Episode 22: Season 1 – DJ Tanner’s Day Off

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It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for: the final episode of Full House season one! The episode starts off with DJ dancing around her room and singing into her hair brush. It’s some pretty awkward stuff so naturally Kimmy Gibbler walks into her room right when she’s in the middle of it. Gibbler laughs and then DJ says it’s not like she [Gibbler] never does the same thing. Kimmy is there to gloat and shows DJ a note giving her permission to miss school to watch her rabbit give birth to bunnies. DJ incredulously asks if her parents actually wrote the note, to which Gibbler proudly admits to having paid her brother to forge it. The real reason she wants to miss school is so she can go to the mall and get Stacey Q’s autograph. Hey, that’s a great marketing approach – hold your album signing when a massive chunk of your fan base is unable to attend.

Stephanie comes in and wants to join the conversation but DJ puts her in her place explaining that her world is down with the gutter people… or something to that effect. So Stephanie brings over a chair and stands on it so she can be as tall as they are. Meanwhile Danny is calling the girls to come downstairs. As he waits for them to come down he provides a list of numbers Joey and Jesse might need while he’s away. All of the numbers he provides are stupid – including ‘grandma’ and ‘the police’ – and likely numbers they already know, since they’ve been raising his children for 8 months now. Danny points out that it is his first night away from the children overnight. Huh? What’s the difference. We’ve already clearly seen that Jesse and Joey have put the girls to bed before Danny got home in other episodes. The only thing that might not happen tonight is one of them getting woken up by the father recording their feet while they sleep.

The girls come down and Danny gives them all hugs and kisses and gets so caught up in the moment that he hugs Kimmy Gibbler. Danny reminds the girls to be on their best behavior for Jesse and Joey. He also says it to stress it, because obviously DJ is going to skip school to go see Stacey Q. Before Danny leaves, DJ asks if she can go get an autograph from her favorite singer Stacey Q. She gives him a permission slip saying she can stay out of school. Danny says unfortunately not. DJ tries the “Kimmy gets to” approach. That doesn’t work either. DJ says if she doesn’t get to go she’s going to die. Danny assures her she’s not going to die from a lack of a autograph. He gives her a hug goodbye and leaves. Gibbler commiserates with DJ but DJ says it isn’t over yet. Upstairs, Jesse is practicing is music and he’s written another absolutely awful song. DJ is standing there and she says how much she loved the song and continues to overload him with compliments. Jesse sees through this, but says whatever she wants she’s got it.

DJ asks Jesse if she can interview him for a school project on who she admires most. Jesse is of course more than happy to oblige. DJ says she bets Uncle Jesse was wild as a kid. Jesse agrees, saying he used to color outside the lines on purpose. DJ leads him to talk about how much of a bad boy he was and how much he probably ditched school. Jesse said he did it once in a while, not that he is proud of it. He used the excuse that he was sick, had his mom call and say that he wouldn’t be there, then a short while later he would say he felt better. Thereby, the school would not be expecting him, but his mom would assume that, feeling better, he actually went to school. After getting that information DJ pretty much bounces on the interview much to Jesse’s surprise.

Cut to later on and DJ is holding Popsicles, sniffing an onion and has a hot water bottle on top of her head. She gets the thermometer to just the right temperature so that she won’t have to go to school and then slinks into bed pretending to be sick. Stephanie calls for Joey who comes in and takes her temperature and says she’s burning up. Joey is alarmed but DJ insists she has to go to school because she has a test on Canada. Joey goes and calls the school to let them know DJ won’t be in and we fade out as DJ congratulates herself on being rad. A short while later we join Joey and Michelle downstairs, Joey is having Michelle help dry dishes. DJ comes running downstairs and Joey asks her what she’s doing out of bed. DJ says her hands are warm and she feels better and can go to school. Joey says freeze and makes the sound of a police siren with his mouth and tells her he needs to see her license and feel her forehead. Joey thinks that DJ had a change of conscience and decided to stop faking being sick and go to school and take the test after all. He says he’s proud of her, and she goes off to school to take the test. He gives Michelle a bowl and she licks it.

At the mall DJ and Gibbler are screaming that Stacey Q is so rad. Stacey Q isn’t rad, though – she’s just scary looking. Kimmie and DJ tell Stacey how they would like their autographs made out. They’re so excited but as they’re exiting they see Joey about to walk in. They run and hide behind some albums. Joey has Michelle with him and Michelle sees DJ and Kimmie hiding and comes running over to see them. DJ does her best to shoo Michelle away but she won’t go and Joey has to go get her, but not until after trying to impress some girl. Joey finds Michelle, and the unexpected surprise of DJ and Kimmie and can’t believe it. He asks what she is doing there and she tells him getting busted. Joey says he was so impressed with her honesty that he had come down to get her an autograph. Joey says it isn’t cool and takes her autograph and drags her out like a baby. Later back at the house Joey is telling Michelle it is a shame kids have to grow up. Jesse comes in and asks what the emergency is. Joey tells him that DJ cut school to get an autograph. Jesse says “I cut work for that?” saying he was this close to finding out where a trail of ants came from.

Joey says she did more than cut school, she totally tricked him, and goes to tell Jesse her diabolical plan. It gets Jesse’s attention and he reveals that he accidentally gave her that plan. The two of them put their heads together to work out how to take care of the situation. They then practice angry dad faces. Up in DJ’s room she says she feels totally bad and she will never do anything like it again. Jesse says regardless of how bad she feels Joey and him need to deal with her misconduct. Joey says no TV for two weeks. Jesse says no TV and no music for two weeks. And Joey one-ups him with no friends over for a month. DJ says it’s fine, she deserves to be punished – that her dad trusted her and she let him down. This guilts Jesse into feeling like they are being too hard on her. Jesse says maybe they shouldn’t tell Danny when he gets back. Joey says they should be honest. Jesse says if they’re honest Danny might think they don’t know how to take care of the kids. Joey agrees. They tell her that they won’t tell Danny and she’s thankful.

Downstairs Jesse and Joey are reading a book to Michelle. In what has been honestly a really boring episode, Danny puts some wind in my sails when he busts open the door and says, “Cowabunga, dudes!” while dressed like a total loser. It’s so spectacularly bad that it is bound to be a series highlight for me – definitely one of the biggest fails of season one. He says he missed his dudettes, kisses Michelle, and says “Let me do det again”. He asked how everything went and everyone says it went fine. Stephanie arrives home and tells DJ that she looks so much better. Everyone gives each other a nervous glance. Danny asks what he means and she answers that she got her hair done. Stephanie stresses the point that she thought DJ was out sick. And DJ says she was – she was sick of her hairstyle. Jesse takes Stephanie aside and tells her they’re going to play a little game called “Let’s not talk about DJ”. Stephanie turns around and screams, “Anybody wanna play a game called let’s not talk about DJ”. Obviously now all Danny wants to do is talk about DJ.

Everyone looks at each other nervously and then Joey says she felt bad earlier in the morning but that they got her back on her feet in no time. And they didn’t see any reason to say anything. Since they’re close to righting this sinking boat, Stephanie comes back in and says, “Since you weren’t at school today the teacher told me to give you your homework!” By now the jig is up and they hand her homework across like a pass the parcel of guilt. Danny shows his dad face and asks DJ to tell him the truth. DJ explains how she tricked Joey and Jesse and got busted by Michelle. Stephanie gets upset that DJ turned her into a liar too, telling everyone that she was sick. She says she thought she knew her but she doesn’t. And even made her a get well card. Danny sends DJ upstairs and talks to Joey and Jesse, well, actually he yells at them. He says he doesn’t expect them to be honest but he does expect them to tell him everything going on in the lives of his children. He says he doesn’t want to have to lecture them, but he’s disappointed that they lied. Joey says they just didn’t want him to think they couldn’t handle things while he was gone.

Upstairs DJ asks Stephanie what she’s doing and she says she’s making a get sick card. Danny comes in and Stephanie says “uh oh lecture time” and attempts to make a fast exit. Danny tells her she should stay and listen because it’ll no doubt apply to her some day as well. She asks her why she did what she did, and she says because she wanted the autograph more than anything. He asks if she knows what the worst part about what she did was. Danny says the worst part was that she was selfish. That she did whatever she had to do to make sure DJ got what she wanted without caring about the feelings of others. DJ says she doesn’t want to be like that and Danny says he knows she doesn’t. DJ says she’s really sorry and Danny says he’s sure next time she won’t do the same thing. Stephanie wants to know if she’s Danny’s favorite now. He says that they will always be equal in his eyes.

Episode 21: Season 1- Mad Money

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We’re in the Tanner living room and Stephanie is practicing her Show & Tell presentation for DJ and Danny. If you guessed that her Show & Tell would be her baby sister Michelle, you’ve been paying attention to the dynamics of this show and its disgustingly self-absorbed family. Let me guess, everyone is going to think cute little Kuato is the most interesting Show & Tell of them all. Stephanie mentions that Michelle’s hobbies are drooling and babbling – but somehow forgets that her favorite hobby is being a hideous mutant freak. The family tells Stephanie her performance is great and a couple of seconds later Jesse tries to sneak through the door. He sees the family and tries to make a run for it, but Danny stops him and the family asks why he’s always sneaking in and out with a blue bag. Oh boy, another Full House mystery. I was hoping he had chopped up Joey’s body and was disposing of it piece by piece but unfortunately, Joey walks through the door.

Joey reminds us all why he’s such an insufferable character by personally telling everyone in the family how much he loves them. Joey is in a great mood because his mom found an old savings bond of his which was now worth $5000. Joey proudly shows the family his $5000 which he is carrying in what resembles a screwed up ball of cash. He’s gone out and purchased presents for everyone. Michelle gets a plastic lawnmower, DJ gets Springsteen tickets, and Stephanie gets a bike. I guess Stephanie never did sell the most jars of honey to win the bike in the other episode. Jesse and Danny talk about what they hope they’re getting out of Joey’s $5000. Jesse hopes it is a brand new motorcycle. Uh… wow, dream big next time Jesse. Danny says he knows what he’s getting – $800 that he loaned Joey to fix his car 11 years ago. Until now Joey hasn’t had the cash… or even any cash at all? Wow. Joey honestly made no attempt to even piece together the cash he owed Danny in over a decade? Also, just going to point out – for anyone new to this series or TV in general – Danny’s gift certainly is not going the $800.

Danny is so touched by the act of generosity, that hasn’t even happened yet, that he has decided that he will be giving Joey back the $800. Jesse thinks this is the stupidest thing he has ever heard. DJ is going crazy in the living room trying to work out what is inside the bag. She comes up with an idea to get inside the bag by putting a cookie inside the bag and letting Michelle get it out. Michelle gets the cookie out of the bag and the audience could not be more impressed. Hello?! My dog could do that trick! It doesn’t result in us seeing what’s inside the bag, though and DJ takes Michelle upstairs. It’s at this moment that Joey comes into the living room asking if the guys are ready for their presents. Danny whispers to Jesse that he’s been ready for 11 years. Jesse is up first, getting a lifetime pass to the Great American Amusement Park. I suppose that’s mean to be Great America. It’ a cool gift in theory but it seems like an odd choice for Jesse and he certainly seems to think so too. Danny opens his gift and to his surprise he also received a lifetime pass to Great American. He’s certainly more shocked than Jesse. Joey has purchased himself a 1964 genuine Gumby and Pokey pinball machine.

This sets Danny off – he tells Joey that this stupid purchase (and possibly the ones for everyone else) is the reason why he is always broke. He says every time he gets any money he blows it. Joey’s response is to tell Danny to lighten up and makes a fart sound – which, as far as Joey goes, is probably the most mature response we could have hoped for. Danny chases him around the living room asking if he’s ever thought of doing something responsible with his money. Joey does not compute – so Danny lists a bunch of things that he could do with his money, one of which is pay off old debts. This one gets Joey’s attention – but he says he doesn’t have any old debts because no one would be stupid enough to loan him money. They have a good old laugh before Danny tells Joey that he was stupid enough to loan him money. Joey does not remember. Danny tells him: Palm Springs – March 12, 1977, his car blew up and Danny loaned him the cash. Joey asks Danny why he didn’t say something earlier because he had completely forget. Joey gives him the entire ball of cash. Danny says he doesn’t want the cash, he just wanted Joey to want to give him the cash. He wants Joey to invest it, Joey says he is investing it – in getting Danny off his back.

Upstairs Jesse is in an Elvis costume – the audience goes so crazy I though Michelle must have been crapping her diaper or staring off into space or something. As usual in the House of Bad Timing, Stephanie and DJ knock at the door because they want to tell him something. Jesse runs and puts on a bathrobe to cover his Elvis costume and then stands in the most awkward position he possibly could. The girls are instantly weirded out – but Jesse isn’t off the hook yet because in strolls Danny. We’ve known these assholes for 20 or so episodes so we know Danny is just going to ask him what’s under the robe. Jesse says it is none of his business, but reveals one of his Elvis costume legs. He meekly tells the family don’t be cruel. DJ says the costume is really cool and that she should have looked in the bag sooner. Jesse confesses that he’s in a tribute to The King called Rock N Roll Heaven. He’s doing it for one more night (Great, we get to see the family cheer him on), but he didn’t tell them because he always thought of himself as having his own musical identity. Really? I always thought of him as a shameless Elvis copycat but whatever.

It’s not as though this show is hard to predict but I find it funny that one of the next lines in the show is Danny saying the family just wants to go and cheer him on. That’s exactly what I predicted, down to him using the word cheer. Again, it was a safe bet – but Jesus, is this show on-the-rails or what? Jesse doesn’t think it is a good idea. Joey strolls into the room and starts laughing his guts out and then leaves the room. Cut to Rock N Roll Heaven and there’s a Marilyn Monroe look-a-like on stage, she finishes and then Jesse gets up on stage and does his awful Elvis complete with some corny jokes. He then sings bits of I Get So Lonely and Because I love You Too Much, he thrusts and gyrates and then goes into the audience to give DJ and Stephanie scarves. Jesse finishes with some An American Trilogy, there’s smoke and more gyrations and weird moves, he finishes with a hallelujah as he stands in front of the Stars and Stripes. It’s corny and short – the latter of which I was thankful.

Back at the house, Stephanie and DJ decide to sing Heartbreak Hotel as they enter the house. It’s every single bit as awful as you might imagine. They get some pity applause and they promptly leave. Danny and Joey argue over taking the money and Jesse comes home with the Marilyn lookalike. Jesse has some great news, the job is his for as long as he wants it. He just doesn’t know if he should keep doing the job. The Marilyn lookalike actually thinks she really is Marilyn – she’s awful, by the way. Danny and Joey argue over the money some more, then they argue over how to make a sandwich. The differences between Joey’s “whatever” approach and Danny’s “OCD approach” is cemented. Joey uses a dirty knife, for example, while Danny paints on the mustard and alternates ham and cheese so that both is represented in equal amounts. Joey says Danny needs therapy, and that he is very predictable and paint by the numbers.

Joey pulls a piece of bread off his sandwich and puts it on the table to prove a point to see if Danny goes crazy. Danny doesn’t crack. Danny says everything is a joke to Joey, to which he agrees. Danny says Joey is almost 30 and still watches cartoons. It’s like living with Pee Wee Herman. This encourages Joey to make a Pee Wee Herman voice and play hot potato with the cash before running like a madman downstairs making more Pee Wee noises. Danny chases him and they decide to settle it like they used to as kids – arm wrestling. Whoever loses has to keep the money. Jesse comes to break up the argument by saying something his more important. Danny says he should keep the job so he gets money for his demo tape. Joey says he should do the job for fun. Jesse leaves and they compliment each other on giving great advice. The special moment is that Danny is a little square and Joey is a little goofy. Joey wants to clear up the debt and pleads he take the money, Danny agrees, and anyone who had to watch this lives unhappily ever after.

Episode 20: Season One – The Seven-Month Itch – Part 2

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Here we go – the epic conclusion to the first Full House cliffhanger. We’re treated to a previously on… recap which ends with, “Jesse ran away from home?” And then the first line of the new episode is that very same line. I guess that’s for people who need a recap of the recap. Danny doesn’t have the heart to break the news to the kids. He says its a father situation and he should handle it and for Joey to play dumb. Danny tells the girls Jesse went on a little vacation and they ask where, suddenly Danny needs Joey’s help again. You’re, like, ankle deep in a lie and you’re already gasping for air? Damn it man, just say anywhere and when they press further remind them that they’re kids and to know their place! Joey tells them that Jesse went for a vacation in the desert because he loves the sand and to sweat. A classic example of Joey’s ability to think on his feet.

Joey is trying to make breakfast like Uncle Jesse used to make but he’s doing an awful job at it. The phone rings, Joey goes to pick it up and it’s Jesse. Everyone goes running to the phone. DJ grabs the phone, then Danny grabs the phone. Jesse says he’s skiing with his buddies in Tahoe and doesn’t know when he’s coming back. He gives Danny a phone number in case there’s an emergency. Stephanie is jumping up and down because she just has to tell Uncle Jesse something. Stephanie asks if she can sleep in his room, which used to be her room anyway. He says yes.

In Tahoe Jesse is singing Love Machine with all of his friends and the beach boy guy is finally given some lines. He gives a toast to the return of Jesse, and Jesse gives a toast to his escape from Romper Room. He says it is just the beginning and when he gets back he’s getting his own place. They decide to hit the slopes so Jesse runs around the cabin like a lunatic grabbing all the stuff he needs, and even some stuff he obviously doesn’t, like a fanny pack. It exhausts him to the point of not even wanting to go out anymore. It’s really fucking bizarre. Alright, I admit it, I really have no idea what this scene was meant to be about. Is it meant to be funny? It makes no sense. It’s like a throwback to the scene where he runs around gathering food for the girls – except here he’s in some sort of self-imposed, manic state.

Meanwhile, back at the house, DJ is telling Rock N Roll Danny that she would prefer to have her guitar lessons from Jesse like normal. She asks if he is sure. He says its going to be a lot of fun and then proceeds to play Frog Went A-Courting. He then does an awful job of teaching DJ how to play which turns into them arguing.

Danny says they’re suppose to be having fun but DJ says she isn’t having fun and she misses Uncle Jesse. DJ asks if Uncle Jesse is thinking of moving out. After mom died it sucked, She says things got better when Jesse and Joey moved in. Danny says he agrees but Jesse is an adult and it is his choice. When and if the time is right he will come back. DJ doesn’t like it but has no choice but to deal with it. Danny goes back to teaching DJ songs – opting for an Elvis song like Uncle Jesse would play. He plays an awful rendition of Are You Lonely. Meanwhile Stephanie is moving back to her old room with the help of Michelle. Stephanie says its great that they have their own rooms back for a couple of days but DJ lets it slip that Jesse might not be back for a while. Stephanie breaks back into her Mara Wilson voice and the girls are all sad about the thought of a life with no Jessie. So they hatch a devious plan to call Jesse and pretend Michelle is sick. Once Jesse comes-a-runnin’ Stephanie will move in with the hugs, while DJ lets the air out of his tires.

Beach Boy boy picks up the phone and says Jesse is still out skiing. Stephanie gets on the phone and screams help, they try to get Michelle to cough into the phone but she just sticks her tongue out much to the audiences delight. So DJ has to cough. Beach boy promises to let Jesse know when he gets back from skiing. Stephanie feels bad about lying. We cut back to the cabin as Jesse stumbles in. I dunno, I guess they’re going for some sort of abstract Jesse can’t handle the rough and tumble lifestyle of someone his age angle? “You know kids, I was skiing, and hanging out with my friends, and banging my hot girlfriend all day and I realized… I’d rather break my back slaving over you guys”. Believable. Beach boy gives the message but Jesse isn’t concerned, as Danny and Joey are there to take care of the girls. Beach Boy suggests some boys are back in town and they all sing. Jesse is part way through when he stares staring into space and we dissolve into a scene of Jesse rocking Michelle to the tune of Baby Love. It turns into a montage of all of Michelle’s Ugly Babiest Moments. It’s really… really quite repulsive and it’s also really long. It’s like the Matrix Reloaded Rave scene of sitcom scene-filler.

The guilt trip works though and Jesse decides he has to split – Michelle needs him. He leaves everyone behind and runs home. Back at the house Danny and Jesse are playing basketball in the living room. Jesse comes running home all worried about Michelle. Danny and Joey ask him what the hell he’s talking about. He says someone called and said Michelle was sick. Danny says she’s fine. Jesse is relieved at first and then angry that he wasted all that time driving there for no reason. Danny says it must have been one of the girls because his leaving really shook them up. Jesse is unapologetic, he says he went looking for himself and found him. He says he lost something moving in. Joey says he’s gained something too, and to look at how fast he came running back for Michelle. Danny says he’s not just an uncle that stops by a few times a year any more, he’s really important to them. Joey lays another layer of guilt on saying he has been there every time the girls have needed him. Danny says can he honestly forget about the last 7 months and go back to how things used to be? Jesse realizes the girls really love him.

He says they better not tell his friends but he realizes that being part of the family fills an empty space in his heart that he didn’t realize was there. Danny says he can take time for himself whenever he needs it. Joey says they will make it work. He asks if Lassie is coming home. Jesse says yes. Danny says he needs a hug, Joey says he needs a hug too. Jesse tells them to hug each other. Jesse goes to his room and throws his coat on the bed and wakes Stephanie, she gets excited and wakes up DJ. They both surround him excited that the plan worked. They ask if he’s leaving again and he says he’s staying. He gives a talk about always being their uncle, and always being there when they need him. He even pinky swears on it. Then he goes to talk to Michelle and says he thought he would just move in for a few months and move on with his life. He realized that this is where he belongs. The moment he realized she was sick he just had to come back. He asks just what is it about her face. I’ve been wondering the same thing for 19 episodes. He says he loves the munchkin and the episode ends.

Episode 19: Season One – The Seven-Month Itch – Part 1

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Oh boy – it’s the very first two-part episode of Full House. What will the cliffhanger be? Danny walking in on Jesse trying to unwedge his head from Joey’s crotch? I can barely contain my excitement so let’s get started. We open in the living room as Jesse is telling the Woman of the Week that she’s going to have the most romantic weekend ever. The rest of the family is going to Disneyland so Jesse and whichever woman this is will have the house to themselves. Stephanie runs in all excited, bouncing up and down about going to Disneyland. Joey says he thinks Danny needs to switch the kid to decaf. Stephanie really wants to ride the Matterhorn, a reference that serves purely as a set up for Joey to start yodeling. Stephanie asks DJ how great Disneyland is, to which she says it has the greatest rides. Jesse shoos everyone out of the house and finally has the whole house to himself.

A short while later Jesse and the girl, Samantha, arrive back at the house after a game of tennis and Jesse learns that she had let him win. They’ve been going out for a month and this is the first alone time they’ve had. Jesse says he’s going to make her the most romantic candle lit dinner she’s ever had. I’m starting to sense some potential for a drinking game every time Jesse uses the word romantic. She says she’s going to take a shower and she will be thinking of him. Jesse says have mercy, she cracks a joke about his tennis skills and he chases her up the stairs.

hmHave Mercy Counter: 0011

In the kitchen Jesse is setting up his romantic dinner while singing Love Machine. He pours some champagne and brings it upstairs, attempting to lure her out of the bathroom with nothing on. A few moments later and the family comes walking back through the doors. Uh oh… that seems quick. It turns out the plane was grounded because of fog. Stephanie points out that birds can fly in the fog and that they should have taken a bird. Or maybe just driven a car like I have done numerous times from the same distance! Danny promises that they will go to Disneyland another time. Danny says they’ll make tonight family fun night and Joey asks what could be more fun than that? Stephanie says something that starts with a D and ends with land. Umm… don’t tell me… Donald Sutherland? She runs off and the audience feels sorry for her. Danny points out that disappointment is tough on a six year old, which makes Joey start to cry because he realizes they missed Captain EO.

Jesse has slipped into a suit, but hasn’t slipped out of singing Love Machine and still has no idea that the rest of the family is back in the house. Danny opens the bathroom door and let’s who he thinks is Jesse know that they’re back. Samantha is still taking a shower and thinks the voice she heard was Jesse so she calls out to him. Danny comes inside the bathroom to respond to the voice, notices women’s clothing hanging up and cracks a joke about Jesse wearing them. Samantha sticks her head out and Danny says have mercy.

Have Mercy Counter: 0012

We’re then subjected to some awkward rambling from Danny as he just kind of stands there telling her his name instead of leaving. And then he kind of stalls for time as he stays even longer. Most people would have been gone within a couple of seconds, but by this point he’s been in the bathroom with her for about 40 seconds, and Danny is still looking for reasons to come back. Just as he leaves, he re-opens the door to tell her where the shampoo and Woolite are. Jesse hears Danny calling out for him and leaves the kitchen to go investigate. It’s at that moment that Joey, Stephanie, and DJ enter the kitchen. They notice all of the food laid out, the candles, and the fact that there’s only two plates – not to mention they’re supposed to be on the way to Anaheim, and make the assumption it must be for them to eat. Joey tells Stephanie they will be taking a trip to Dinnerland and starts playing a brand new instrument: the Hand Ocarina. Jesse apparently couldn’t find Danny upstairs, probably because he’d slipped back into the bathroom to let Samantha know where the circuit breakers are, and comes back down to see everyone eating the food.

Danny points out that he just met his girlfriend in the shower and Joey says he hopes they didn’t ruin his weekend. Jesse and Stephanie both commiserate their hatred of fog – the thing that ruined their plans. Later in the living room the family gets ready for Family Fun Night but Jesse and Stephanie are still sulking. Danny has an idea to play Stephanie’s favorite song from school: If You’re Happy and You Know It. The whole family sings, along with Samantha, another poor soul who has unwittingly been pulled in by the Tanner Tractor beam. They move on to the second verse, which includes Joey singing in a Popeye voice. Samantha asks if they have this much fun every night. Wow, it’s worse than I though. The Tanners powerful mind control spells have already started to ruin her definition of fun. Stephanie still isn’t having fun so Danny decides to crank the fun up a few notches to Row Row Row Your Boat. Even DJ thinks this sounds like a lame idea. Stephanie says thanks for trying but the family fun night isn’t any fun and runs off to sulk again. DJ goes to talk to her and Joey and Danny leave Jesse and Samantha to be alone for a while.

Samantha says she loves his family and suggests going away to a Bed & Breakfast in Napa but Jesse has to babysit the munchkin.

Munchkin Counter: 007

They kiss and then Michelle stumbles in wearing clown pants, Jesse literally pays her to leave, everyone thinks it’s cute and we cut to Stephanie feeling sorry for herself in her room. DJ asks how she’s doing and tells her she knows what it’s like to not get what you want. She reminds her that she didn’t get the Oat Boat cereal commercial and says she didn’t mope when that happened. It’s a pretty bad example to use, because even as Stephanie points out, DJ didn’t handle it very well at all. DJ starts tickling Stephanie and she starts laughing. Danny comes in and says she has every reason to be sad but reminds her she’s not always going to get her way and to, not in so many words, get over it. They tickle Danny and he starts singing If You’re Happy and You Know it, which seems to be some sort of “safety phrase”.

It’s Jesse’s turn to be miserable, he walks into his room, and Joey follows him eating ice cream. He asks Joey if living in the house gets to him sometimes and Joey says it never does. Jesse asks how can he not get sick of changing diapers and running the girls all around town. Joey says he never had brothers and sisters growing up and he likes being part of a big family. Jesse pushes further and asks if he ever asks himself what he’s doing with his life. He says he used to be no strings, now he feels like he’s married – and has the responsibilities of raising three kids without the tax benefits. He goes on to pour his heart out further – lamenting sleeping alone each night. Joey makes a joke about everything. Jesse says he has no privacy and it’s starting to effect his writing ability. He feels like maybe living in the house is holding him back from achieving his goals. Joey said the bright side is if he hadn’t moved in they wouldn’t be as close.

Later that night Jesse has a nightmare where Samantha comes in to the room and then the girls come in asking to help with homework and Steph asks for a piggy back ride and then Michelle comes in and asks for her diaper to be changed. It’s Joeys voice. Danny and Joey come in and say it’s his turn to take care of the girls. Samantha says they could be so happy. He kicks the everyone out and then they appear in bubbles in the room asking for stuff. Michelle comes in and asks to be changed and fed. There’s two Michelle’s and then they utilize a fish eye lens to create a trippy effect which is quite awesome. Jesse realizes he needs to get out of the house. The next morning Danny and Joey come in to find his room empty and a note saying he had to leave and he’s not sure when and if he will be back. The girls come in and ask where uncle Jesse is and the episode ends with everyone looking upset.

Episode 18: Season One – One of the Guys

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Jesse and Joey are measuring Michelle for an outfit that grandma is making her. It’s an outfit that she will never wear or at least one that we will never see but whatever. Jesse says they should make it fun for Michelle so they start making mooing noises. DJ and Kimmy come downstairs and she remarks, “Your dad let’s these people take care of you?” Kimmy wants to know if DJ wants to go to the church bake sale. DJ says she can’t because she’s waiting for her cousin Steve. Kimmy says she made The Three Wise Men out of strudel. Mmm sacrilicious. DJ says she can’t bare to miss meeting up with her cousin Steve who’s like a big brother to her. Judging by the appearance of him that DJ gives, Kimmy says he sounds like a real Geek Burger with Cheese (an upgraded form of a regular Geek Burger). Stephanie announces a visitor at the door and it’s Steve – no, that’s not Steve – that’s fucking Kirk Cameron. Now the line about Steve being like a big brother is all the more cheesy. It’s actually Candace’s real life, control-freak, evolution-fearing brother. The audience goes wild and then we’re treated to some Cameron on Cameron action.

Once a total Geek Burger, it seems that Steve’s acne has cleared up, his braces have been removed, and now he wears contacts instead of glasses. He looks like a loser to me, but I know at the time he was quite the heartthrob. Kimmy is so taken by Steve that she accidentally slams the door in Danny’s face. Steve gets to sleep in the alcove. In true Full House fashion, Steve isn’t here just to visit family, he’s here because he’s being offered a baseball scholarship from Stanford. Despite that sounding pretty major, there’s a 100% chance we will never see or even so much as hear about this guy ever again. Kimmy has forgotten her name at this point and needs Stephanie to remind her. Jesse and Joey come running in with Michelle. In certainly the first, and possibly the only, even slightly humorous thing Michelle has done – she looks at Kirk Cameron like he just spoke the most ridiculous bullshit she’s ever heard. And this is years before he became a Televangelist.

DJ sets the tone for the episode by telling him that he has their whole weekend planned out. First up, ice skating – since he’s not a 6 year old girl, he wants to play baseball instead. Danny and the rest of the guys get all excited and then Danny breaks it to her that someone has to stay with the baby. DJ says she doesn’t mind. They throw the ball around the living room like they’re in The Room before Joey accidentally tosses it out the front door. In the kitchen, DJ is going through photos and the writer pushes the cousin infatuation aspect of the episode further. Kimmy has decided to stay with the Tanner’s until dreamy Steve has left. The guys come in and act like animals – devouring all the sandwiches that Stephanie made and then they run to the living room to watch the Lakers. Danny says he really thinks the Lakers can repeat as world champions. Steve points out if they do they’ll be the first since the Celtics in the 69-70 season. For anyone wondering, yes, they did repeat as world champions. There’s more exaggerated guy talk and then DJ tries to join in by screaming “Yes!” like they were all doing. Of course everyone just looks at her weird because she has two X chromosomes and sports is guy stuff.

Steve asks if anyone wants another pickle. DJ says they’re all out, but Kimmy volunteers to go get more. Just sitting around munching on pickles with The Tanners – yep, that’s my idea of hell on earth. Jesse and Joey make a bet on the game. Joey guesses correctly and Jesse has to pay up. Jesse asks him for another bet so he has a chance to make his money back. Joey agrees and despite guessing something extremely specific, is correct again. Stephanie reveals that Joey didn’t know any of this stuff that morning when they watched the game. Joey gives the money back. Michelle cries and Superman Steve volunteers to go take care of her. Danny sarcastically says he’s sure he can take care of a baby with no experience. That’s funny Danny, I made the same comment when you let two people with no experience take care of your baby in episode one. You remember, right? When they changed her in a pot and spat soda around the room? He sends DJ to go help him.

Joey says Steve is a real cool guy. Danny says thanks for being nice to him since he hasn’t had a lot of guy time since his dad moved out. Upstairs Steve comes in and starts guessing what’s wrong with the baby. DJ says she thinks she needs a changing. She teaches Steve how to change a diaper with a stuffed animal. She asks Steve if he wants to go ice skating – he says he can’t because Danny is taking him to a Warriors game. So she offers up going the next day, and then they can go to a movie and eat pizza. Then Steve says he’ll be busy the whole time he’s there – looking at colleges and stuff. And he’s also too old for most of that stuff. After he’s learned how to change a diaper Danny comes running up and takes him away. He asks DJ if she has plans tomorrow – she says not anymore. They’re going to play touch football in the park. Steve adds after that they can play some soccer, basketball, volleyball and tennis – and he’s not talking about NES games. He didn’t even mention wanting to go ice skating once? What gives!

DJ is upset – she asks Michelle what she thinks of Steve. She says he’s a jock now, not nice and into her like he used to be. DJ says she’s just not one of the guys. The next day Joey and Jesse have rearranged the living room so they can teach DJ how to play touch football. First they teach her how to say football in an annoying “manly” voice – something she barks a bunch more throughout the episode. I almost can’t even be bothered typing up what happens next. In a nutshell it involves Joey running to the kitchen and coming back with a sandwich, catching the pass from Jesse and then accidentally spiking the sandwich instead of the football. Later at the park DJ tries to impress everyone with her basketball trivia – including “If the Bulls ever built their team around Jordan, they’d be unstoppable.” Well, you were right on that DJ. They then go off and play football in a field that is clearly a sound-stage. Danny’s first pick is of course the world’s biggest victim: poor father-deprived Steve. Jesse picks DJ. Danny picks Kimmy, because she wants to be on Steve’s team. Jesse picks… Michelle?! Danny takes Stephanie – leaving Joey to play with Jesse.

They start playing and they throw the ball to DJ who scores a touchdown. The game is stupid and annoying to try to describe. It’s pretty much just goofing off. Steve says its time for the girls to stop playing. DJ takes offense and says just because they’re girls doesn’t mean they can’t play. DJ gets all aggressive, or I guess that’s what we’re meant to think. She tackles Steve, and Steve’s nose gets bent out of shape because they’re playing touch football. Danny comes to Steve’s defense saying she was way out of line. DJ gets all defensive and asks why Danny doesn’t just adopt him and runs off before she starts crying like a little girl. Danny runs after DJ and we join them on a bench. He asks what’s up, she says its obvious – taking him to ball games, having fun, high fives all over the place. Danny says she knows his dad moved out last year and he needs guy time. The music starts and then DJ says it sucks ‘cuz she’s a girl and they used to be good friends. Danny says Steve has grown a lot in the last couple years and become a man. DJ gives a sulky comment because she’s a whiny Tanner.

Later, back at the house DJ is in her room – Steve asks to come in. He asks why she clobbered her, and she says she was mad at him. She was looking forward to spending time with him and he didn’t even want to go ice skating. She missed the old Steve. He says he’s the same Steve. She says no he isn’t. The old Steve wouldn’t have taken that long to go to her room. Get over yourself, princess. He says he still loves her. She says he seems so much older now. He says when they’re both older they won’t notice the difference so much. DJ asks if they can start all over. Steve knocks at the door and they start fresh. He asks if she wants to go ice skating and she says nah that’s for little kids… but she will if he really wants to go. And they hug and thankfully that’s the end.

There’s a song in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure called Two Heads Are Better Than One. It’s a catchy song that never would have existed if the writers had seen both of these talentless Cameron assholes sharing the same screen for 24 miserable minutes.