Knock Yourself Out

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Danny is excited because tonight is his big break. Cable TV. Coast to coast. None of that local San Francisco crap. Danny has hit the big time. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that Danny is not ready for the big leagues. Apparently the big fight Danny is covering will be seen by 20 million people. That’s at least 19,999,995 more people than I think Danny is qualified to speak in front of.

We cut to Jesse who is wearing glasses to show that he’s really a genuine song writer, I guess. He is working on a new song and not surprisingly it is very generic. Not only that he has even subliminally used the tune to On Top of Old Smokey to accompany his lyrics. It’s Danny who realizes it and to rub it in he sings his point. Jesse misattributes, “It don’t come easy” to Beethoven in regards to writing music. It’s another lame joke that really shows the almost impossibly multilayered-stupidity of Jesse.

Joey is hyped for the boxing event – punching his way into the living room with oven mitts as gloves. As far as Joey’s antics go, this is pretty tame. His mannequin is once again wearing a matching shirt, though. Joey says he is proud of Danny and how far he has come with his sports casting dream. Like, he really stresses it so we know it’s going to really sting hard when Danny inevitably fucks things up.

The kids come running down the stairs and they have gifts – a tie and some odd piece of junk that Stephanie made. They ask Danny to guess what the gifts are, but Stephanie accidentally spoils the surprise. Stephanie made Danny a tie tack and he’s very excited. It occurs to me that I’m 31 and I have never even heard of a tie tack before. I’ve lived a trite and meaningless life.

I thought I had this episode all worked out. I figured Danny would be too afraid or forget to wear the tie tack on TV, hurting Stephanie’s feelings. But, I was way off – more on that later though. Jesse finally has the killer tune to accompany his awful lyrics. This time he accidentally uses the tune for This Land is Your Land. The entire family realizes, and sings the tune. It would seem Jesse is the least qualified person to write songs out of the whole family.

The family is pumped because Danny is about to be on TV. Jesse grabs some snacks, but the obnoxious girls keep demanding he grab more and more things. Again, it’s supposed to be funny as Jesse frantically runs around the kitchen grabbing ice cream, licorice, soda, fruit, and a plethora of other odd items – some of which were clearly empty containers.

It isn’t funny.

I found it incredibly stressful to watch and Stamos almost slips on his heeled shoes at one point. Once Jesse has made it to the top of the stairs with the dozen requested items the girls say they would rather watch TV downstairs. When Jesse says fuck that noise, they have the audacity to say he has a bad attitude. Full House: successfully teaching children to be obnoxious assholes one episode at a time.

Michelle has a cough and based on previous episodes we might expect Jesse’s remedy to involve yelling at her to shut up. Surprisingly, this episode marks a turning point, as both guys actually have their shit together for once. They take Michelle downstairs with them to keep an eye on her while they watch Danny. Danny’s big break starts off as awkwardly as you might expect. Danny has somehow placed himself between a practicing boxer and his coach, so that it becomes almost impossible for him to deliver his intro. He looks like the unprofessional, unprepared buffoon that he is.

We meet the boxer Reggie “The Sandman” Martin, who is on the comeback trail. Whether he took The Sandman Express to get here isn’t confirmed. He plays a cliched boxing type who is full of the thirst to obliterate someone with his fists. Danny’s first question is to ask why the boxer is staging a comeback when he already has a lot of money. He’s been retired for two years, you see. His coach, some stereotypically New Yorker, answers his question for him.

Danny inadvertently shows his tie tack, leading Reggie to ask him what the hell it is. Danny then allows himself to break away from the story to concentrate on his family and the gifts they gave him. It’s a sweet fatherly gesture, sure, but it isn’t very professional.

It becomes apparent that Reggie’s coach is an overbearing control freak who hasn’t allowed Reggie to see his wife in three months. Danny says he thinks it’s great that Reggie still feels so strongly for his wife… considering. Reggie starts to lose his shit, wondering just what Danny is implying by the word considering. Danny has accidentally revealed that Reggie’s wife has moved out on him. It doesn’t seem like a likely scenario.

Although she hasn’t seen him in three months, Reggie stands to make six-million for the fight… and he just came off a two year retirement. Somehow I don’t believe that the wife of a professional athlete couldn’t wait a few months. Anyway, this is all news to Reggie and it devastates him. He’s unable to fight now and Danny’s sports casting goes from bad to worse.

The family is kind of stunned and Danny feels sorry for himself and the shitty job he did. Michelle’s cough comes back so Joey calls a doctor. You read that correctly – he does the most sensible thing he could have done. The doctor suggests they give her a rectal thermometer to check her temperature. They’re not thrilled about it, but they don’t freak out like children either.

It turns out Michelle has a cold. Michelle gives a high five and the audience awwwws. They try to give Michelle her medicine in a spoon. Again, I half expected Joey to put it in his mouth and spit it at her. The guys feed Michelle and then everyone gathers around the TV to hear that Reggie has been KOd.

Danny believes that no blame should be placed but everyone else feels otherwise and he is bombarded by reporters who want the scoop on how he feels. A crazed Reggie is taken through the commotion, screaming that he wants to take down Danny Tanner. Don’t we all, Reggie! Danny decides he needs to go apologize to Reggie, the whole thing is still being broadcast live by the way.

Reggie says it’s not Danny’s fault and he’s glad someone had the guts to tell him the truth. He asks if he knows why she left. Danny says its probably because he was gone for 3 months. Reggie fires his coach. The coach tries to punch Danny in the gut but he is saved by the tie tack that Steph made.

The girls go to bed and the guys try to get the medicine down Michelle’s throat. Just the sight of a spoon going near her mouth is enough to make some of the audience laugh. Danny comes home and collapses from the failure of the night. He says he knows he stunk. Joey says don’t worry Michelle is fine, Danny freaks out and runs upstairs. Danny takes Michelle from Jesse, who is clearly starting to bond hard with her.

The guys dazzle Danny with their ability to answer everything and take care of everything. Danny finally gives them a compliment and thanks them. The guys both come down with a cold also. Danny realizes that he doesn’t care about how bad his interview went tonight because he has his family. The family doesn’t even sugarcoat it, telling him he was indeed terrible.

Joey gives Danny a corny speech about never giving up and tells him that he’s a good reporter and that he will have another chance. Realistically, he wouldn’t – but whatever. Danny feels better and then the guys discuss their favorite part of his awful interview.

Rating: 1/5 – Have Mercy

First, I’d like to point out that the intro to Full House is a good minute and a half long. I remember later on they chop the hell out of it, at least for syndication, but they sure had some extra time to waste in the 80s. Compare that to the Breaking Bad intro which is about 8 seconds long – man they just pissed away advertising money back in the day.

Another garbage episode with a really implausible main plot interwoven with a plot involving Joey and Jesse making progress. The girls don’t really have anything to work with here and their one main scene involves giving their father gifts. Reggie is a fool – I don’t feel sorry for him at all. Danny, also, way above his head – screwing up was inevitable.

Episode 08: Season One – Jesse’s Girl

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It’s nighttime and the sights and sounds of lightning and thunder fill the Tanner house. Jesse creeps downstairs with a baseball bat. Joey, who I’ll remind you sleeps under the stairs, wakes up at the exact moment Jesse is near him and almost gets clocked in the head with a bat. The two startle each other – obviously. Their girlish screams alerts Danny, who manages to get out of bed, put on a robe, and make it down the stairs in literally about 1.3 seconds.

Grabbing a nearby giant Mr. Potato Head – which would be unlikely for any other character on TV – Joey remarks that Jesse was about to “Mash his potato”. Jesse states that he heard a noise and thought it was a prowler. Understandable… maybe Joey should tell us what made him suddenly wake up the second Jesse was in front of him. Bad writing? Got it.

The girls come downstairs as Jesse and Danny approach the door. They sneak up from behind and say hello which is enough to make the men jump out of their skin. Jesse and Joey kind of get into it and there is hint of some sort of unresolved tension between the two. I’m thinking we’re about to get some sort of flashback episode. Danny suggests they hug, because he’s an idiot, but Jesse isnt having any of that. And yep – thoughts confirmed, we’re about to get some back story.

Danny lets the girls stay up to hear the story – ‘cuz, why not, and Jesse launches into the story. The extermination business (which I guess they’re still pretending is his day job) was slow so Jesse decided to start teaching guitar: cue sitcom disolve effect. We fade back in on Jesse hard at work on another song – which goes like this:

She’s a lady. (no) She’s a woman. (no) She’s a muchacha… Maybe she’s a man.

Cringe! DJ lets Jesse know that his new student is here. Jesse is of course immediately taken by her. Some other lines are spoken and somehow despite not even being remotely humorous, the audience laughs at them. Why am I still surprised by this? Because I live on planet earth. Because I’m not crazy. I’m pretty sure these people are just happy to be out of the house. How bad was it living as an adult in the 80s?

Stephanie comes in and tells Jesse her Mr. Teddy is missing its head. Full House could have taken a drastically different turn at this point, but alas, this dialog ends with Jesse promising he’ll fix it later. Jesse says he’s going to teach this new broad two cords, and half way through is hitting on her quite obviously. Can’t a woman just get a simple guitar lesson you disgusting sleaze bag. After his simple lesson, Jesse launches into some of the songs she can now play – which is really just an excuse for him to dreamily sing I Can’t Help Falling in Love – as he moves closer and closer toward her face. Tap the fucking brakes, creep.

Cut to later, Jesse and her have gone out after the lesson for picnic on the bay and a candle light dinner in the wine country. Goddamn, is this a first-anniversary or a first date? Hell, I’m not even sure it was an actual date. Jesse says he had a great time and kisses her on the lips. The kids ewww.

Cut to the kitchen Joey and Danny are inspecting dirty dishes as Jesse walks in. The guys recognize he’s in one of his stargazed moods regarding women. Joey and Danny rib Jesse on his way with women. Danny launches into a story about Pam, his dead wife – always a feel good topic – incidently, Bob Saget almost screws up his line. The guys talk about how true love isn’t real and Jesse says he knows it is because he can’t stop smiling. Well, Jesse – maybe you’re just a weirdo. He says he’s smiling away like he’s Nancy Regan. The thing that sucks about Full House is that I’m not sure if that’s a Reagan reference I’m just not getting or, probably more likely, it’s just a random MadLib-esque joke that makes no fucking sense. Did Nancy Regan smile a lot? Whatever, time to fade out of the flashback.

Now it’s time for Joey to tell everyone what he did that day. It was rainy and he was getting ready to watch The Wizard of Oz with Danny and the girls… DISOLVE. Danny is excited, he describes the movie in the most awful way concenrating only on the dark twisted parts. Corrina comes to practice guitar – Jesse isn’t home yet so they ask if she wants to watch The Wizard of Oz with them. She says yes and it’s her favorite movie. The TV won’t work – cable is out. Stephanie is upset but Joey is here to save the day. He remarks that he does “that Wizard of Oz bit in his act”. Buckle your seatbelts, this is surely going to be fucking agonizing.

So naturally Joey actually has all of the stuff just sitting there because, well, the living room is also his bedroom. Joey tells everyone to gather around and starts making tornado noises and crying “Auntie Em, Autie Em” while skipping around. Just like in the movie. He pulls out some handle bars and does the Wicked Witch laugh and then spins a house on a stick. This is a bit he does in his act? Like regularly? He’s rehearsed this? Even for prop comedy – which is unquestionably the lowest form of entertainment – this is simply awful.

Now we launch into the lions, and tigers, and bears oh my part – which he includes the girls on (even though one of them hasn’t even seen the movie before), followed by a fairly decent, yet somehow still cringeworthy, Cowardly Lion medley. Next, the great and powerful oz which is… Abraham Lincoln’s head on a stick – not even surprised any more. And then wicked witch melts, and then there’s no place like home… and a round of applause. Congrats, Joey – you just condensed Oz into 78 seconds of mediocrity.

Joey asks what everyone thought. Stephanie isn’t thrilled and demands the TV is fixed. Corrina says she loved it. So did Danny (no surprise). Since the TV didn’t work it’s time for bed… wait, what? They were just about to sit down for an hour-and-a-half long movie but because the cable is out they have to go to bed? What kind of sadistic parenting is this? “Theme park is closed for winter, kids so let’s go home and euthanize the puppy”. “The supermarket was out of ice cream so we’re going to the doctor to get some injections. Lots of ‘em.” Anyway, Danny’s awful parenting leaves Joey alone with the girl and the girl is definitely attracted to Joey. She thinks he’s very mature and funny. He has a fucking dollhouse on a stick – in his bedroom – and that bedroom is a sleeping bag under a fucking staircase. He’s the exact opposite of mature. He’s the kind of man you run from. She wants to see Joey if he’s not seeing anyone.

This freaks out Joey who goes to go on to randomly check for things in the kitchen – probably a pot, a meat rack, and a towel incase they wanna have sex later on. She says she’s not that into Jesse. Joey doesn’t wanna risk breaking the guy code – which existed even in the era of mullet haircuts. But she pushes him further and they smooch a few times – increibly without Joey making trumpet noises. I kissed *mouth trumpet sound* a girl! Then Jesse walks in one them. Uh oh. Cue a face sadder than a presentless child on his birthday. We fade back in from this flashback and Jesse is talking about how Joey kissed the woman of his dreams. Really, dude? I know you just took her on a 9 hour, I’m-ready-to-propose-to-this-girl date but woman of your dreams is a little strong.

Jesse is upset and confrontational. He wants answers. Joey gives an idiotic story about sucking cheese out of her mouth instead of kissing her. Jesse doesn’t wanna give the guitar lesson anymore. Joey confesses that Corrina wasn’t really choking on cheese and Jesse asks her to leave so he can talk to Joey.

Jesses chases after Joey and Joey runs and grabs Michelle to use as a shield. Joey confesses that he also felt an instant attraction to Corrina. They both instantly fell in love. Joey says that Corrina likes her more. Danny comes in and thinks they’re fighting over with one Michelle likes more and makes them give her a kiss.

Even though the story didn’t really have a resolution, nor was it much of a story to begin with, the girls have to go to bed again – this time in the present. DJ interjects, though – pointing out that they never found out how the story ends. I was expecting the story to just end right there since the writers typically aren’t sticklers for details – or any of the generally expected elements of storytelling. Off to bed they go anyway.

Danny wants a resolution. He wants them to hash it out. He asks them several basic questions about her, none of which they can answer. They don’t even know what color her eyes are. Danny doesn’t think they fell in love with Corina, they fell in love with being in love. Jesse says he’s upset because he just wants to meet “the one” – Danny says he doesn’t have to try so hard. He’ll know when its the right one. Joey admits that he was carried away too – he was shocked that Corina liked him as much as he liked her. Someone finding Joey tolerable is something I find surprising too.

The guys patch things up. There’s another sound at the door. Jesse says he knew he heard something. It’s Corina. Um… has she been sitting outside for 20 odd minutes? They invite her in. She explains that she came to apologize earlier, heard fighting and left, and then decided to come back again (world’s most convenient timing). She says they’re both great and she doesn’t wanna ruin their friendship. She’s ready to leave but Jesse insists that she gets to know Joey a little better. Joey kisses the girl and the two girls, who weren’t in bed afterall, say ewwwww.

Full House has some of the worst attempts at writing that I have ever seen. I’m not exaggerating, either. The way this episode is constructed is basically this: “Fuck you, idiot – stuff happened!”

Episode 09: Season One – The Miracle of Thanksgiving

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The episode starts off with Danny sticking a puppet turkey through Michelle’s door and saying gobble, gobble, gobble. No the turkey puppet isn’t Joey, although you’d be forgiven for thinking it might be.

Good news for Michelle, she has an opportunity that only comes along once in her “career as a baby”. This joke makes Michelle laugh – it’s good to finally learn how old you have to be to find the “humor” in this show funny. Also, I know it’s kind of mean to make fun of a freakin’ baby, but since that baby is a grown up billionaire, fuck it – damn that’s an ugly kid. So what is this opportunity, anyway? Saying the word ‘turkey’.

Danny then has the perfectly normal idea to plop Michelle’s ass on top of Jesse’s head until he wakes up. It works, because no one wants a soiled diaper sloshing away on their neck. They go down stairs to wake up Joey, who springs out of bed full of the kind of ain’t life grand energy that usually precedes a song in musicals. Danny has some bad news – it’s snowing in Tacoma which means his mom can’t come and cook the turkey for them. Joey is unfazed by this news, because he believes they can fix everything thanks to the Miracle *mouth trumpet sound* of Thanksgiving.

Jesse wisely points out that Joey is an idiot and that there’s no Miracle of Thanksgiving. There’s a miracle of Christmas, Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, Miracle Whip – but no Miracle of Thanksgiving. Joey points out that if the pilgrims had landed in Florida they’d all be eating flamingo. Very good, Joey. All Danny knows is everything has to be perfect because it’s the kids first thanksgiving without their mother. Again, Joey is nonplussed – because everything will be fine thanks to the Miracle *mouth trumpet* of Thanksgiving.

Cut to the kitchen and the guys are trying to work out how to make Thanksgiving dinner. Given that they’re reading very basic directions like “melt butter” and it’s kind of confusing, it’s a pretty good indication that they’re completely over their heads. I anticipate a transition effect that shows the kitchen in complete disarray in 3… 2… 1. The girls come into the kitchen and announce Happy Thanksgiving. The producers, obviously aware that the baby gets easy laughs, have her ride her toy motorcycle in and pops a wheelie. Cute. A trained monkey could do that.

Danny breaks the news that grandma won’t be coming and that they’re all going to have a great Thanksgiving at a restaurant instead. Stephanie is fine with it but to add a little emotional drama DJ gets all pouty and says the idea stinks. Since they’ve been milking the dead wife angle for a few episodes, the writers decide to take a drive down dead mom avenue. DJ points out that mom always made Thanksgiving dinner and they should have it at the house.

DJ points out that she knows how to make the pumpkin pie and that she can make the turkey too. Well, uh… okay – I guess that solves it? And hey, suddenly Jesse realizes he can do a bunch of stuff with yams and Joey is known in some parts of the world as Mr. Vegetable. And with one more – but surely not the last – Miracle *mouth trumpet* of Thanksgiving we transition to the family dancing and singing around the kitchen to Get Ready Here I Come. After they’re all done doing the Watusi with bowls of green beans Joey holds up the turkey and says the Miracle *mouth trumpet* of Thanksgiving. Alright already, dude – we get it… you can make some noises.

Everyone makes sure to give DJ extra credit since she was the one who put together the whole thing. It’s nice of them, but it will surely backfire if something happens to have gone wrong. And… cue something wrong – the turkey is frozen. I guess that’s bound to happen when you let a 10-year-old do your cooking… oh wait, Joey had nothing to do with the turkey. Danny is sure to lather on some extra compliments while Joey and Jesse try to work out what’s wrong with the turkey. DJ is so glad everything turned out great, just the way her mom did it last year. Jesus. Talk about laying it on thick. Alright Full House writers – we get it, let’s cut to the scene where her whole world falls apart.

DJ senses there’s a problem in the kitchen – a problem with her turkey. The guys all assure her that there’s nothing wrong, and a little part of me hopes they launch into another impromptu song and dance number to prove it. Not because it would be funny, but if you’re creating a train wreck – the more trains the better. Danny puts the turkey back in the oven and there’s a ring at the doorbell. In less than a dozen episodes in, I know by now it could literally be anyone at the door. Will it be an old girlfriend? Grandma? The pizza guy from episode 2?

It happens to be two women who don’t yet realize they’re in the wrong house until they’re literally inside the house. They ask to use the phone because cell phones don’t exist it. The girls just happen to be carrying a warm turkey – just what the men need. They send the girls upstairs and Danny says this is the miracle of thanksgiving. He doesn’t make a trumpet sound with his mouth either. The turkey the women are holding was meant for them. Danny tells Jesse to convince the girls to stay. Danny dims the lights, while Joey suggests he go fetch some traditional Pumpkin Margaritas.

Jesse tries to work his magic but the women have husbands. So Danny offers a bunch of cash for the turkey. Meanwhile in the kitchen Joey gets his tongue stuck in a bottle. Then he gets the bottle stuck in a chair while trying to pull it out. At the same time the turkey starts burning. What next? He gets his foot stuck in a bear-trap? Joey runs into the living room like a maniac and scares the women away. Everyone rushes into the kitchen and finds the turkey burned to a crisp. Danny tells DJ its all his fault because he burned the turkey to a crisp because it was frozen. DJ feels awful. Stephanie tries to make everyone feel better by reminding them that they still have the pie – which she accidentally drops on the floor.

Stephanie runs off upset because she ruined the pie and DJ runs off upset because she ruined the turkey. Danny runs off to talk to DJ and Jesse pulls the bottle out of goes of Joeys mouth before running to talk to Stephanie. Joey remarks its the miracle *blah blah blah blah* of thanksgiving.

Up in DJ’s room, she tells Danny that he doesn’t have to tell her that she ruined Thanksgiving. Danny assures her that she didn’t screw up. And that he’s thankful that he has her, and that she pulled the whole family together. We get a soft-close emotional talk between DJ and Danny, which involves the sickly-sweet Mom Tanner nugget “Smiles are free, so give them away!” Meanwhile Jesse and Stephanie are in a closet together. Jesse tells her its ok. He gives her a piggy back to a photo album across the room and shows her goofy pictures of him as a kid. Stephanie laughs at his bad hair, which was cut by his sister – AKA Stephanie’s mom. They flip through more pictures, more of her mom.

DJ and Danny come in and grab the others. Jesse stays looking at the album, Danny comes back in and says “are you coming” before realizing seeing the photo album and remarking that the kids look like Pam (the dead wife). This irks Jesse, who is hurting as it’s also his first thanksgiving without his sister. Danny tries to talk to him. He points out that Jesse spent far more Thanksgivings with Jesse than anyone else in the family. Jesse breaks down and asks “when is it gonna stop hurting” – he pours his heart out, talking about how it feels when he sees pictures. Danny reminds him that its hard, but he doesn’t have to do it alone. Danny points out that talking about the memories is a good way to keep a person alive. They share a laugh over a picture of Pam and then reunite downstairs for a burned turkey.

Danny says grace and they curve the black turkey.