john posey

Episode 00: Season One – Unaired Pilot

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Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)


The Full House intro begins typically enough… except who the hell is this? John Posey? Who the fuck is this guy?! Apparently that’s what the producers said, too, because he only appears in this unaired pilot before being executed… or, I guess, simply replaced with Bob Saget.

The episode starts in the Tanner living room, as the eldest children, DJ and Stephanie, are begging their grandmother not to leave. The first thing anyone from San Francisco will notice is… who are these people… millionaires? Look at the size of that living room. Hell, I know people who would pay $1000/month to live under their staircase. Not like Harry Potter in a cupboard under the stairs, either – like, in the dark, under the floorboards with cobwebs for pillows. I’m one of those people.

Don’t leave me alone with this man.

Anyway, grandma has been helping take care of the family since Danny, the father, tragically lost his wife… but is time for her to go. As a replacement, Danny has arranged for his immature best friend Joey, and his dopey, mimbo brother-in-law Jesse to move in. That will certainly make up for the lack of any female role models in the house. The kids are bummed about having to share a room. Understandable. First their mom dies; next they’re sharing a room. In terms of childhood disappointment – those things probably take gold and silver, and not necessarily in that order.

What next? They find out Joey is a man-child with a penchant for doing annoying, outdated cartoon voices? But first we meet Uncle Jesse, who arrives his motorcycle, a guitar, and a helmet. It’s all you really need to know about his character and over the course of the show’s run they never really flesh the character out beyond that either.

Next up, the man-child, aka Joey, finally makes his grand entrance – complete with a trumpet sound from his mouth no less (soon to be a character staple). He proceeds to dump his dirty clothes on the floor. He declares that he’s happy to be somewhere that has a washing machine because today he’s officially out of clean clothes. Yep, exactly the successful type you want rubbing off on your three impressionable children. Did I mention neither one of these fools will be paying rent?

Meet Joey the Jackass…

Joey tries to entertain the kids with some Popeye impressions and cringe worthy sound effects, but it only makes them desire grandma more. I could relate… and my grandmother has been dead for almost a decade. If your comedic material makes children long for their grandmother, you might want to work on that material. (Spoiler: he doesn’t. He uses it for seven more seasons). Even the audience feigns laughter here… and the audience is a fucking laugh track.

Ever the ones to wear their emotions… everywhere… the girls have set up a divider down the center of the room. Naturally. Joey, keen to be the center of embarrassment, attempts to limbo under the divider set to the tune of some ridiculous music he makes – you guessed it – with his mouth. Why? There’s no sarcastic remark here… seriously… why? Did Joey limbo under the caution tape at the location of their mom’s fatal car crash too?

Read the subtext, you fucking clown, there’s a divider up because they’re upset. They don’t want your ridiculous, ill-timed noises fucking up their lives even more. We’ve only seen this character on screen for a couple of minutes and I am already asking… can he take anything seriously?! Having watched this show for more than two thirds of my life, the answer is a resounding *mouth trumpet sound* no!

… the world is his playground…

But hold on, the writer is about to shake things up again. That’s right – Alt-Danny is leaving for the night and he is placing Joey and Jesse in charge. It seems like a sensible idea, given that they’re both immature and have never taken care of a baby before – let alone two other children as well.

The obvious set up here, though, is that they’re guys, and we all know that men have no idea what to do with babies. Will they cook Michelle alive? Go to the supermarket and accidentally leave her trapped in a freezer? Try to wash her clean with a hose? The opportunity for failure is endless because they’re stupid fucking men and we all know that men have no idea what to do with babies!

The insanity starts almost instantly, and after an episode with almost ten minutes of zero hilarity, I’m ready for a laugh. This could be it. Michelle is fussy so Joey comes up with the idea to spit soda around the room like a sprinkler. Somehow it doesn’t calm her but, less surprisingly, it fails to entertain me. Is it the fact that she’s getting wet that upsets Michelle? Or merely the fact that even a baby knows a pathetic, unnecessary gag when she sees it?

… and he’s a real fucking asshole.

So Joey comes to the realization – with the kind of dreaded pause you might witness before someone uses Voldemort’s name out loud – that Michelle might need to be changed. Uh oh. Every man’s fear. Changing a baby. It’s like women changing a car tire. It cannot be done. Cannot! Now we’re in for some laughs.

The children, I mean men, carry Michelle downstairs to the kitchen. Not like they’re carrying a baby, though. They hold her like she’s strapped with hand-grenades… that are sprinkled with anthrax… and covered in AIDS needles. Why? Because they’re men and that’s just how men act. Now, first of all – I’m a dad so let me point out it isn’t that hard to change a baby. Even if you have never changed one before. Might you fuck it up the first time? Sure. Might the fear of that be comparable to cutting the wire on a bomb? No. So you get shit on your fingers, we’re in the first world here, wash them and move on with life.

Next, I can’t fathom why Danny didn’t anticipate the baby needing to be changed. Yes, we wouldn’t have an episode if he did but let’s be realistic. It’s utterly irresponsible to leave your baby with two people who have obviously not been taught where even the most basic materials are. And that brings me to the biggest point: why are they bringing her downstairs? Her room is almost certainly full of diapers and probably even a changing table and diaper pail. The kitchen? Really?! We’re lucky they didn’t try to change her in the oven.

Some ugly baby, huh?

Which, sadly, brings us to the next scene… the men don’t know where to put the baby to stop her from rolling around so they decide to put her in a pot. And you thought I was being ridiculous when I suggested they might cook her alive. Uncle Jesse, seemingly aware that it is a dumb idea, points out that Michelle is a living thing… and suggests they use a meat rack as well. Yeah… that’s pretty… weird… and not at all logical or funny. But they’re stupid guys, right? So let’s let this one slide.

They place a meat rack in a pot and cover it with a towel… because… um? Anyway, yeah, off comes the diaper. Crazy Joe Davola… I mean, Joey Gladstone, takes off the diaper and surprisingly he doesn’t use a blow torch. He does, however use some tongs, and stores the filthy diaper away an air tight Tupperware container. Hey, Joey, do you use tongs when you wipe your ass too? You immature fuck.

Next Joey uses the kitchen sink hose to wash Michelle’s butt, followed by a conveniently placed fan to dry her. But where the hell are the diapers?! They’re not in the kitchen… surprisingly… I mean, it’s the first place I would keep them. Right next to the Corn Flakes! So the clever men must improvise – making do with paper towels and a garbage bag. Oh, men! We’re so fucking stupid. So impossibly fucking stupid.

Fucking seriously guys?

Danny arrives home to find the men have burned through an entire wardrobe of baby outfits, which they’ve inconsiderately, and implausibly, dumped in a pile in the living room (must have been Joey’s idea). Just then, the door bell rings and it’s one of Jesse’s girlfriends. And boy is she… 80s-looking. Stephanie reveals that DJ has run away from home and of course Joey and Jesse are on the hook. Joey and Jesse, the two immature nitwits that no one in their right mind would leave a hamster with, somehow dropped the ball. Was it before or after they changed a baby on a meat rack?

Danny is, of course, furious – having been gone seven whole hours and providing zero instructions. Turns out DJ ran away… and hid… at home… in the garage, and she’s on the phone talking to her friend. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the one and only Kimmy Gibbler. We’ll learn more about this freak later, but for now, all you need to know is Gibbler has her own phone. Again, as a parent, screw this kid and the expectations she’s setting for other kids. There’s always one kid who has to get something completely unnecessary before everyone else and set an annoying, nagging precedent that all the other kids expect to follow. A ten-year-old with their own phone? Surprisingly, I guess some things never change.

Danny lays down the law – and we find out DJ stands for Donna Jo (no wonder she goes by DJ). Joey provides us with another stupid voice and Danny asks Jesse to talk to his daughter about the situation. I mean he’s been absent all night; he may as well have someone else take care of his kid now, too. Jesse explains that the world is not a perfect place, as evidenced by the fact that Bruce Willis has a record deal. What a joke for the ages. Another sign that the world isn’t a perfect place? A drunk driver just killed their mom and they’ll never see her again. But a balding action star recording a gold certified album is definitely a much softer blow. Good call on that, Jesse.

Something… something *laugh track* something… something.

Jesse tries to bribe DJ into moving back to her room with cash, which she accepts – perhaps the only believable aspect of the episode. Kids, like adults, can absolutely be persuaded with cash – it is a goddamned life saver. It isn’t long, though before Danny finds out how Jesse managed to convince DJ to move back, and he’s forced to dump feeding Michelle in the hands of whichever body happened to be closest in order to talk to DJ himself.

Danny asks if she can just try sharing a room with her sister and reveals his vulnerable side when he points out her mom was a much better parent than he was. No shit, Danny. Frankly, their mom could have been a spicy chicken wrap to do a better job, but I digress. Danny asks DJ what her mom would have done to solve the situation, to which DJ explains, their mom would have caught her before it ever got this far. No doubt. Next we have the first of the series trademark Full House Heartfelt Moments. This is one that anyone who’s been a parent for more than, say, one day, might anticipate.

Unsurprisingly, DJ explains that she’s upset because she lost her mom, her grandma left, and she doesn’t even have her own room. You don’t even need to be a parent to see that coming. She’s upset because she’s losing everything – and sitcom characters aside, I hardly think the two morons her dad moved in are the kind of people she needs right now.

I know now why you cry but it’s something I can never do.

Danny explains that he knows how the girls feel – he misses their mom, too. The good news is they still have him. This probably might have meant a lot more if he wasn’t completely absent the second grandma left, leaving his emotionally vulnerable children with Joey and Jesse. Yeah, I think the problem, Danny, was that they didn’t have you… they had dumb and dumber running around the house wrapping babies up in garbage bags, you know, like madmen.

Danny somehow pulls a convincing speech out of his head, as he’ll do for many episodes to come, that consoles the children instantly. They’re a team. He loves them. And they love him. Everything is wrapped up in a neat little bow and we get a cute little joke to break the lump that has formed in our throats. I’m referring to an emotional lump, by the way, I’m not insinuating Full House causes throat cancer. Despite the fact that the first night went completely went off the rails, Danny, is optimistic. He thinks everything went great, and who am I to argue? None of the kids died, after all.

The episode ends with Danny saying Michelle needs a song to fall asleep. Alarm bells go off inside Joey’s head. It’s his time to shine, and he sings the only song he knows the lyrics to: the theme to The Flintstones. Honestly… in real life, this man would have been slaughtered by the end of the first act. The entire family joins in, and I legitimately wonder how people put up with this sickening level of phony wholesomeness. Or is this how normal families act? If so, I’m glad to have grown up in an impoverished, broken home, where my school lunch was always a disappointment and no one sang me to bed at night, and when I shit my pants, I wasn’t sautéed clean in a fucking saucepan.

Start the reactor.

 

RATING: 1/5 – Have Mercy

Okay, so Danny’s wife is dead, but just what kind of dad was he before she died? It’s as though he’s just becoming a father now. He has a ten-year-old daughter for crying out loud – is this stuff really that new to him? The children come across pretty convincing enough, though. Eager to exploit for money, all too aware that adults are a never-ending source of amusing failure.

Uncle Jesse is hardly a necessary component in this family. He defers almost everything to Joey, who isn’t even a relative. As for Joey, I honestly would rather invite Freddy Krueger into my home. This guy has the maturity of a child and solves almost all of his dilemmas with dumb noises he makes with his mouth. Do you know who else does this? Mental patients. Do you know who does it less than Joey? Mental patients.

Quote of the episode:

“The world is not a perfect place… Bruce Willis has a record deal!”

new danny

Episode 01: Season One – Our Very First Episode

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Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)

This is more or less identical to the pilot – as in, it actually uses much of the same footage. There’s a couple of minor changes, but it isn’t worth me writing an entirely new write-up. I will admit, however, that Bob Saget is a much better fit for the role of Danny Tanner. Now it is odd that I am not choosing this – the real episode – to provide the actual write-up for but I thought it would be more interesting to document the John Posey version.

two men and a baby

Episode 02: Season One – The First Night

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Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

The episode starts off with Joey and Jesse changing Michelle’s diaper – because they didn’t milk the shit out of that situation in the last episode. Jesse proudly announces that they have beaten their previous best record – changing the diaper in… A whopping 17 minutes. I assume this is supposed to show how far they’ve come since their last miserable attempt… but all I can focus on is how pathetic that is. Joey has an idea to wrap Michelle in three diapers so they don’t have to change her as often.

Now, anyone with a brain will question how on Earth this makes sense but let’s remember these are the guys who placed her in a pot and spat soda on her in the last episode. Joey, you tool, if Michelle fills up the first diaper it doesn’t matter how many other diapers are strapped to her ass. The old diaper doesn’t just wither away, falling to the ground like one of the rose petals in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. It stays there and so does the piss and shit contained within. I can only imagine Joey also wears seven pairs of underwear so he only needs to change his underpants once a week.

The diapers hang awkwardly off Michelle, and must be contained within an outfit, which they haphazardly tie around her body as though they’re dealing with anything but a living, breathing baby. It doesn’t work, but instead of going back to the drawing board they wrap another outfit around the top of her body. What we’re left with is basically a pile of rags with an Olsen sticking its ugly head out. It is worth noting this is a fashion style Mary-Kate would adopt for real later on in life.

The humble origins of Hobo Chic.

Danny walks in and the two morons proudly trumpet their achievement – thankfully sans Joey’s actual trumpet sounds. Instead of being horrified, Danny finds it quite comical and makes a joke about Tarzan that the stupid audience eats up – almost as much as Bob Saget himself. Joey holds Michelle to his face and makes that chipmunk kind of voice of his; delivering a dumb little speech as though it’s Michelle talking. The two nitwits then leave Danny with Michelle and we cut to Jesse hanging an Elvis poster on his wall. This upsets Stephanie because he has placed it over some of the pink bunnies that cover the entire room. It is starting to become apparent why the rent here is free. Jesse and Joey can’t do anything here.

Danny enters and tells Steph it is time for bed. This is far too normal an approach for Joey, who is trolling the hallways looking for an opportunity to be an assclown. He doesn’t waste a second, either. He comes crawling into the bedroom on his hands and knees huffing and puffing through a fucking harmonica. Good idea, Joey, that’s sure to get Stephanie all mellow in time for bed. Joey crawls his way to DJ and Steph’s room and reminds them both that his ‘Sandman Express’ runs every night. Stephanie begs for a bedtime story and Joey has another winning idea: all three men should take turns telling part of the story.

Danny starts off and his story is not surprisingly uncreative and boring. So they cut to Joey who half-asses something about being in a 7-11, which is just an excuse to do an impression of Bullwinkle. In a moment that restores a little of my faith in this show, the children don’t find this funny at all. In fact, they look at each other as though this guy is a complete fucking loser. The story, which is about Cinderella marrying Bullwinkle at this point, goes completely off the rails with the addition of a wolf and a trip to Sweden. Then, much like most of my sexual escapades the story comes to a sudden and unsatisfying climax.

The Sandman Express runs every night and is surprisingly free to ride.

Stephanie hands Danny a bunch of books to read, which Danny tries to palm off on Joey and Jesse. They’re not having any of that. You wanna try to be a dad at some point, Danny? We cut to later that night as all three men are trying to leave the house at once. Danny explains to them that they can’t all leave unless they’re taking all three children with them. It would seem like the children are your issue, Danny, and that these guys are already doing more than their fair share of raising them. Sure they’re completely incompetent, but back the fuck off, man.

Jesse explains that he has band rehearsal and Joey has to practice his stupid voices at the local comedy club. Oh, sorry guys were you attempting to actually have a life? Your life takes place entirely within this house now! Danny needs to go to work which means Joey and Jesse aren’t going anywhere. Danny points out that he has a job that actually pays money, a fair point since he’s evidently responsible for providing food and shelter for everyone in the house.

Joey and Jesse get into an argument about what is more important – music or comedy. It turns into an incredibly unfunny bit where they go back and forth naming musical and comedy acts in an effort to one up each other. Joey and Jesse make a run for the door, Joey wins, leaving Jesse to watch the kids. The girls immediately sneak out of bed and run to the kitchen to get ice cream and cookies. Uncle Jesse does his best attempt at being a disciplinarian – allowing them to eat ice cream and cookies but not giving in on their desire to drink milk. We cut to DJ and Stephanie’s bedroom, which now contains tubs of melted ice cream.

Y’all be stepping on people’s feet and hitting one another.

The girls are completely spun out of their minds, jumping rope and doing hyperactive-seizure-dancing – also known as just how white people dance. We cut to downstairs where Jesse has brought his freak-show band to practice. His band mates seem to consist of a current/former meth addict, a carnival worker, that female disguise Schwarzenegger uses in Total Recall, and a random skank. The drummer’s drum sticks are replaced with licorice sticks because Jesse doesn’t want to risk waking the girls.

They then attempt to play Jumpin’ Jack Flash without actually making any noise. I must commend Jesse on his music choice, because I remember later in the show his stupid band is playing crap like Doo Wah Diddy Diddy and Itsy Bitsy Spider. Perhaps awoken by the sound of Redvines making contact on the drums, the girls run downstairs and ask to watch the band play. DJ asks the skank if she can teach her how to make her hair purple and the doorbell rings where it is revealed that the girls have also ordered a pizza. DJ even pays for it herself.

The pizza guy sees the random, generic band and he asks if he can stay a while and listen. This makes sense because… it’s something that would almost certainly never happen. Ever. Seeing as it isn’t her band and she’s a child who should be in bed, DJ takes it upon herself to say yes, and invite the stranger inside the house. No one objects. The pizza guy high fives the guy with the keytar as though they’re now best friends. He then proceeds to “rock out” – although it looks more like he’s having convulsions.

Two Weeks.

We cut to later in the night; the girls are dancing around like fools, purple hair and all. The skank is shimmying her ass across the room, shaking a tambourine (apparently that’s what she brings to the band). Just when you think this room couldn’t be filled with any more failure, Joey returns from the comedy club and screams… conga. They’re a rock band… but close enough Joey, you fucking moron. He starts a conga line with the pizza guy, who has been chilling at the house for hours at this point. Everybody starts conga dancing.

Since this is a sitcom, it’s at this exact moment that Danny bounds through the door.

Danny does the one thing he is truly good at: blaming the people he should be grateful for. You know the ones who are raising his children while he’s constantly at work? Joey tries to save his own skin before revealing a possible reason for all of his stupid behavior he’s… a congaholic. The audience loves it. Jesse admits he screwed up and Michelle starts crying in her room. Joey sees this as an opportunity to make some dumb noises and everyone runs upstairs to check on the baby. It turns out Michelle is getting a new tooth.

Look at me! Look at me! Look at me NOW!

Jesse sticks his finger in Michelle’s mouth instantly calming her. Danny then guilt-trips Jesse, calling him out for being a completely immature letdown. In doing so he also fails to take any accountability himself. Danny then goes to check on the other girls, using it as another excuse to rag on Jesse. Satisfied with demonizing Jesse, he turns his attention to the girls. It works and they confess to being the real masterminds behind the chaos. The kids apologize to Jesse as the sappy rendition of ‘Everywhere You Look’ starts to play. Jesse says it’s okay and everyone says they love each other at least once more than necessary.

Danny shows up to send his kids to bed, for, like the 3rd time in this episode and Joey comes strolling in with a carrot. I was expecting a Bugs Bunny reference but surprisingly it doesn’t happen. Danny apologizes to Jesse and explains how much the kids mean to him. He tells them both not to be afraid to say no to the kids.  Joey is confused and makes a reference I don’t understand or care to research. Danny tries to convince Jesse that they can make this crazy situation work. But he does so with the kind of intensity of a chemistry teacher trying to sell a former student on the concept of starting a meth lab. That’s a Breaking Bad reference. I like Breaking Bad.

They talk about family. Joey reveals that he was an only child and had imaginary brothers and sisters… which actually explains… fucking everything weird about him. Danny starts singing Brahm’s Lullaby to Michelle, but he doesn’t know the lyrics after the lullaby and goodnight part. Given that it isn’t the theme song to a cartoon, neither does Joey, so he yells conga and they all conga out of the room. Fuck off, Tanners.

It’s simple… we kill Joey.

Rating: 1/5 – Have Mercy

Danny proves that he’s really not there as much as a father should be. Not only that it becomes perfectly clear that he expects Jesse and Joey to pick up the slack. He has zero sympathy for them when they attempt to leave the house and do something they enjoy. Fuck you, Danny! Jesse’s band is awful – I simply don’t know where they found the people they cast for these roles.

Also, why are people in TV shows so trusting? Inviting the pizza guy inside their home? I don’t even like the pizza guy seeing inside my home. I’ve often waited outside for several minutes so there’s an excuse for me to be there with the door closed. But enough about my social inadequacies…

Joey simply should not be allowed to watch children. Seriously, he’s a complete idiot.

Knowing Joey’s Stupid Diseases:

con·ga·hol·ic

kngg -ˈhl-ik

1
a : of, relating to, or caused by excessive listening of conga music <congaholic hepatitis> b : erratically shouting conga
2
: desire to form random conga lines

enter the gibbler

Episode 03: Season One – The First Day of School

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Finally, things are heating up – with the first real appearance of one of sitcoms’ strangest creatures – Kimmy Gibbler. DJ and Kimmy discuss sitting in the back row at school so they can pass notes to each other. They’re looking forward to school a hell of a lot more than poor Stephanie, who realizes she has nothing to wear on the first day of kindergarten. So far, pretty tame stuff – average problems you might witness in any normal family. Hell, if I didn’t know better I would say this freaky family is finally starting to find its feet. And frankly, I don’t fucking like it.

Kimmy says she’ll sit anywhere as long as it isn’t next to Arthur Wilcox. The thought of this disgusting little creep makes both girls scream ewww in perfect unison. Alright, Full House – is this The Babysitter’s Club? I’m starting to get bored here. Shouldn’t Joey have reared his ugly head by now? I can’t believe I’m actually having Joey withdrawals. Anyway, DJ and Kimmy’s apparent repulsion over Arthur makes Stephanie realize she could find herself on the receiving end of similar teasing.

The girls tell Stephanie the only thing she needs to know in kindergarten is the Pledge of Allegiance, which they rattle off at an insane speed, intimidating Stephanie even further. Jesse and Joey enter the room, carrying Michelle as though she’s some sort of accessory. You would be forgiven for thinking they’re a gay couple and this is their adopted baby because three episodes in and, you know, they appear to be raising her more than her real dad. Jesse tells Kimmy her parents are downstairs waiting for her.

Kimmy is worried she might get in trouble as it’s the third time she’s been late today. DJ suggests she simply set her watch back thirty minutes, you know, like a deliberate lie. Neither Joey nor Jesse takes the opportunity to recommend an honest approach but who cares because… what the fuck happened to that baby?! She’s completely covered in food. My first guess was that Joey had tried feeding Michelle by putting food in his mouth and spitting it in her general direction. However, it turns out this was all Michelle’s doing – at least that’s the story they’re going with.

Joey and Jesse decide Michelle needs a bath and this time the hose in the kitchen sink isn’t going to cut it. I let out a huge sigh of relief when Jesse opens the shower curtain to reveal Joey standing there wearing a life preserver, a swimming cap, and a pair of goggles. This is the type of bullshit I have been fiending for. Jesse proclaims this sight as the most terrifying shower scene since Psycho, and he’s not far off for once. The girls come running in to watch what will no doubt be some ridiculous shit but they’re kicked out.

It’s at this random moment that Joey finds out that one of the better stand-up comics and his club got sick and he’ll be performing at 9:30 instead of 1:30. Joey points out this is Prime Time. Now, I’ve never run a comedy club, but I would hazard a guess that the club owner would sooner raze the building to the ground than let a comedian that bad on stage.

Joey doesn’t know what joke he should open with which is a good sign he might bomb and this episode might actually find its way into my top 10. We cut to later in the night when Stephanie wakes up DJ to show her the outfit she has picked out. DJ couldn’t care less, so Stephanie pulls out the big guns and starts to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Unfortunately for her she only gets about 25% of it correct, and that’s probably being generous.

We cut back to Joey and Jessie in the bathroom – they’ve just finished bathing Michelle. I can only assume since it took them 17 minutes to change a diaper, that a bath probably takes them about two to three hours. In any case the baby is clean, they didn’t need a pot, and she’s not wrapped in a half dozen towels. They are making progress.

Jesse mentions he has a date tonight and Joey assumes it’s gonna be another exotic dancer. It’s a little surprising given that I would have assumed a squeaky clean show like this wouldn’t mention topless dancers. Joey reveals that he’s been doing comedy since he was four-years-old. From the sounds of things he’s been using that same material this whole time. He’s hoping tonight is his big break and reveals that he’s always just wanted to make people happy.

Jesse finds a way to shift the conversation over to him, saying he knew what he wanted to be when he grew up the moment he saw Elvis Presley in King Creole. Tired of Dave Coulier having a monopoly on embarrassing moments, John Stamos then goes all out with a corny impression of The King. Joey loves it and begs for another song… you know, for Michelle. Sure Joey, for Michelle.

Jesse then finds himself serenading Joey – they gaze stupidly into each others eyes until it becomes apparent that Danny is in the bathroom with them. Danny makes some obligatory I just walked in on something weird comments and picks up Michelle to take her to bed. Three episodes in and once again Danny shows up when all the hard work is done. This can’t be a coincidence.

Danny goes to check on DJ and Steph and is happy to find them both sound asleep because he didn’t come home to take on father duties. Stephanie calls out, “Hi Daddy!” followed by DJ revealing that she is also wide awake. Stephanie shows Danny the ridiculous dress she’s planning on wearing to school, and DJ admits she’s probably to blame for the suggestion.

The next morning they all find themselves in the kitchen at the exact same time.

Joey alludes to the fact that his comedy set didn’t go as well as it could have and Jesse admits that he sang Elvis songs for a lot longer than anyone could have imagined or enjoyed. Danny refers to himself as Chef Boyardad and hypes up his homemade lunches. Hey, it turns out this guy can be a good father after all. Not only that but he managed to make his way to the store to buy Stephanie a new Jetson’s lunchbox.

At first I thought it was an odd choice, until Joey picks it up and starts making futuristic flying sounds. He then launches into impressions of several Jetsons characters. In other words the lunchbox exists purely as an excuse to set up Joey with goofy material. Danny also gets DJ a Barbie lunchbox but she reveals she’s too old for it. The girls are on their way out the door when Danny realizes he might actually want to document this occasion and runs to get his video camera. Danny finds it, it’s conveniently sitting several feet away on a coffee table.

The camera is about the size of an Xbox but it’s the 80s, and no one knows any better so he starts recording the girls with it. Joey and Jesse follow, singing songs because they’re perfectly comfortable with the freaks that they are. After 17 whole seconds of recording Danny decides he has enough footage and the girls leave for school. By this point all three men are singing, their concentration more on themselves than the girls. The audience applauds this ridiculousness… but their triumph is short lived because Steph decides she’s not going to school after all. Maybe they should have sung something else? Or, I don’t know, not been singing at all?!

The guys can’t work out why she wouldn’t want to go to school so they press her to give an answer. It turns out she’s scared because she won’t know anybody and she won’t have any friends. Danny assures her he’ll go down to the school with her and that everything will be okay. Jesse finds a way to switch the focus to him; telling a story about his first time with a college girl – he was only 14. What the fuck? We cut to the school, Steph still has cold feet and she’s not the only one.

Eventually she’s forced to go inside the classroom where she sees a familiar face. It’s Uncle Jesse and he takes it upon himself to hand out milk to everyone in the classroom, compliments of Stephanie. Shameless bribery… and it doesn’t work. So he approaches a girl who is playing on her own, freaking her out in the process. It is at this moment that the teacher decides she should probably inquire into what the fuck this guy’s deal is. She asks who he is, and Jesse lies, saying he’s Stephanie’s dad. The teacher doesn’t appear to give a shit about that, but she does need a hand killing a spider so she leaves the classroom with him for several minutes.

Stephanie is alone for about 1.2 seconds before another strange man strolls his way straight into the classroom. It’s Joey, but it’s good to know that zero fucks were given about school safety in the 80s. Joey decides it’s Duck, Duck, Goose time leading me to question whether or not there is an actual teacher or schedule involved here at all.

This isn’t open mic at the Comedy Store, Joey – you can’t just step up and start leading the students. Or maybe he can – because the kids do play the game of Duck, Duck, Goose before the teacher comes back and asks Joey who he is. She’s clearly an ask questions later sort of gal because this is the second weirdo she’s let have his way with her brand new students. Joey also pretends to be Stephanie’s father, right before Chef Boyardad strolls in and claims he’s the father, too. Everyone can’t be the father! It’s like an episode of The Maury Show from the Bizarro World.

The ADHD-addled writer immediately shifts to a shot of DJ climbing a fence to escape the school – conveniently the fence right in front of the kindergarten window. It turns out DJ was put in the smart class with all the geeks while her friend Kimmy is stuck with the regular kids. So she also wants to literally escape school. Danny explains that it isn’t the end of the world. Steph decides she’s had enough once and for all so Danny almost finds himself in a Mexican stand off with his children. DJ decides she wants to talk to Stephanie woman-to-woman and Danny agrees because he’ll do anything to get out of being a parent.

DJ tells Stephanie she can’t expect to make friends the first day and to give things time. Although there’s no Very Special Moment music, the lesson is to try new things. The bell rings and the girls go back to class and it closes on Stephanie singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider. They grow up so fast!

Rating: 2/5 – Cut. It. Out.

Watching this episode it dawns on me that I also started kindergarten in 1987. That’s the year this episode aired. I’m the same age as the actress who played Stephanie so I was exactly her age here, too. It’s weird to think that when this episode first aired I was still a five-year-old boy who was going through the exact same fears of starting kindergarten. It’s weirder to think all this time later I’m blogging about episodes of Full House. Holy shit, I fucked up big time.

I give this episode an extra point because it actually deals with some actual common themes regarding school. The execution of these themes isn’t very good, however. I really dislike that this family basically just refits the classroom environment to suite the needs of their scared family member. I am sure a lot of kids were scared and they didn’t have a loved one there personally tailoring the experience in their favor.

Episode 04: Season One – The Return of Grandma

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Your Rating
Rating: 2.0/5 (1 vote cast)

The episode starts off with Joey entering the living room carrying a bunch of pots filled with cereal and large wooden spoons, ready to watch cartoons with the kids. Why not actual bowls and proper spoons? Oh, you’ll see. Steph wants to watch Bugs Bunny, but Joey says it’s kids stuff and he’d rather watch Yogi Bear. He’s serious, too. Joey explains that every episode of Bugs Bunny is the same, essentially, you guessed it, just an excuse for him to launch into his cartoon impressions. He does a bunch of voices and Stephanie points out that Yogi Bear is just as formulaic.

Anyway, Danny comes down stairs and comments on the fact that everyone is eating out of pots. He takes Joey into the kitchen and realizes that Joey hasn’t done the dishes this week, even though it was his turn. Why this is a surprise, I’m not sure. There’s clearly days worth of dishes built up and I find it hard to believe no one saw this coming several moons ago.

It’s at that moment that Uncle Jessie comes out of hiding, just in time for a tongue lashing of his own. It turns out Jesse was supposed to be taking care of the laundry, but he didn’t and Danny is pissed. Hmm, hey Danny, maybe neither of them had time for chores because they’re busy raising your three girls? Anyway, it’s time for another one of Jesse’s stories, and if his other tales are any indication of where we’re headed, it’s either going to be weird or sexually explicit.

So alright, it is no coincidence by now, nobody on the writing staff here knows how to have a character tell a story. This is like the third or fourth story that is sounds like a Mad Lib. Stories on Full House all sound like the kind of stories children tell when they make them up as they go along. They move from one unrelated subject to the next with no regard for plausibility or continuity.

Anyway, the gist of it is he was playing with his band in Chinatown and his motorcycle stops, and he almost gets run over by a street cleaner, but he doesn’t… and he ultimately ends up with a live turtle that he has named Bubba. Now the men must hide the turtle because they know the girls are going to want to keep it. I’m not entirely sure why, though – it already has a fucking name and it’s pretty obvious Jesse wants to keep it anyway. Joey hides the turtle under a pot because… he loves pots.

Let’s take a moment to take a look at how many things Joey has used a pot for in just four episodes:

  • He places Michelle in a pot while he changes her (Pilot / Episode 1)
  • He eats cereal out of a pot (Episode 4)
  • He hides a turtle under a pot (Episode 4)

Alright… I could have sworn there were a lot more things.

The kids enter the kitchen and it doesn’t take long for them to notice that the pot is moving. Danny tries to cover by saying it’s dinner, which, would probably freak out anyone who isn’t part of The Addams Family. DJ gets curious and lifts the pot, only to discover it isn’t the roast beef her father claimed it was, but in fact a turtle. The girls promise they’ll help take care of it if Danny lets them keep it but he isn’t sure they’re ready for the responsibility.

It’s at this moment that Steph reveals that grandma is coming to visit, which freaks Danny out big time. Danny is mildly frustrated that Stephanie failed to tell him this important information. He’s about to become even more annoyed, however, when he finds out Joey also knew, and didn’t alert him for the same ridiculous reason as his five year old daughter. The reason? No one specifically asked him if she was randomly coming.

Danny starts to panic because he knows his mom thinks he can’t take care of things and frankly I agree with her. Danny wants to prove he can take care of things himself… which means he desperately needs the help of other people. So they split up duties – Joey does dishes, Jessie does the clothes, and Danny does the floor. Only problem? They’re out of dish soap… and detergent… and floor cleaner. Well, that’s… unlikely.

Cut to later on and my suspicion that Joey is dressing a mannequin up in the exact same clothes that he is wearing is confirmed. This guy is a fucking nut.

The house looks like a disaster zone but all Joey can think about is watching more Yogi. The family readies the supplies for Michelle so they can take her to the store… but somehow manages to forget Michelle. It’s T-Minus 5 hours before mom comes. Danny splits the cleaning duties up while the girls play with a turtle. Grandma arrives earlier than expected to find a turtle sleeping in Michelle’s crib.

It turns out Joey got the time wrong, it was 12:05 not 5:12. Joey’s has another confession… he’s a time-dyslexic. That on top of being a congaholic and a shitty comedian? Now that Danny’s mom is here, Joey and Jesse make a break for it assuming she can clean everything up for them. Yeah, like, seriously. They try to play it off real cool like but can you imagine being that fucking rude? Worse, the guys come back several hours later, smug, and surprised that the house still looks like shit.

Danny tells them his mom doesn’t want to clean up the mess. At this point Joey and Jesse are still playing hardball, even though they’re just as responsible for the mess as anyone else – certainly more than his mom. And in Joey’s case, I would wager a good 60% of this garbage is his. In a plot twist so dumb I couldn’t have possibly seen it coming, Danny’s mom has called Joey and Jesse’s moms and they’re here to help.

Jesse’s mom tells an embarrassing story about when he was 8, but Jesse’s family just can’t hold a candle to Joey and his mom. In a much welcomed return to ridiculous form Joey decides to vacuum the floor. Not with an actual vacuum, though – he uses his body – or to be precise his mom does. Joey puts his hands in roller-skates and makes a vacuum sound with his mouth… while his mom pushes him around by his feet.

Holy shit what the fuck is up with this family?

The rest of the room watches on in disbelief, until Danny’s mom breaks up the moment. I’ll admit I wasn’t even sure if Joey’s mom would recognize her behavior as strange or if the character would also have Joey’s childlike naivety. Thankfully, she does appear to realize it was not the time or place… or at least time. It turns out the moms realize that one of them can come help out every day of the week.

Faced with that awful scenario the men realize they need to step it up or their moms are going to be around all the time. They send the moms off, promising the place will be clean when they return.

It turns out the girls have lost the turtle, which is pretty bad timing because they have a house to clean. They turn the house upside down looking for the turtle so by the time the moms come home absolutely no cleaning was done. The kids apologize, but the grown ups aren’t mad that they lost the turtle. Danny explains he knows it was an accident, and the guys explain they’ll always be there for the girls.

The guys beg their moms for another chance to clean.

I Feel Good plays while Jesse and Danny simultaneously clean and dance around the living room like morons – and they’re soon joined by King Moron, aka Joey. The whole dance routine borrows every single white person dance move there is so, really, no genuinely dancing. It’s a lot of strutting, lethargic butt shaking, and silly faces. It’s very painful to watch and looks like it was probably incredibly embarrassing to perform.

The house is cleaned with seconds to spare and the moms are impressed enough to back the fuck off. That is, of course, until the maid that they secretly had helping them just randomly opens the door and says the bank is closed, and can she please be paid in cash instead. Sprung!

side rant

The way the maid just walks in to the house really bothers me. Who just walks into someone’s house like that? Here’s something that TV characters never seem to respect. Once you’ve say, collected a check for cleaning a house, and you’ve left the house – you can’t just walk back inside several hours later. You need to be invited in. It can even be five minutes later, or even five seconds. If you’re on the outside – you knock and stay there until someone says come in. Why the hell am I over-analyzing this show? I’m the one with the problem. This is a 1800 word cry for help!

end rant

The moms aren’t surprised, or disappointed, and everyone hugs, and then suddenly the missing turtle rides into the kitchen on top of a skateboard. And… wait… oh whatever. Somehow Stephanie found it, I guess – well, that was convenient. Being a writer on Full House sounds like the easiest job in the fucking world. I probably could have written a season worth of scripts in a week. That’s about three episodes a day!

Rating: 2/5 – Cut. It. Out.

Let’s talk about Joey.

I hate this man so much. I find it impossible to view his potential talents objectively, but… people young and old genuinely loved his voices back in the day? I can’t remember what I ever thought of Joey when I was younger. I wish I did. But as an adult, there’s something about the way he does voices that makes him come across as a pompous attention whore.

My feelings towards his voices can be best summed up by a line in So I Married an Axe Murderer when he calls out Colonel Sanders for having a smug look on his face and a cocky view towards his addictive chicken. That’s how I feel about Joey. “Oh, you’re going to laugh at my Scooby Doo voices. Oooooh!” Like if I worked with this guy, and he was always randomly injecting cartoon voices into conversations I would think he was either mental or just an asshole.

That said, his antics in this episode were some of the best so far. The scene where he vacuums the floor with his mouth? Classic. The fact that he suffers from Time-Dyslexia? It’s not funny at all, but as far as character development goes, the writers are building one hell of an irredeemable mess. And I loooove it.