Posts by RAM Burglar

RAM Burglar has been playing games for at least 25 years. Born in Australia, he relocated to the States in 2001 - an N64 and Dreamcast packed snug in his luggage. A fan of SEGA and Shenmue his ultimate dream is to see Shenmue III released.

Episode 12: Season One – Our First Promo

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Kimmy Gibbler is back and… so is the garage, even though it was converted to a room for Joey several episodes ago. DJ asks Kimmy if she wants to stay for dinner. Kimmy says it depends on what they are having. DJ says she doesn’t know because Joey is making it. Yet more evidence that Joey is more or less completely useless.

Picture-001Kimmy passes on dinner, but suggests her dog might be interested. Stephanie appears in the garage and wants to join the conversation but DJ gets upset that she’s interrupting her woman-to-woman time with Kimmy. As Stephanie is about to leave there’s a spooky noise that scares her. DJ says she’s overreacting. Gibbler turns to Stephanie and says she looks like the kid in Poltergeist that gets sucked into the TV and says “They’re back”. 

8Although it doesn’t make me laugh, I think this may be the closest the show has come so far at actually being funny. It’s an appropriately timed pop culture reference, Stephanie does kinda look like the kid, and the line was delivered well by Andrea Barber (Kimmy Gibbler). If Joey was in the room he probably would have simply consisted of him calling her Poltersteph in a stupid voice.

Upstairs in the kitchen an escaped mental patient, also known as Joey, is talking with a ridiculous Japanese accent that would make even Mickey Rooney blush. He’s also flipping food around because dinnertime – like everything – is simply a game to Joey. They keep cutting to shots of Michelle smiling, to appease the throngs of old ladies who probably only watched the show to coo at the baby. Jesse walks in and joins in with Joey’s Japanese voices. Joey says some woman named Brianna called and she will meet him at 8PM.

Who is Brianna? Do we even care? Will this information have any impact on the rest of the episode? The answer is of course no. But for the record she’s apparently someone Jesse had exterminated termites for and her thank you is to go on a date with him – or something. I’m not sure if it has been explained – maybe I missed it, but does Jesse actually ever get paid in cash? In the last episode the limo ride was a thank you from one of his extermination clients, too. Are these people that gracious? I think this is just another example of the lazy writing on Full House.

Anyway, dinner is ready and Joey asks for help setting the table. Did someone say all the hard work is done… because at literally that second, as though he’s been hiding behind a door, Danny jumps out and says he has great news. Did he get picked as a hot, up-and-coming stand-up comedian? If so, I hope he knows how to spit water.

Stephanie is glad her dad is home because she’s still scared of whatever it was she heard. Danny reminds everyone that he had great news to share. Everyone has already forgotten because no one even cares. Danny says all the stations are fighting tooth and nail for ratings and that they’re all putting together a promo for the newscasters. And Danny gets to go first. They do remember that Danny is the one who screwed up the big coast-to-coast boxing fight, right? No one in the family cares until he tells them they will all be on TV with him. Anyway, someone is coming to the house the next day to film.

Enough of Danny’s excitement – Joey tells everyone to chow down. They take one bite and hate it and suggest they get food delivered instead. They decide on pizza… Joey tells them what they were eating was pizza. Later that night the weird noise comes back again as the kids are sleeping. Now DJ is scared as well. They agree to sleep together in the same bed. No sooner has Steph jumped into bed with DJ – the sound comes back again.

They run out of the room screaming.

They ask Jesse to go kill the monster since he’s an exterminator. Steph asks if she can sleep with Danny. Jesse can’t find anything, so Danny ends up curled up in DJ’s bed with the two girls. He tells them to get some sleep because they have a big day tomorrow. They fall asleep on him and he can’t move. He ends up sleeping the night in a cramped and uncomfortable position.

The next morning Joey and Jesse are styling Michelle’s hair. Joey naturally thinks a Pebbles Flintstone-do is the way to go. Thankfully, they decide to simply use a bow. Jesse and Joey hear “the monster” – Jesse says its a ferret and yells to it to come out before it becomes another notch in his belt. Joey shows Michelle how she looks in the mirror and asks for $85 before settling for a kiss. There’s a ring at the door and the girls think it might be the director of the promo. It is. She comes in and they take her coat while Jesse is off looking for the monster.

The director, AKA Roni – which she makes a point of saying is short for Veronica – asks where Danny is. DJ explains that he’s been delayed. Roni walks around framing shots with her hands and the girls copy her. Downstairs Jesse is still looking for the ferret and Joey comes down to find out whats going on. Jesse says to catch a ferret you have to become one with it. Joey does an impression of a ferret in an attempt to do just that. Jesse asks Joey if he fell out of a tree as a kid and, of course, Joey says that he he did.

Jesse corners the ferret and wants to catch it but poor Joey can’t stand the thought of that and opens the garage door to set it free. It doesn’t work and the ferret runs up into a crawlspace. Joey stands there giving the ferret cheer-leading directions as Jesse tries to catch it. He moves the ladder so that Jesse is trapped in the crawlspace and makes Jesse promise he won’t kill the ferret when if he catches him. The girls come downstairs with Roni and, of course, find Joey and Jesse in a stupid position. When Roni sees what the Tanner family looks like as a whole she says “I’m in trouble”.

Danny eventually comes home and finds out that Roni has basically restyled his family. Joey won’t be on TV (honestly a wise move) he will be holding the cue cards. Roni is going to sell the family with style and sophistication. Like anyone at home gives a fuck anyway. They do a dry run with Danny. He comes through the door and says, “ciao family”. They’re apparently Italian now, and even have a dog called Da Vinci that comes bounding into the living room and sits on Danny’s lap. The girls come out with violins and dressed like they’re from several centuries prior.

Danny even has a housekeeper, Jesse, who comes out talking with a terrible British accent and offers everyone tea. The whole thing is obviously stupid looking even to the Tanner family. Roni says they need to focus. Next up is Michelle, who has been recast as an adopted Asian child. Roni says the real Michelle wasn’t right for the part. Well, honestly, as crazy as this lady is, she made at least two good decisions. Danny is upset by this of course – he hates the concept and reinvents the promo himself. He says he’s proud of his family and wants his kids to be played by his kids. Danny decides to direct and Roni gets demoted to holding the cue cards. I guess Danny has the power to do that…?

We cut to some time later, the family is gathered around the TV watching the incredibly corny promo. Danny shows the viewers his stairs and then his slacks and his children – none of which are interesting. I was hoping he would make the cameraman zoom in on Stephanie’s feet, but he doesn’t. The kids pitch the news and tell everyone to watch their dad. They then walk across the hallway and introduce Michelle, Joey and Jesse. Jesse makes Michelle kind-of sing La Bamba and then Danny talks about how he’s a single dad and the guys help take care of his kids. Who. Gives. A. Fuck!

He introduces everyone in the family, as though anyone at home watching would care in the slightest. Joey does the baby voice when Michelle is on TV and everyone laughs their heads off. They’re so in love with themselves. They run into the kitchen for ice cream and then the ferret sound appears one more time. Jesse runs after the ferret and finds it. Jesse keeps his promise and doesn’t kill it. They take it into the kitchen to show the girls but the episode ends before we see their reaction.

So was the promo a success? We never find out. I guess it’s assumed that Danny’s freak-show of a family was just what viewers wanted to see. The ratings war is over and the network and people of San Francisco love him. No, they love The Tanners. And sadly, that’s the actual reality of the situation. This show ran for 8 seasons because people loved The Tanners.

Episode 11: Season One – The Big Three-0

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The title of this episode should be enough to clue you in. It’s birthday themed which means surely the overly-sensitive feelings of at least one of these freaks is going to get severely bent out of shape. Then they’ll have a pity-party. Then they’ll get over it and the shitty music will play. Joey’s opening line, “Alright girls, now not one word about your dads surprise party tonight” puts us right on the rails. Someone is going to fuck up Danny’s big day. Off we go…

But first, I can’t believe that Danny is supposed to be 30 years old or that Bob Saget is actually that age at the time. 80s hair and clothing fashion sure makes people look way older. Anyway, Jesse brings Michelle to the kitchen with him, and he too, reminds Stephanie not to ruin Danny’s surprise party. It’s some pretty good misdirection (and don’t confuse that as a legitimate compliment) because you expect it to be one of those episodes where the surprise is ruined. It isn’t.

Danny plods downstairs and everyone wishes him a happy birthday. He says thanks and reminds them that they can forget that its his birthday and move on. He doesn’t even want to say how old he is. He literally can’t even say how old he is. DJ gives Danny a coupon book from all of the girls as a present. The doorbell rings and everyone rushes to the door for another birthday surprise.

The birthday surprise is a chauffeur driven limo ride for a day. Danny takes the girls to school in the limo and makes Joey and Jesse promise he won’t have a surprise party. They promise, and then flatly ignore the promise and go back to planning it anyway. There’s apparently even going to be a belly dancer. Jesse is going to get Danny’s prized car Bullet fitted for seat covers as a birthday present. Cut to later and there’s some awesomely-awful generic 80s party-music playing. The girls bring in hors d’oeuvres for the party goers and they make poor Jodie Sweetin struggle through some awkward lines as usual.

Jesse is in the backyard with Bullet, which now looks as though it drove off a cliff, rolled through a paint factory, and came to rest in some seaweed. It’s completely trashed. It will be interesting to find out how this happened. We don’t have to wait long as the dialog moves immediately into what happened. In the kitchen, Joey is asking Jesse if something is wrong and Jesse isn’t shy about admitting that there is. DJ, who apparently has some sort of ESP, also comes running in asking if something is wrong because she could feel it.

It turns out DJ is developing women’s intuition – or at least that’s what she says. It’s another abruptly appearing piece of dialog that seems to exist to quickly and lazily get a character where they want them. Jesse takes everyone outside and shows them what happened to the car. Everyone realizes he’s dead meat. One of the party guests comes running in saying Danny is on his way. Jesse hides the present containing the seat covers – since, ya know, there’s no car to put them on anymore.

Danny walks in and everyone yells surprise – much like you do at surprise parties. Danny is happy to see everyone. In a really odd piece of casting the fishing boat captain from Sea Cruise is back. I’ve never really seen a better example of an unimportant character come back to deliver more unimportant lines. Danny thanks Jesse and Joey and asks if there’s any more surprises. I guess Danny has women’s intuition too. Jesse tries to change the subject because it obviously hits too close to home.

A short while later and we’re unwrapping presents, the fishing boat lady has mounted Danny’s bait to remind him how he didn’t catch anything. I was hoping other insignificant characters would pop up and offer presents, too, but sadly that’s the only present we get to see. That is until Stephanie comes running in saying she found another present – of course it’s the seat covers. Danny is excited to find he got some sheepskin seat covers. So excited that he’s going to go try them on the car right at that moment.

Jesse runs after Danny to tell him the truth about Bullet. He tells him the story of how he was leaving Pep Boys and a car crashed into the back of Bullet and sent him down a hill and through a guard rail, into the air and then into the bay. It’s kind of similar to the wacky story that resulted in the family getting Bubba the Turtle. Danny thinks it’s a joke until he goes into the backyard and sees that Jesse was telling the truth. He’s devastated and the sad music comes on.

Danny tries to pretend he’s okay with it. Then everyone reminds him that he isn’t okay with it. And if he is okay with it, he most definitely should not be okay with it. Joey informs him that he didn’t just lose a car – he lost a piece of himself, his entire 20s. Holy shit. I would love to hear what Joey said to console Danny when his wife died. “I just wanted to remind you that you lost your soul mate and, well, you’ll probably never be happy again!” Suitably bummed, Danny leaves everyone by saying it is honestly one birthday he will never forget. He wishes the guys goodnight and goes to bed – even though there’s still a house full of party-goers.

The next day Danny is reading Michelle a book – which just happens to have a car in it, which makes Danny said again. Joey comes in and tries to cheer Danny up. He starts doing that ridiculous baby voice of his and it makes Danny laugh. Danny says he’s also sad because he’s getting older – time is going by so fast. Jesse comes in and asks if Danny is still mad. Danny says no. Jesse says not to go anywhere because he has a big surprise for him. We cut to later and Jesse and Joey have found an identical car to Bullet.

To add a little extra stupid drama to the situation they have to haggle for the car because they only have $11,700 and it costs $12,000. This line is really only thrown in so we know exactly what their budget is and to set up the next scene. As luck would have it, at the exact same time, there’s a guy on the phone willing to pay $12,000 for the exact same car. What are the odds? Zero? Yep. It turns out the other guy is Danny – but neither party knows they’re effectively screwing each other.

Each group outbids the other until the car finally goes up to about $21,000. Both parties realize they can’t actually afford that, so they both give up. Eventually Jesse and Joey get the car for $11,500. They come home to tell Danny the good news but he’s moved on and decided to buy some crusty Wagoneer or something. They show him the surprise in the backyard and Danny realizes they were the ones outbidding him. He decides to keep the new Bullet and comes to terms with the fact that he’s 30. The new car is called Walter and it cuts to a shot of the family driving it across the Golden Gate Bridge to an awful cover of the song Baby You Can Drive My Car.

I can just see the brainless halfwit who probably spent all week trying to come up with a really clever ‘car’ song for the end credits and still came up with Baby You Can Drive My Car. “It’s funny because the episode is about a car and we’re playing it over a scene of them driving it!” Haha. Good one, moron.

Episode 10: Season One – Joey’s Place

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The episode opens with Joey performing Also sprach Zarathustra (think 2001: A Space Odyssey) with his mouth-trumpet while clashing an iron on his clothes. Dave Coulier sure is good at doing the one sound effect that literally everyone else on the planet can do! For the love of Urkel, please stop making trumpet noises with your mouth! The girls come down stairs to watch the madman do his thing. Joey announces that he’s very excited and has great news but he can’t tell them until everyone comes home. Jesse comes home and he too must wait until everyone is there to hear the exciting news.


The girls grow impatient and beg Jesse to make Joey talk! The girls have to endure, in reality, about a 40 second wait before Danny gets home and the whole family is in the kitchen. Once Danny is there Joey reveals that he’s been chosen as – and I quote – “one of the hot, up-and-coming comics to go on a 2 week, 16 college tour.” There’s a little problem though – Joey’s not sure if he should go. He points out that when he moved in he made a commitment to look after the girls and cook and clean and do laundry. And jeez, we all know how good Joey is at all of those things:

Cooking: Despite being called Mr. Vegetable in some circles, has no idea how to do anything in the kitchen just one episode before this. His biggest – if not only – contribution to Thanksgiving dinner was bobbing his head to The Temptations and carrying a frozen turkey to the table. A frozen turkey, I might add, that he didn’t even recognize as being a frozen turkey.

Cleaning: Didn’t do the dishes (his job) for so long that the family ended up eating cereal out of pots. In the same episode expected his mom to clean his mess. Also in the same episode tried to vacuum the floor with his mouth.

Laundry: The day he moved in he dumped all of his clothes on the living room floor. He hadn’t done a wash in weeks. An episode later and he, with Jesse’s help, burned through dozens of baby clothes in one night. These were also just dumped on the floor.

Yep, it’s going to be tragic if Joey isn’t there to help. Danny and Jesse tell him he has to go on the tour. The guys realize they can all pitch in and pick up the slack. Alright, it’s solved – Joey is off on the tour. And I guess we’re going to get to hear his awful jokes. Joey is practicing his act in the living room, complete with a tape recorded laugh track. We hear the punch line to one of his jokes – “That’s not a penguin that’s George Bush” followed by “It’s wonderful to be here at Fill-in-the-Blank-College home of the fighting… Some Animal” after which he plays the laugh track. Danny walks in with a big grin on his face – I guess his default face. Joey explains that the laugh track is just a confidence booster. More like a crutch, Joey.

Danny goes upstairs to work on the week’s basketball blooper reel which as corny as that sounds would surely be more entertaining than Joey’s act. Danny is a little upset that Joey has trashed the living room with all of his possessions. Joey says he will clean up. Stephanie comes running around the living room in her Bumblebee Suit playing Flight of the Bumblebee on her little tape player. This is distracting for Joey, so he leaves looking for a place that’s quiet. He tries Jesse’s room, but he’s playing guitar. He tries Michelle’s room but even Michelle is busy playing with a toy. They’re not so subtle in pointing out that Joey has no place of his own.

We cut to Joey practicing his act in the garage – or should I say practicing listening to the laugh track and complimenting himself. Joey’s next joke is titled Ode to a Fountain and involves him taking a sip of water and spitting it out of his mouth… like a fountain. You may remember this “joke” from the first episode when he did it to try to make Michelle laugh. DJ comes down the stairs and watches him. Joey just spurts water around – including on the window of the VW parked downstairs. DJ remarks how it looked so real. Joey just hopes he can do it well on the tour. Yeah, I can totally see how bad form would turn this from a laugh riot to a total dud. I know this is around the same era where a guy smashed watermelons with a sledge hammer, but this isn’t comedy, is it? What does he do for an encore? Blow his nose?

DJ remarks that the garage is really cold – so Joey opens the hood of his VW revealing that it’s his closet. He gives her a jacket and comments on how the alcove is so small so he has to keep his clothes in his car. Worse yet, he has no privacy. He bonds with DJ over the fact that they have so little personal space. Cut to later and DJ is telling Danny and Jesse how sad it was that Joey had to rehearse his act down in the cold garage alone. She thinks there must surely be a way to help him. Danny says what Joey really needs is his own room. DJ brainstorms a way that Joey can have his own room – suggesting Stephanie sleep in a tent in the yard, or that they put bunk beds in Jesse’s room so Joey can move in there.

This is all nice and normal but for some reason it’s decided that it must all be done in secret. Stephanie was given a job to keep an eye out for Joey but she fails and Joey walks into the room. Joey feels like he’s been excluded and talked about, but the family assures him that he wasn’t. They say they were all practicing singing Michelle a song, and then proceed to sing four different songs at the same time. Cut to the next day Jesse has prepared breakfast for everyone and even given Danny the sports page of the newspaper. Danny is late for work, he wishes Joey well and the rest of the family continues to eat breakfast. Everyone else leaves after eating breakfast for about 20 seconds (which includes a second helping). The family does a great job of needlessly making Joey feel ostracized.

Joey starts feeling sorry for himself – believing no one in the family even cares if he’s there or not. He says goodbye to Michelle and goes off on his trip. Cut to later and Jesse has taken care of all the laundry and is playing with Michelle. There’s a knock at the door. It’s some mom who says it’s Joey’s turn to watch the kids. Apparently all the moms in the area (and Joey) take turns watching each others kids. Since Joey is gone it is up to Jesse to watch them. The little brats decide to have a laundry fight and toss all the clean laundry around the living room.

Cut to later in the night and Jesse is making dinner. Danny comes home late and John Stamos overacts the overwritten role of the upset, under-appreciated woman who took care of all the housework. What comes next is a bit that goes on for way too long. Jesse storms around the kitchen talking about how he took the kids to the dentist and missed Oprah and a lot of other unfunny stereotypes about stay-at-home wives. Danny says he has solved Joey’s room problem – he’s going to have some contractors build a new room. Just how much are they paying this fool to create basketball blooper videos? $400K a year?

Joey comes back from his tour and realizes the alcove he sleeps in has been cleared out. He walks into the kitchen to find the rest of the family playing Monopoly. He wants to know if anyone knows where all his stuff is and Danny says they moved it all down to the garage. Joey thinks they put it there because they don’t like him and gets all mopey. He goes downstairs to check out his stuff to find that they’ve completely renovated the garage into a really cool room. Even Manny the Mannequin is there. Joey remarks that no one has ever done anything this nice for him and he’s glad they don’t all hate him after all. Aww.

It’s awfully strange that Joey is supposed to be a functioning comedian and the whole episode is structured around him practicing his routine, yet we don’t hear a complete single joke. It’s as though the subtext is that he’s a hack, even though everything else suggests he’s actually supposed to be talented. It’s really odd since Dave Coulier was – and still is – a stand-up comedian. Even he couldn’t come up with a joke to demonstrate why anyone would pick this guy?

Episode 09: Season One – The Miracle of Thanksgiving

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The episode starts off with Danny sticking a puppet turkey through Michelle’s door and saying gobble, gobble, gobble. No the turkey puppet isn’t Joey, although you’d be forgiven for thinking it might be.

Good news for Michelle, she has an opportunity that only comes along once in her “career as a baby”. This joke makes Michelle laugh – it’s good to finally learn how old you have to be to find the “humor” in this show funny. Also, I know it’s kind of mean to make fun of a freakin’ baby, but since that baby is a grown up billionaire, fuck it – damn that’s an ugly kid. So what is this opportunity, anyway? Saying the word ‘turkey’.

Danny then has the perfectly normal idea to plop Michelle’s ass on top of Jesse’s head until he wakes up. It works, because no one wants a soiled diaper sloshing away on their neck. They go down stairs to wake up Joey, who springs out of bed full of the kind of ain’t life grand energy that usually precedes a song in musicals. Danny has some bad news – it’s snowing in Tacoma which means his mom can’t come and cook the turkey for them. Joey is unfazed by this news, because he believes they can fix everything thanks to the Miracle *mouth trumpet sound* of Thanksgiving.

Jesse wisely points out that Joey is an idiot and that there’s no Miracle of Thanksgiving. There’s a miracle of Christmas, Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, Miracle Whip – but no Miracle of Thanksgiving. Joey points out that if the pilgrims had landed in Florida they’d all be eating flamingo. Very good, Joey. All Danny knows is everything has to be perfect because it’s the kids first thanksgiving without their mother. Again, Joey is nonplussed – because everything will be fine thanks to the Miracle *mouth trumpet* of Thanksgiving.

Cut to the kitchen and the guys are trying to work out how to make Thanksgiving dinner. Given that they’re reading very basic directions like “melt butter” and it’s kind of confusing, it’s a pretty good indication that they’re completely over their heads. I anticipate a transition effect that shows the kitchen in complete disarray in 3… 2… 1. The girls come into the kitchen and announce Happy Thanksgiving. The producers, obviously aware that the baby gets easy laughs, have her ride her toy motorcycle in and pops a wheelie. Cute. A trained monkey could do that.

Danny breaks the news that grandma won’t be coming and that they’re all going to have a great Thanksgiving at a restaurant instead. Stephanie is fine with it but to add a little emotional drama DJ gets all pouty and says the idea stinks. Since they’ve been milking the dead wife angle for a few episodes, the writers decide to take a drive down dead mom avenue. DJ points out that mom always made Thanksgiving dinner and they should have it at the house.

DJ points out that she knows how to make the pumpkin pie and that she can make the turkey too. Well, uh… okay – I guess that solves it? And hey, suddenly Jesse realizes he can do a bunch of stuff with yams and Joey is known in some parts of the world as Mr. Vegetable. And with one more – but surely not the last – Miracle *mouth trumpet* of Thanksgiving we transition to the family dancing and singing around the kitchen to Get Ready Here I Come. After they’re all done doing the Watusi with bowls of green beans Joey holds up the turkey and says the Miracle *mouth trumpet* of Thanksgiving. Alright already, dude – we get it… you can make some noises.

Everyone makes sure to give DJ extra credit since she was the one who put together the whole thing. It’s nice of them, but it will surely backfire if something happens to have gone wrong. And… cue something wrong – the turkey is frozen. I guess that’s bound to happen when you let a 10-year-old do your cooking… oh wait, Joey had nothing to do with the turkey. Danny is sure to lather on some extra compliments while Joey and Jesse try to work out what’s wrong with the turkey. DJ is so glad everything turned out great, just the way her mom did it last year. Jesus. Talk about laying it on thick. Alright Full House writers – we get it, let’s cut to the scene where her whole world falls apart.

DJ senses there’s a problem in the kitchen – a problem with her turkey. The guys all assure her that there’s nothing wrong, and a little part of me hopes they launch into another impromptu song and dance number to prove it. Not because it would be funny, but if you’re creating a train wreck – the more trains the better. Danny puts the turkey back in the oven and there’s a ring at the doorbell. In less than a dozen episodes in, I know by now it could literally be anyone at the door. Will it be an old girlfriend? Grandma? The pizza guy from episode 2?

It happens to be two women who don’t yet realize they’re in the wrong house until they’re literally inside the house. They ask to use the phone because cell phones don’t exist it. The girls just happen to be carrying a warm turkey – just what the men need. They send the girls upstairs and Danny says this is the miracle of thanksgiving. He doesn’t make a trumpet sound with his mouth either. The turkey the women are holding was meant for them. Danny tells Jesse to convince the girls to stay. Danny dims the lights, while Joey suggests he go fetch some traditional Pumpkin Margaritas.

Jesse tries to work his magic but the women have husbands. So Danny offers a bunch of cash for the turkey. Meanwhile in the kitchen Joey gets his tongue stuck in a bottle. Then he gets the bottle stuck in a chair while trying to pull it out. At the same time the turkey starts burning. What next? He gets his foot stuck in a bear-trap? Joey runs into the living room like a maniac and scares the women away. Everyone rushes into the kitchen and finds the turkey burned to a crisp. Danny tells DJ its all his fault because he burned the turkey to a crisp because it was frozen. DJ feels awful. Stephanie tries to make everyone feel better by reminding them that they still have the pie – which she accidentally drops on the floor.

Stephanie runs off upset because she ruined the pie and DJ runs off upset because she ruined the turkey. Danny runs off to talk to DJ and Jesse pulls the bottle out of goes of Joeys mouth before running to talk to Stephanie. Joey remarks its the miracle *blah blah blah blah* of thanksgiving.

Up in DJ’s room, she tells Danny that he doesn’t have to tell her that she ruined Thanksgiving. Danny assures her that she didn’t screw up. And that he’s thankful that he has her, and that she pulled the whole family together. We get a soft-close emotional talk between DJ and Danny, which involves the sickly-sweet Mom Tanner nugget “Smiles are free, so give them away!” Meanwhile Jesse and Stephanie are in a closet together. Jesse tells her its ok. He gives her a piggy back to a photo album across the room and shows her goofy pictures of him as a kid. Stephanie laughs at his bad hair, which was cut by his sister – AKA Stephanie’s mom. They flip through more pictures, more of her mom.

DJ and Danny come in and grab the others. Jesse stays looking at the album, Danny comes back in and says “are you coming” before realizing seeing the photo album and remarking that the kids look like Pam (the dead wife). This irks Jesse, who is hurting as it’s also his first thanksgiving without his sister. Danny tries to talk to him. He points out that Jesse spent far more Thanksgivings with Jesse than anyone else in the family. Jesse breaks down and asks “when is it gonna stop hurting” – he pours his heart out, talking about how it feels when he sees pictures. Danny reminds him that its hard, but he doesn’t have to do it alone. Danny points out that talking about the memories is a good way to keep a person alive. They share a laugh over a picture of Pam and then reunite downstairs for a burned turkey.

Danny says grace and they curve the black turkey.

Episode 08: Season One – Jesse’s Girl

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It’s nighttime and the sights and sounds of lightning and thunder fill the Tanner house. Jesse creeps downstairs with a baseball bat. Joey, who I’ll remind you sleeps under the stairs, wakes up at the exact moment Jesse is near him and almost gets clocked in the head with a bat. The two startle each other – obviously. Their girlish screams alerts Danny, who manages to get out of bed, put on a robe, and make it down the stairs in literally about 1.3 seconds.

Grabbing a nearby giant Mr. Potato Head – which would be unlikely for any other character on TV – Joey remarks that Jesse was about to “Mash his potato”. Jesse states that he heard a noise and thought it was a prowler. Understandable… maybe Joey should tell us what made him suddenly wake up the second Jesse was in front of him. Bad writing? Got it.

The girls come downstairs as Jesse and Danny approach the door. They sneak up from behind and say hello which is enough to make the men jump out of their skin. Jesse and Joey kind of get into it and there is hint of some sort of unresolved tension between the two. I’m thinking we’re about to get some sort of flashback episode. Danny suggests they hug, because he’s an idiot, but Jesse isnt having any of that. And yep – thoughts confirmed, we’re about to get some back story.

Danny lets the girls stay up to hear the story – ‘cuz, why not, and Jesse launches into the story. The extermination business (which I guess they’re still pretending is his day job) was slow so Jesse decided to start teaching guitar: cue sitcom disolve effect. We fade back in on Jesse hard at work on another song – which goes like this:

She’s a lady. (no) She’s a woman. (no) She’s a muchacha… Maybe she’s a man.

Cringe! DJ lets Jesse know that his new student is here. Jesse is of course immediately taken by her. Some other lines are spoken and somehow despite not even being remotely humorous, the audience laughs at them. Why am I still surprised by this? Because I live on planet earth. Because I’m not crazy. I’m pretty sure these people are just happy to be out of the house. How bad was it living as an adult in the 80s?

Stephanie comes in and tells Jesse her Mr. Teddy is missing its head. Full House could have taken a drastically different turn at this point, but alas, this dialog ends with Jesse promising he’ll fix it later. Jesse says he’s going to teach this new broad two cords, and half way through is hitting on her quite obviously. Can’t a woman just get a simple guitar lesson you disgusting sleaze bag. After his simple lesson, Jesse launches into some of the songs she can now play – which is really just an excuse for him to dreamily sing I Can’t Help Falling in Love – as he moves closer and closer toward her face. Tap the fucking brakes, creep.

Cut to later, Jesse and her have gone out after the lesson for picnic on the bay and a candle light dinner in the wine country. Goddamn, is this a first-anniversary or a first date? Hell, I’m not even sure it was an actual date. Jesse says he had a great time and kisses her on the lips. The kids ewww.

Cut to the kitchen Joey and Danny are inspecting dirty dishes as Jesse walks in. The guys recognize he’s in one of his stargazed moods regarding women. Joey and Danny rib Jesse on his way with women. Danny launches into a story about Pam, his dead wife – always a feel good topic – incidently, Bob Saget almost screws up his line. The guys talk about how true love isn’t real and Jesse says he knows it is because he can’t stop smiling. Well, Jesse – maybe you’re just a weirdo. He says he’s smiling away like he’s Nancy Regan. The thing that sucks about Full House is that I’m not sure if that’s a Reagan reference I’m just not getting or, probably more likely, it’s just a random MadLib-esque joke that makes no fucking sense. Did Nancy Regan smile a lot? Whatever, time to fade out of the flashback.

Now it’s time for Joey to tell everyone what he did that day. It was rainy and he was getting ready to watch The Wizard of Oz with Danny and the girls… DISOLVE. Danny is excited, he describes the movie in the most awful way concenrating only on the dark twisted parts. Corrina comes to practice guitar – Jesse isn’t home yet so they ask if she wants to watch The Wizard of Oz with them. She says yes and it’s her favorite movie. The TV won’t work – cable is out. Stephanie is upset but Joey is here to save the day. He remarks that he does “that Wizard of Oz bit in his act”. Buckle your seatbelts, this is surely going to be fucking agonizing.

So naturally Joey actually has all of the stuff just sitting there because, well, the living room is also his bedroom. Joey tells everyone to gather around and starts making tornado noises and crying “Auntie Em, Autie Em” while skipping around. Just like in the movie. He pulls out some handle bars and does the Wicked Witch laugh and then spins a house on a stick. This is a bit he does in his act? Like regularly? He’s rehearsed this? Even for prop comedy – which is unquestionably the lowest form of entertainment – this is simply awful.

Now we launch into the lions, and tigers, and bears oh my part – which he includes the girls on (even though one of them hasn’t even seen the movie before), followed by a fairly decent, yet somehow still cringeworthy, Cowardly Lion medley. Next, the great and powerful oz which is… Abraham Lincoln’s head on a stick – not even surprised any more. And then wicked witch melts, and then there’s no place like home… and a round of applause. Congrats, Joey – you just condensed Oz into 78 seconds of mediocrity.

Joey asks what everyone thought. Stephanie isn’t thrilled and demands the TV is fixed. Corrina says she loved it. So did Danny (no surprise). Since the TV didn’t work it’s time for bed… wait, what? They were just about to sit down for an hour-and-a-half long movie but because the cable is out they have to go to bed? What kind of sadistic parenting is this? “Theme park is closed for winter, kids so let’s go home and euthanize the puppy”. “The supermarket was out of ice cream so we’re going to the doctor to get some injections. Lots of ‘em.” Anyway, Danny’s awful parenting leaves Joey alone with the girl and the girl is definitely attracted to Joey. She thinks he’s very mature and funny. He has a fucking dollhouse on a stick – in his bedroom – and that bedroom is a sleeping bag under a fucking staircase. He’s the exact opposite of mature. He’s the kind of man you run from. She wants to see Joey if he’s not seeing anyone.

This freaks out Joey who goes to go on to randomly check for things in the kitchen – probably a pot, a meat rack, and a towel incase they wanna have sex later on. She says she’s not that into Jesse. Joey doesn’t wanna risk breaking the guy code – which existed even in the era of mullet haircuts. But she pushes him further and they smooch a few times – increibly without Joey making trumpet noises. I kissed *mouth trumpet sound* a girl! Then Jesse walks in one them. Uh oh. Cue a face sadder than a presentless child on his birthday. We fade back in from this flashback and Jesse is talking about how Joey kissed the woman of his dreams. Really, dude? I know you just took her on a 9 hour, I’m-ready-to-propose-to-this-girl date but woman of your dreams is a little strong.

Jesse is upset and confrontational. He wants answers. Joey gives an idiotic story about sucking cheese out of her mouth instead of kissing her. Jesse doesn’t wanna give the guitar lesson anymore. Joey confesses that Corrina wasn’t really choking on cheese and Jesse asks her to leave so he can talk to Joey.

Jesses chases after Joey and Joey runs and grabs Michelle to use as a shield. Joey confesses that he also felt an instant attraction to Corrina. They both instantly fell in love. Joey says that Corrina likes her more. Danny comes in and thinks they’re fighting over with one Michelle likes more and makes them give her a kiss.

Even though the story didn’t really have a resolution, nor was it much of a story to begin with, the girls have to go to bed again – this time in the present. DJ interjects, though – pointing out that they never found out how the story ends. I was expecting the story to just end right there since the writers typically aren’t sticklers for details – or any of the generally expected elements of storytelling. Off to bed they go anyway.

Danny wants a resolution. He wants them to hash it out. He asks them several basic questions about her, none of which they can answer. They don’t even know what color her eyes are. Danny doesn’t think they fell in love with Corina, they fell in love with being in love. Jesse says he’s upset because he just wants to meet “the one” – Danny says he doesn’t have to try so hard. He’ll know when its the right one. Joey admits that he was carried away too – he was shocked that Corina liked him as much as he liked her. Someone finding Joey tolerable is something I find surprising too.

The guys patch things up. There’s another sound at the door. Jesse says he knew he heard something. It’s Corina. Um… has she been sitting outside for 20 odd minutes? They invite her in. She explains that she came to apologize earlier, heard fighting and left, and then decided to come back again (world’s most convenient timing). She says they’re both great and she doesn’t wanna ruin their friendship. She’s ready to leave but Jesse insists that she gets to know Joey a little better. Joey kisses the girl and the two girls, who weren’t in bed afterall, say ewwwww.

Full House has some of the worst attempts at writing that I have ever seen. I’m not exaggerating, either. The way this episode is constructed is basically this: “Fuck you, idiot – stuff happened!”